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What To Do If You Call Your RH “Mom”
We’ve all been there: it’s O-Week and you’re having dinner at your house table. The food is feeling especially Bartlett-y today. You ask your RH to pass you the salt for some much…
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Incoming Horace Mann Student: “Aww Shucks, the Big City at Last!”
When Billy Bob Worthington got off the greyhound bus straight from his sleepy little town in Midtown Manhattan, he could hardly believe his eyes. “Awww shucks, the Big City at last!” He proclaimed…
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O-Aide Mad with Power
Disturbing reports out of Wendt house reveal that House O-Aide Kevin has succumbed to the allure of his office and gone mad with power. Kevin, who was chosen as an O-Aide for his…
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Obituaries (Special Pre-Screening)
In the spirit of the new school year, we at the Shady Dealer have decided to plan ahead for a change, “fall”-ing forward into the quarter’s warm embrace before “spring”-ing back into our…
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College Republicans Hold “We Swear We Aren’t Evil” Party for Incoming First-years
Responding to concerns raised by anyone with a conscience, UChicago College Republicans has announced an O-Week party called “We Swear We Aren’t Evil” in an effort to reach out to incoming first-years. In…
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Op-Ed: Scabs Bother Me
Scabs bother me. I’m fine with nerds having fun in an overindulgent nerdfest. What really bothers me is the amount of importance some students put on not recognizing graduate student labor. People pretend…
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UChicago to Establish New Pritzker School of Molecular Engineering to Develop Condom that Will Fit on Your Dick
By Sylvia Lampson The University of Chicago is delighted to announce that it is the first university in the nation to open a school dedicated to molecular engineering. This decision was prompted primarily…
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New Central Route to Only Turn Right
In an effort to streamline the Nightride shuttle system, the Central route has been revised to only make right-hand turns, effective immediately. In an email to the student body, Transportation and Parking Services…
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I’m Lactose Intolerant, Actually Intolerant, and Afraid for My Life
I hoped that political violence would remain a buzzword or an abstract concept, but when my chauffeur Jeeves was driving me to campus this morning, I heard a horrifying news story from the…
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How to Make Up an Internship to Appease Your Parents
It’s May, and those of you with bad luck (and/or a bad resume) may still not have heard back from anywhere about summer internships. You may be feeling stressed out — Career Advancement…
