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Editors in Chief

Lena Birkholz, Jacob Halabe, Maisie Thompson

Managing Editor

Andrea Zhou

Deputy Managing Editor

Griffin Bonnin Jones

Layout Editor

Abby Beckler

Deputy Layout Editor

Katherine Reynolds

Photo Editor

Zayna Cheema

Copy Editors

Justin Bilenker, Katherine Reynolds

Disclaimer

Did we hurt your feelings, or say something that “rings untrue” in your soft ears? Well you’re paying too much attention to what we said, and not enough attention to what we meant. God is God, the river is swift, and we don’t give a fuck.

Any complaints can be emailed to [email protected].

Campus Life, Favorites

University Introduces New Way to Get Downtown: “Walk, Motherfuckers”

This option has been poorly received by undergraduates, as several would-be ‘motherfuckers’ told the Dealer.

read more
December 6, 2022
Campus Life, Favorites

Kid Makes Anaphylactic Shock All About Himself

Joseph Silverstein, a member of Johnson’s house, said, “Yeah, so while John went to the bathroom, I swapped his muffin with one that had peanuts, and, gosh, after hearing that…

read more
January 5, 2023
Chicago Shady Dealer, Favorites

Visiting Parents Worried about the Cost of Three Weddings after Seeing Son Talk to Three Different Girls in His House

While parents Michael and Jessica Trout carefully budgeted for their son Timothy’s college expenses along with a single wedding, they were abruptly reminded that some costs simply cannot be anticipated…

read more
October 24, 2021
Chicago Shady Dealer, Favorites

OI Renamed “Indiana H. Jones Institute of Academic Grave-Robbing”

In an effort to promote diversity, the Institute will showcase numerous artifacts looted and pillaged from cultures around the world.

read more
November 30, 2022
Campus Life, Favorites

Math Department Discovers New Highest Number

A team of mathematicians at the University of Chicago have discovered a new highest number, a new paper reveals. That number, 87382, is nearly 2 higher than the previous highest…

read more
November 16, 2020
  • Lifestyle

    Point: An Apple a Day Keeps the Doctor Away/ Counterpoint: So Does a Knife

    Pascal Knowles and 1 more / December 7, 2022

    I had to go again because of an accidental stab wound, and they even said I could “leave the premises immediately” when I took my knife out.

    read more
  • Campus Life,  Favorites

    University Introduces New Way to Get Downtown: “Walk, Motherfuckers”

    Ricky Alzati and 2 more / December 6, 2022

    This option has been poorly received by undergraduates, as several would-be ‘motherfuckers’ told the Dealer.

    read more
  • Sports

    Buccaneers’ Tom Brady to Be Traded for a Man Who Will “Spend Some Goddamn Time With the Kids”

    William Foster / December 5, 2022

    Brady was optimistic about his future with whichever woman he will surely end up with. “I feel confident that I can find another woman who won’t be so damn picky.” 

    read more
  • Lifestyle

    Op-Ed: I Can Definitely Beat You in a Fight

    Laetrius Gooch and 1 more / December 2, 2022

    First, I will leg sweep you with my calves (which are the size of baby hogs). Then, once you’re on the ground, I will start punching and I won’t stop until my antipsychotics…

    read more
  • Campus Life

    Dealer Investigates: The Many Crimes of “Dean Boyer”

    Pascal Knowles / December 1, 2022

    Our anonymous agent in the FBI (hey Jack!) reports that “Lee Harvey Oswald” was really a pseudonym for “Dean Boyer” all along.

    read more
  • Chicago Shady Dealer,  Favorites

    OI Renamed “Indiana H. Jones Institute of Academic Grave-Robbing”

    Andre Dang and 1 more / November 30, 2022

    In an effort to promote diversity, the Institute will showcase numerous artifacts looted and pillaged from cultures around the world.

    read more
  • Arts & Culture

    History PhD Candidate Realizes Zachary Taylor “Not Interesting,” Starts Thesis from Scratch

    Griffin Bonnin Jones / November 29, 2022

    "If I’m dedicating a good chunk of my life to writing about someone else, they should be someone who didn’t lose the party’s nomination to John J. Crittenden."

    read more
  • Campus Life

    Thief Returns Android User’s Phone

    Alasdair Greenland / November 28, 2022

    Upon seeing that the student had an Android, however, the thief immediately returned all the student’s possessions.

    read more
  • Campus Life

    Moses! Danny DeVito! Your Dad! What Are the Chances That These Iconic Men Will Get Into Fiji This Saturday Night?

    Kim Impossible / November 26, 2022

    Sanderson is to frat bros what Moses was to the Israelites. However, he’s not entering without first engaging the bouncer in a discussion on why taxation is socialism.

    read more
  • Campus Life

    Seven UChicago Changes to Be Aware of Despite Their Lack of Importance

    Alasdair Greenland / November 25, 2022

    In a surprise move, the Registrar’s office has announced that they will be adding two new zeros to the ends of all course IDs, effective starting winter quarter.

    read more
 Older Posts
Newer Posts 

Read It and Weep

  • Say It With Me: Zero-Hours Contract is the Best Contract!
  • Automated Bobbin-Changing Equipment Threatens Job Security of 9-Year-Olds
  • Wilhelm Crashenblimpen Appointed Captain Of The Hindenburg
  • Alexander Hamilton Reviews Hamilton: “Wait, they did what?”
  • After Success Of First Novel, George Orwell Announces Publication Of “1984 2: This Time It’s Personal”
  • Stephen Cole Kleene Invents Formal Languages, Causing War
  • UChicago Admin in Panic Mode After Mysterious Disappearance of the Vitality Crystals
  • White House Rushes to Explain Correlation Not Causation Following JD Vance Pope Visit
  • Interview: Debate Over Politics Blossoms Into Lifelong Friendship
  • Citizen App Provides Notice About Hyde Park Crimes: Dog Poop on Sidewalk, Premarital Handholding

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