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Editors in Chief

Lena Birkholz, Jacob Halabe, Maisie Thompson

Managing Editor

Andrea Zhou

Deputy Managing Editor

Griffin Bonnin Jones

Layout Editor

Abby Beckler

Deputy Layout Editor

Katherine Reynolds

Photo Editor

Zayna Cheema

Copy Editors

Justin Bilenker, Katherine Reynolds

Disclaimer

Did we hurt your feelings, or say something that “rings untrue” in your soft ears? Well you’re paying too much attention to what we said, and not enough attention to what we meant. God is God, the river is swift, and we don’t give a fuck.

Any complaints can be emailed to [email protected].

Chicago Shady Dealer, Favorites

UChicago Student Running From College Council

While the beginning of Spring Quarter has marked numerous announcements of ambitious students running for College Council, one student has decided to rival this long-standing tradition by running from College Council. Simon Jorgensen, a second year…

read more
April 19, 2021
Campus Life, Favorites

University Introduces New Way to Get Downtown: “Walk, Motherfuckers”

This option has been poorly received by undergraduates, as several would-be ‘motherfuckers’ told the Dealer.

read more
December 6, 2022
Campus Life, Favorites

Math Department Discovers New Highest Number

A team of mathematicians at the University of Chicago have discovered a new highest number, a new paper reveals. That number, 87382, is nearly 2 higher than the previous highest…

read more
November 16, 2020
Chicago Shady Dealer, Favorites

OI Renamed “Indiana H. Jones Institute of Academic Grave-Robbing”

In an effort to promote diversity, the Institute will showcase numerous artifacts looted and pillaged from cultures around the world.

read more
November 30, 2022
Campus Life, Favorites

Kid Makes Anaphylactic Shock All About Himself

Joseph Silverstein, a member of Johnson’s house, said, “Yeah, so while John went to the bathroom, I swapped his muffin with one that had peanuts, and, gosh, after hearing that…

read more
January 5, 2023
  • Politics

    Panicked Republicans Nominate Gun-Toting Muppet for Speaker of the House

    Sophie Klopfenstein and 1 more / January 3, 2023

    According to Capitol Hill sources, McCarthy is currently meeting with the remaining twenty Republican holdouts. Large carts of pizza were wheeled into the meeting room, pushed by suspiciously scantily-clad male servers.

    read more
  • Politics

    Sosc Class Definitively Solves Israel-Palestine Conflict

    Jeff Broust / December 9, 2022

    At a press conference following this monumental discussion section, leaders of Israel and Palestine were observed slapping their foreheads and continuously muttering, “Why didn’t we think of that?”

    read more
  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Student Forgets to Return Textbook, Is Fined $7 Billion

    Alasdair Greenland / December 9, 2022

    "In an emotionally charged interview with the Dealer, they apologized to their descendants for consigning their family to abject poverty for generations."

    read more
  • Campus Life

    Student Walks to Class with Unshakeable Gaze and Steely Resolve

    Hermosillo Sardinia / December 8, 2022

    Onlookers observed as Rushmore tripped several other students, reportedly shouting, “I’m a very smart UChicago student. I need to get to class.”

    read more
  • Lifestyle

    Point: An Apple a Day Keeps the Doctor Away/ Counterpoint: So Does a Knife

    Pascal Knowles and 1 more / December 7, 2022

    I had to go again because of an accidental stab wound, and they even said I could “leave the premises immediately” when I took my knife out.

    read more
  • Campus Life,  Favorites

    University Introduces New Way to Get Downtown: “Walk, Motherfuckers”

    Ricky Alzati and 2 more / December 6, 2022

    This option has been poorly received by undergraduates, as several would-be ‘motherfuckers’ told the Dealer.

    read more
  • Sports

    Buccaneers’ Tom Brady to Be Traded for a Man Who Will “Spend Some Goddamn Time With the Kids”

    William Foster / December 5, 2022

    Brady was optimistic about his future with whichever woman he will surely end up with. “I feel confident that I can find another woman who won’t be so damn picky.” 

    read more
  • Lifestyle

    Op-Ed: I Can Definitely Beat You in a Fight

    Laetrius Gooch and 1 more / December 2, 2022

    First, I will leg sweep you with my calves (which are the size of baby hogs). Then, once you’re on the ground, I will start punching and I won’t stop until my antipsychotics…

    read more
  • Campus Life

    Dealer Investigates: The Many Crimes of “Dean Boyer”

    Pascal Knowles / December 1, 2022

    Our anonymous agent in the FBI (hey Jack!) reports that “Lee Harvey Oswald” was really a pseudonym for “Dean Boyer” all along.

    read more
  • Chicago Shady Dealer,  Favorites

    OI Renamed “Indiana H. Jones Institute of Academic Grave-Robbing”

    Andre Dang and 1 more / November 30, 2022

    In an effort to promote diversity, the Institute will showcase numerous artifacts looted and pillaged from cultures around the world.

    read more
 Older Posts
Newer Posts 

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  • Five Romantic Poets Who Definitely Fucked Your Wife
  • SSRIs Cure Great Depression
  • Say It With Me: Zero-Hours Contract is the Best Contract!
  • Automated Bobbin-Changing Equipment Threatens Job Security of 9-Year-Olds
  • Wilhelm Crashenblimpen Appointed Captain Of The Hindenburg
  • Alexander Hamilton Reviews Hamilton: “Wait, they did what?”
  • After Success Of First Novel, George Orwell Announces Publication Of “1984 2: This Time It’s Personal”
  • Stephen Cole Kleene Invents Formal Languages, Causing War

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