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Panicked Republicans Nominate Gun-Toting Muppet for Speaker of the House
According to Capitol Hill sources, McCarthy is currently meeting with the remaining twenty Republican holdouts. Large carts of pizza were wheeled into the meeting room, pushed by suspiciously scantily-clad male servers.
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Sosc Class Definitively Solves Israel-Palestine Conflict
At a press conference following this monumental discussion section, leaders of Israel and Palestine were observed slapping their foreheads and continuously muttering, “Why didn’t we think of that?”
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Student Forgets to Return Textbook, Is Fined $7 Billion
"In an emotionally charged interview with the Dealer, they apologized to their descendants for consigning their family to abject poverty for generations."
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Student Walks to Class with Unshakeable Gaze and Steely Resolve
Onlookers observed as Rushmore tripped several other students, reportedly shouting, “I’m a very smart UChicago student. I need to get to class.”
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Point: An Apple a Day Keeps the Doctor Away/ Counterpoint: So Does a Knife
I had to go again because of an accidental stab wound, and they even said I could “leave the premises immediately” when I took my knife out.
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University Introduces New Way to Get Downtown: “Walk, Motherfuckers”
This option has been poorly received by undergraduates, as several would-be ‘motherfuckers’ told the Dealer.
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Buccaneers’ Tom Brady to Be Traded for a Man Who Will “Spend Some Goddamn Time With the Kids”
Brady was optimistic about his future with whichever woman he will surely end up with. “I feel confident that I can find another woman who won’t be so damn picky.”
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Op-Ed: I Can Definitely Beat You in a Fight
First, I will leg sweep you with my calves (which are the size of baby hogs). Then, once you’re on the ground, I will start punching and I won’t stop until my antipsychotics…
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Dealer Investigates: The Many Crimes of “Dean Boyer”
Our anonymous agent in the FBI (hey Jack!) reports that “Lee Harvey Oswald” was really a pseudonym for “Dean Boyer” all along.
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OI Renamed “Indiana H. Jones Institute of Academic Grave-Robbing”
In an effort to promote diversity, the Institute will showcase numerous artifacts looted and pillaged from cultures around the world.
