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Letter: There’s Always Spring Quarter
We know that two quarters in a row of distance learning isn't how you planned to start your time in college. You wanted to spend Orientation Week with several dozen of your newest friends and an ungodly amount of alcohol, not on a Zoom call from your childhood twin bed. You were supposed to be sitting at a cubicle in the Reg when you got your first failing grade on a paper. You wanted to make friends that you knew for certain were not golden retrievers who learned to type.
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Night Owls Presents: Will it be Cold This Winter?
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Mitch McConnell rages at Hype House, looks to contract COVID-19
As COVID-19 rages across the nation, many Americans worry for their own health and the health of loved ones. With the recent breakout of more than two dozen cases among members of the Trump administration, concerns are high about the functionality of our government. Of these masses is Senator Mitch McConnell, who, in a Fox News interview last week, raised his anger at not contracting the coronavirus. McConnell said, “It’s unfair. Absolutely unfair. They’re always leaving me out!” This past weekend, McConnell was spotted at the Los Angeles “Hype House” raging with TikTok stars like Bryce Hall and Chase Hudson. In a TMZ interview, Hall said, “My guy Mitch? He’s…
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Zoom Host Drunk with Power
In a shocking turn of events, Carl Shelton, Zoom host of his chemistry study group’s meeting this week, has become inexorably drunk with power.
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I Broke My Pencil and Now I’m Sad I Can’t Fix It.
That’s the title I am ashamed to declare I broke my pencil
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Booth Student Announces His Two-Week “Immersive Empathy Micro-Metcalf Retreat” on Linkedin
As I am sure that you’ve heard, Booth School of Business, where I am pursuing an MBA as an octuple legacy has gone remote for two weeks. Despite the difficult news and I am proud and grateful to announce that I have been chosen for a highly selective immersive empathy Micro-Metcalf Retreat in Vue 53!
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If You Sent Your Crush the Wrong Quad Pics…I Am Here to Help.
So you made a little mistake. Well… maybe a big little mistake. Well…maybe a really big little mistake. You sent your crush the wrong quad pics . Before you start going into anaphylactic shock, I just want to let you know that there’s no need to worry. I’ve made this mistake many times. Probably as many times as you can count on three hands and one finger. Some call me an expert in this field. This oddly specific inability for me to differentiate between a college quad, and the quads that are on the human musculoskeletal system is actually the reason why I decided to partake in this line…
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FiveThirtyEight Noticed Us
As has been our mission all along, the folks at FiveThirtyEight finally noticed us. Specifically, they cease-and-desist-noticed us. Take a look:
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The 2020 Election Explained in Three Charts
Following our colleagues in other largely data-science based news organizations, we’ve conducted a variety of mathematical examinations and statistical quandaries in analysis of the recent elections. Due to some technical difficulties, we were unable to utilize our typical analysis programs. However, our intern Brian assures us he can do the same things in Google Sheets. So we’ll see how this goes. In the midst of a pandemic, the political landscape has changed a lot since even the last year. And gearing up to the election, it’s certainly informative to look at the percentage of Republicans who’ve maintained their faith in Trump over the past year. Ok, uhh, Brian, that’s just…
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New Passive Investing RSO Proves Profitable, “Incredibly Boring”
HYDE PARK – UChicago has never had a shortage of investment clubs ready to launch students towards careers in finance, high-paying jobs on Wall Street, and inevitable burnout by age 30. So it should come as no surprise this quarter that two second-year students have taken it upon themselves to found yet another finance RSO. It’s called Phoenix Indexes, and its goal is to teach students the ‘tricks of the trade’ in the world of passive investing. The club shares an origin story with practically every financial RSO. “Phoenix Indexes was founded to solve one key problem: we were rejected from the Blue Chips,” said Ian Vester, PI’s president. “But…
The Only Intentional Humor Publication of the University of Chicago
