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Masthead

Editors in Chief

Lena Birkholz, Jacob Halabe, Maisie Thompson

Managing Editor

Andrea Zhou

Deputy Managing Editor

Griffin Bonnin Jones

Layout Editor

Abby Beckler

Deputy Layout Editor

Katherine Reynolds

Photo Editor

Zayna Cheema

Copy Editors

Justin Bilenker, Katherine Reynolds

Disclaimer

Did we hurt your feelings, or say something that “rings untrue” in your soft ears? Well you’re paying too much attention to what we said, and not enough attention to what we meant. God is God, the river is swift, and we don’t give a fuck.

Any complaints can be emailed to [email protected].

Chicago Shady Dealer, Favorites

Visiting Parents Worried about the Cost of Three Weddings after Seeing Son Talk to Three Different Girls in His House

While parents Michael and Jessica Trout carefully budgeted for their son Timothy’s college expenses along with a single wedding, they were abruptly reminded that some costs simply cannot be anticipated…

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October 24, 2021
Campus Life, Favorites

University Introduces New Way to Get Downtown: “Walk, Motherfuckers”

This option has been poorly received by undergraduates, as several would-be ‘motherfuckers’ told the Dealer.

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December 6, 2022
Campus Life, Favorites

Math Department Discovers New Highest Number

A team of mathematicians at the University of Chicago have discovered a new highest number, a new paper reveals. That number, 87382, is nearly 2 higher than the previous highest…

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November 16, 2020
Campus Life, Favorites

Kid Makes Anaphylactic Shock All About Himself

Joseph Silverstein, a member of Johnson’s house, said, “Yeah, so while John went to the bathroom, I swapped his muffin with one that had peanuts, and, gosh, after hearing that…

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January 5, 2023
Chicago Shady Dealer, Favorites

OI Renamed “Indiana H. Jones Institute of Academic Grave-Robbing”

In an effort to promote diversity, the Institute will showcase numerous artifacts looted and pillaged from cultures around the world.

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November 30, 2022
  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    35 Ways to Spend Your Extra Daylight Savings Hour This Weekend:

    Harrison Weinstein / March 9, 2020

    Bungee jumping Having sex Having more sex Having even more sex because you really don’t take that long to have sex Calling your mother and apologizing for everything Finally visiting the Art Institute…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    The Worst Part of MODA Was Having to Put the Models Down after the Show 

    The Tube Sock Warehouse / March 3, 2020

    People say to us all the time, “MODA is so great,” “MODA is so original,” “You’re so brave for designing clothes,” “We could never wear clothes like you do” — we know. But…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    “It’s Not Easy Being a Horse,” Says Horse

    Joelle Stephenson / February 27, 2020

    A lot of people have this romantic image of a horse’s life. Well, I can tell you it’s not all rainbows and unicorns. Want to know why? Rainbows don’t exist and unicorns are…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Where Does One Go for a Good Time Wednesday Evening?

    Kenneth Moss and 1 more / February 27, 2020

    UChicago has made great steps toward shedding its “where fun goes to die” reputation. So why is it that I still can’t find anything exciting to do on Wednesday nights? I know what…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Area Man Sings Aria

    Kate Kaplin / February 27, 2020

    Another announcement from across the midway: an assembly of people near the area have reported the appearance of an anomalous activity. Although not acclaimed for his singing ability, our Area Man assumed that…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Op-ed: I’m Starting to Suspect These Kids Aren’t into Mardi Gras for Religious Reasons

    John Buterbaugh / February 27, 2020

    Way down south, past even 61st Street, lies a city (un)affectionately referred to as the Sodom and Gomorrah on the Mississippi– New Orleans. But the heavily Catholic city is only a city of…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    New Gentrification Destination for UChicago Students: Rural Iowa

    Tiny Caucuser / February 4, 2020

    As election season heats up, thousands of college students are flocking to Iowa to take their political condescension from Twitter replies to Iowa pig farmers – which is to say, to a whole…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Cool! I’ve Watched the Superbowl for Ten Minutes. I’m So American. Bar Stool Sports, Yeah. I’m in a Room with Men Drinking Coors Light and Yelling Loudly at People from California. This Feels Right. Something About This Feels Very Right. My Life Has Never Felt So Right Till Now. I Have Found My Place in a Room With All These Men, These American Men Who Don’t Like People From California, and Now My Life Feels Right, Finally.

    I Don’t Need My Ex-Wife Anymore / February 3, 2020

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Longstanding UChicago Tradition Datamatch Returns for Its Second Year

    Chicago Shady Dealer and 2 more / February 2, 2020

    “Matchmaker, matchmaker, make me a match, find me a find, catch me a catch!”  That’s right, folks, it’s that time again: your favorite event of Winter Quarter, nay, the year, is back! Datamatch,…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    University Disappointed to Discover Jewel Purchase Does Not Include Mango Pods

    Sam Nitkin / January 30, 2020

    January 29, 2020. In a clerical error, the University of Chicago has purchased the property of 61st and Cottage Grove, current home to Jewel-Osco. The deal, costing the University $20 Million, appears at…

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 Older Posts
Newer Posts 

Read It and Weep

  • UChicago Admin in Panic Mode After Mysterious Disappearance of the Vitality Crystals
  • White House Rushes to Explain Correlation Not Causation Following JD Vance Pope Visit
  • Interview: Debate Over Politics Blossoms Into Lifelong Friendship
  • Citizen App Provides Notice About Hyde Park Crimes: Dog Poop on Sidewalk, Premarital Handholding
  • Harper Releases New Specialty Drinks
  • New Printing Software Tells You Exactly How Many Trees You Killed, You Fascist
  • Update: President Trump Places 35% Tariff on Water; Aquaman Responds
  • Oops! Your Participation Grade Is Actually 99%, and You’ve Barely Gone to Class! 5 Tips to Gaslight Your Instructor
  • Utah Replaces All Water Supply With Electrolytes, ‘Cause That’s What Plants Crave
  • [Redacted] is the Best Fucking Frat at UChicago, in a Tolstoyan Sense

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