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Masthead

Editors in Chief

Griffin Bonnin Jones, Andrea Zhou

Managing Editor

Katherine Reynolds

Deputy Managing Editor

Vivian Psylos

Layout Editor

Justin Bilenker

Photo Editor

Zayna Cheema

Copy Editors

Nik Ochoa, Chase Teichholz

Disclaimer

Did we hurt your feelings, or say something that “rings untrue” in your soft ears? Well you’re paying too much attention to what we said, and not enough attention to what we meant. God is God, the river is swift, and we don’t give a fuck.

Any complaints can be emailed to [email protected].

  • Politics

    Amy Coney Barrett Refuses to Attend Hearings Without Ceremonial Mace of President George Washington Present in the Room

    Rahul Gupta / October 18, 2020

    Republicans’ efforts to replace the late Ruth Bader Ginsburg on the Supreme Court with Judge Amy Coney Barrett encountered an unexpected snag recently, as Judge Barrett announced her refusal to attend the confirmation…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Top 5 Things You Can Say in SOSC to Convince Your Professor That You Did the Readings

    Chicago Shady Dealer Newsdesk / October 18, 2020

    “Actually in another class I am taking this quarter...” This is a standard but reliable go to for students who did not want to read another hundred pages of Adam Smith talking about…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Milkshake Wednesday to be Replaced with Fecal Friday

    Edward A. Meyer / October 13, 2020

     Following the University’s suspension of Milkshake Wednesday over social distancing concerns, the administration has begun using Hutchinson Commons as a center for new, rectal COVID-19 diagnostic tests.

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Introducing UChicago’s Thoughts and Prayers Network, By and For Enlightened Centrists

    Drew Landrowski / October 13, 2020

    UChicago Mutual Aid has recently come under fire for using alleged leftist imagery and leftist concepts like “mutual aid.” I was shocked and appalled when I heard about this. My sister’s neighbor’s dog’s…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Point: the English Department’s Requirement that Ph.D. Students be Interested in Taking Anti-Racist Coursework Excludes Conservatives Counterpoint: Conservatives can’t read

    Drew Landrowski / October 13, 2020

    Point: the English Department’s Requirement that Ph.D. Students be Interested in Taking Anti-Racist Coursework Excludes Conservatives. By: University of Chicago Thinker The English department has recently mandated that prospectives students for their Ph.D.…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Finance Module Teaches First Year Students How to Set Up Tax Havens

    Chicago Shady Dealer Newsdesk / October 8, 2020

           As part of their digital O-Week, the University of Chicago has introduced a virtual orientation module about finance taught by an Econ bro. The course’s instructor — rising third-year economics…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    UChicago Conversations: First Year Impressions vs. Fourth Year Realities

    That Artsy Kid Who's an Econ Major "Just in Case" / October 7, 2020

    The First Year Version: Scene: Anywhere in Hyde Park, yet somehow always walking towards the Reg Person #1:       Hi!    Person #2:      Hey!   #1:      …

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Kids That Would Have Gone Wild in College Still Trying to Go Wild Over Quarantine

    Cameron Chang / October 6, 2020

    The University of Chicago has opted to allow students the option of distance learning for the Autumn 2020 quarter, stranding many students with overprotective parents and giving students a desperate and immediate need…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    First-Year Accidentally Uses The Odyssey as a Travel Guide

    Rahul Gupta / October 5, 2020

    This year, the College prepared some special programming for first-years, such as several active learning experiences to convey the cultural impact of the various books they read in Hum classes. One first-year, however,…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Class of 2024 First-Ever Not to Know Which Direction Is North

    R.E. Stern / October 4, 2020

    HYDE PARK, BUT NOT REALLY – For the first time in its history, the majority of the incoming class at the University of Chicago could not determine which way was north on a…

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Read It and Weep

  • Point: Someday, you’ll be forgotten by history / Counterpoint: I sold some really bad copper
  • Andrew Cuomo announces 2028 presidential campaign
  • Heists are back baby! Let’s steal the haunted amulet in the basement of Mansueto
  • Confused Animal Rights Group seen protesting outside NFL HQ after Bad Bunny announcement
  • Religious Studies Class Taught by Pope Leo XIV Cancelled Due to Federal Cuts
  • Trump accidentally destroys East Wing of Woodlawn
  • All Microeconomics 101 Students Swapped into Beginner Akkadian in Add-Drop Fiasco
  • First Year Formally Reprimanded for Failing to Intellectualize Homesickness
  • University to introduce affirmative action for guys named Sean (Shaun and Shawn excluded)
  • In his second memoir, “Ignore My First One,” Vance reveals that the root of his anger toward Zelensky was his thick lashes.

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