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Parents Befriend Student’s Least Favorite Professor During Model Class
“I had never thought of grass growing as being so fascinating!” Eliza gushed as she cleaned Graham’s chalkboard. “And he had never met anyone who found his subject so important and interesting. It…
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Trump to fire all Via drivers amid government shutdown
“I had to go from the Robinstein library to Batchinson Commons. I ordered a Via and it took 20 MINUTES to arrive! UNACCEPTABLE! Illegal immigrants are destroying our own American drivers. Under my…
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CTA Transit Bill Stalls Over Whether Chartreuse or Magenta Is Better Name for Line
Chartreuse’s earthy green tones remind CTA riders of our hardworking Illinois farmers. There is no one who respects Illinois agriculture more than me.
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Point: I Want a Situationship / Counterpoint: I Think I’m in Love with Her
Being in a situationship is so much easier when they’re not a good person. Sharon literally fosters rescued monitor lizards, and she lets me pet them. Apparently it’s “good for their socialization.” They’re…
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I only know Jeffrey, WHO THE FUCK IS MARK EPSTEIN?
Like, are we sure he is going to testify in front of the court? He may not even be real! Lowkey, I was thinking this could be a movie. “Epstein 2: Mark Strikes…
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6 moral systems that say it’s okay for me to work for Raytheon
When I tell people I’ve got a job at Raytheon lined up for after I graduate, they usually say things like, “That’s really cool,” or “You’re really cool for working at Raytheon,” or…
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Shady Dealer Discovers The Lair
The Lair. Deep below the steam tunnels in Rosenwald Hall, they find where Dean of Admissions Jim Nondorf stores his contraband and concocts his plots. Among his collection are thousands of random pieces of…
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Andrew Cuomo announces 2028 presidential campaign
“After giving it my all against my opponents, the voters’ message to me is clear,” said Cuomo. “The people of New York want me out of the city… SO I CAN REPRESENT THEM…
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Heists are back baby! Let’s steal the haunted amulet in the basement of Mansueto
The humming was tantalizing, the stone shone with evil intentions, and the chain smoked as I held the amulet up to the fluorescent lights. The robot arms in the basement of Mansueto now…
