Chicago Shady Dealer

Kids That Would Have Gone Wild in College Still Trying to Go Wild Over Quarantine

The University of Chicago has opted to allow students the option of distance learning for the Autumn 2020 quarter, stranding many students with overprotective parents and giving students a desperate and immediate need to rebel against all their jerkface parents’ stupid rules. Unfortunately, according to a recent poll, 100% of students who would have gone wild in college due to their restrictive parents are now stuck at home, also due to their restrictive parents. Necessity is the mother of invention, however, and some students have started getting creative.

Many have applied tips and tricks acquired while distance-learning to having fun. “I like to have a party space” says incoming distance-learning first-year Allison Bartlett. “If the pandemic has taught me anything, it’s that separating the different parts of my life is very important. Just like I shouldn’t be working in the same place I’m sleeping, I shouldn’t be working in the same place I’m aggressively seducing the high-quality cardboard cutout of Robert De Niro I keep hidden in my bedroom closet.” Bartlett went on to note that she’s “doing all the alcohol,” and “don’t drop til the party train stops, woot woot.” This reporter would also like to note that the cutout of Robert De Niro was 2020-70-year-old Robert De Niro, but Bartlett seemed to be having fun.

The trend of first-years going wild over quarantine hasn’t gone unnoticed by their parents, however.

“We’re worried,” says Katherine Perillo, on behalf of herself and her husband, whose son will be a student in the College this fall. “Jeremy told us he wanted to set more boundaries this year, so we set up his room as his ‘college space.’ Ok, that’s fine, we’ll give him his space. But occasionally he’ll tell us he’s studying, and we can clearly hear the loud bumping baselines of rapper Flo Rida’s hit single ‘My House.’ But then he’ll walk out of his room and act like everything’s normal.”

While  students with helicopter parents typically mellow out after their wild phase, it is unclear what will happen to these quarantine students. But for now, they’re having the time of their lives.