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Masthead

Editors in Chief

Griffin Bonnin Jones, Andrea Zhou

Managing Editor

Katherine Reynolds

Deputy Managing Editor

Vivian Psylos

Layout Editor

Justin Bilenker

Photo Editor

Zayna Cheema

Copy Editors

Nik Ochoa, Chase Teichholz

Disclaimer

Did we hurt your feelings, or say something that “rings untrue” in your soft ears? Well you’re paying too much attention to what we said, and not enough attention to what we meant. God is God, the river is swift, and we don’t give a fuck.

Any complaints can be emailed to [email protected].

Chicago Shady Dealer, Favorites

UChicago Student Running From College Council

While the beginning of Spring Quarter has marked numerous announcements of ambitious students running for College Council, one student has decided to rival this long-standing tradition by running from College Council. Simon Jorgensen, a second year…

read more
April 19, 2021
Chicago Shady Dealer, Favorites

OI Renamed “Indiana H. Jones Institute of Academic Grave-Robbing”

In an effort to promote diversity, the Institute will showcase numerous artifacts looted and pillaged from cultures around the world.

read more
November 30, 2022
Campus Life, Favorites

University Introduces New Way to Get Downtown: “Walk, Motherfuckers”

This option has been poorly received by undergraduates, as several would-be ‘motherfuckers’ told the Dealer.

read more
December 6, 2022
Campus Life, Favorites

Kid Makes Anaphylactic Shock All About Himself

Joseph Silverstein, a member of Johnson’s house, said, “Yeah, so while John went to the bathroom, I swapped his muffin with one that had peanuts, and, gosh, after hearing that…

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January 5, 2023
Chicago Shady Dealer, Favorites

Visiting Parents Worried about the Cost of Three Weddings after Seeing Son Talk to Three Different Girls in His House

While parents Michael and Jessica Trout carefully budgeted for their son Timothy’s college expenses along with a single wedding, they were abruptly reminded that some costs simply cannot be anticipated…

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October 24, 2021
  • Historical Issue

    Op-Ed: What if We Hide in the Trees Instead of Marching in a Huge Formation?

    Chicago Shady Dealer / May 6, 2023

    We’re the ones defending our territory, so we know the place and everything. What if we hid everywhere and waited for them to come to us?

    read more
  • Historical Issue

    Grunk Invent Weapon, Nation Frighten

    Chicago Shady Dealer / May 5, 2023

    “I important think to enforce natural monopoly.” Grunk threaten reporter. “Give berries or Grunk hit weapon.”

    read more
  • Historical Issue

    Romanian Government Ranks Safest Campus Bathrooms

    Chicago Shady Dealer / May 5, 2023

    Normally known for announcing the official news of their country, this surprise list has been widely distributed throughout Hyde Park.

    read more
  • Historical Issue

    Man Founds City of Pompeii in Scenic Location

    Chicago Shady Dealer / May 4, 2023

    “We pray that Vulcan will nourish our crops with the ash and keep us safe from any pumice-related troubles.”

    read more
  • Historical Issue

    Op-Ed: This New Duke Will Fix Everything

    Edward A. Meyer / May 4, 2023

    Do you just refuse to believe that Duke Ernest August I, who interviewed and selected Duke Ernest August II, would choose someone who wanted to fix the underlying issues they’ve overlooked (and caused) for…

    read more
  • Historical Issue

    Nothing Happens in Tiananmen Square

    Chicago Shady Dealer / May 3, 2023

    This year was a big year for nothing happening. Notably, nothing happened in Germany either, where the Berlin Wall is still standing strong.

    read more
  • Historical Issue

    As Y1K Looms, Mathematicians Raise Concern About Abacus Malfunctions

    Chicago Shady Dealer / May 3, 2023

    As many as two goods or services are being exchanged at any given moment, taking up a majority of the abacus beads not being used to count the date. 

    read more
  • Historical Issue

    Sorry! We’ll Get ‘Em This Time

    Chicago Shady Dealer / May 2, 2023

    It’s been an arduous two hundred years but I’m pretty confident we’ll be able to reclaim it this time.

    read more
  • Historical Issue

    Third Crusade’s The Charm

    Chicago Shady Dealer / May 2, 2023

    It’s been an arduous hundred and fifty years but I’m pretty confident we’ll be able to reclaim it this time.

    read more
  • Historical Issue

    We’re Totally Gonna Win This Crusade

    Chicago Shady Dealer / May 2, 2023

    It’s been an arduous hundred years but I’m pretty confident we’ll be able to reclaim it this time.

    read more
 Older Posts
Newer Posts 

Read It and Weep

  • Harvard Student: If I Didn’t Want an A, I Would’ve Gone to UChicago!
  • Point: Cancel Classes for Snow / Counterpoint: You Knew Chicago Was Colder Than California
  • Econ Professor: University Could “Fix Deficit” by Repossessing Free Orientation T-Shirts
  • In sharp response to ICE aggression, Democrats write extremely angry letter
  • Student to Test Limits of Regenstein’s “Snacks but No Meals” Policy
  • Student killed by Roommate’s Anthropomorphic Lamp
  • The Three Sub-Schools of UChicago
  • Bowls of Adderall Labeled “Don’t Do It ;)” Found Across Campus
  • Trump creates “Random Gender Generator” to replace X markers on passports
  • Point: I would love you if you turned into a worm/Counterpoint: I would not love you if you turned into a worm

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