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Masthead

Editors in Chief

Lena Birkholz, Jacob Halabe, Maisie Thompson

Managing Editor

Andrea Zhou

Deputy Managing Editor

Griffin Bonnin Jones

Layout Editor

Abby Beckler

Deputy Layout Editor

Katherine Reynolds

Photo Editor

Zayna Cheema

Copy Editors

Justin Bilenker, Katherine Reynolds

Disclaimer

Did we hurt your feelings, or say something that “rings untrue” in your soft ears? Well you’re paying too much attention to what we said, and not enough attention to what we meant. God is God, the river is swift, and we don’t give a fuck.

Any complaints can be emailed to [email protected].

Campus Life, Favorites

University Introduces New Way to Get Downtown: “Walk, Motherfuckers”

This option has been poorly received by undergraduates, as several would-be ‘motherfuckers’ told the Dealer.

read more
December 6, 2022
Chicago Shady Dealer, Favorites

OI Renamed “Indiana H. Jones Institute of Academic Grave-Robbing”

In an effort to promote diversity, the Institute will showcase numerous artifacts looted and pillaged from cultures around the world.

read more
November 30, 2022
Campus Life, Favorites

Math Department Discovers New Highest Number

A team of mathematicians at the University of Chicago have discovered a new highest number, a new paper reveals. That number, 87382, is nearly 2 higher than the previous highest…

read more
November 16, 2020
Chicago Shady Dealer, Favorites

UChicago Student Running From College Council

While the beginning of Spring Quarter has marked numerous announcements of ambitious students running for College Council, one student has decided to rival this long-standing tradition by running from College Council. Simon Jorgensen, a second year…

read more
April 19, 2021
Campus Life, Favorites

Kid Makes Anaphylactic Shock All About Himself

Joseph Silverstein, a member of Johnson’s house, said, “Yeah, so while John went to the bathroom, I swapped his muffin with one that had peanuts, and, gosh, after hearing that…

read more
January 5, 2023
  • Politics

    Donald Trump Signs Executive Order Directing Economy to Be “Good” Instead of “Bad”

    Jake Felsen / March 22, 2025

    The other executive orders signed today include a variety of measures that Donald Trump has been hoping to enact for a long time, including Executive Order 14185: “Bring us more jobs”, and Executive…

    read more
  • Campus Life

    UChicago Accidentally Sugars Campus Sidewalks Instead of Salting Them

    Sheep A. Doodle / March 21, 2025

    When confronted with our discovery, Bob Frost, a spokesperson for the task force, apologized for the mix-up. “Don’t be salty about it,” he pleaded. “If I gave you two buckets of white granular…

    read more
  • Politics

    RFK Jr. Launches Promotional Tour for Polio: “It’s Really Not That Bad!”

    Lydia Osborn / March 20, 2025

    "Polio shouldn’t be demonized just for the paralysis and the killing. Who even remembers that? The last time someone died of polio was like ten months ago.”

    read more
  • Scientific Excellence

    Nation Distraught as Scientists Say Blue Apples Won’t Be Available Until 2029

    Elliot Florack / March 19, 2025

    During a press conference early Tuesday morning, Acting Commissioner of the Food and Drug Administration Sara Brenner admitted that the lifelong dream of all Americans, to have blue apples, will be delayed until…

    read more
  • Politics

    Trump Tells Obama He’s “Not Looking for Anything Serious” as Relationship Rumors Swirl

    Jacob Halabe and 1 more / March 18, 2025

    At 2:02 am on January 11th, Instagram records show that an account linked to Obama liked a post made by Trump in 2011, before quickly un-liking the post seconds later.

    read more
  • Scientific Excellence

    Climate Scientists Urge Public to Stop Eating Ice Caps

    Griffin Bonnin Jones / March 17, 2025

    While acknowledging that it was understandable that so many people were drawn to the crisp, pure, immaculate quality of the ice—“basically like the ice cubes in your freezer times a million”—the scientists warned…

    read more
  • Campus Life

    Freshman Discovers New Theorem Explaining Why You Always See Your Opps in A-Level

    Malhar Manek / March 16, 2025

    There are 4 key study spots on campus (A Level, Harper, Mansueto, and all other floors of the Reg) and you know more than 4 people, so at least 1 of them must…

    read more
  • Campus Life

    UChicago Launches Puppy Killing Prevention Institute, Funded by John D. PuppyKiller

    Samy Kouidri / March 15, 2025

    “While our legacy is defined by immolating, decapitating, drowning, and otherwise exterminating puppies with maximum prejudice, we recognize the need to change the narrative. We’re exploring the feasibility of potentially considering alternatives—someday.” 

    read more
  • Campus Life

    Breaking News: North Resident Transferred to I-House

    Andrea Zhou / March 14, 2025

    After a thorough psychological evaluation of the student, Housing & Residence Life approved the request.

    read more
  • Campus Life

    “Who is Dean Boyer?” asks confused First Year

    Justin Bilenker / March 13, 2025

    “I just saw a Sidechat post about a bicycle. Who is Dean Boyer? Is he like a student or something?”

    read more
 Older Posts
Newer Posts 

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  • Five Romantic Poets Who Definitely Fucked Your Wife
  • SSRIs Cure Great Depression
  • Say It With Me: Zero-Hours Contract is the Best Contract!
  • Automated Bobbin-Changing Equipment Threatens Job Security of 9-Year-Olds
  • Wilhelm Crashenblimpen Appointed Captain Of The Hindenburg
  • Alexander Hamilton Reviews Hamilton: “Wait, they did what?”
  • After Success Of First Novel, George Orwell Announces Publication Of “1984 2: This Time It’s Personal”

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