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Masthead

Editors in Chief

Lena Birkholz, Jacob Halabe, Maisie Thompson

Managing Editor

Andrea Zhou

Deputy Managing Editor

Griffin Bonnin Jones

Layout Editor

Abby Beckler

Deputy Layout Editor

Katherine Reynolds

Photo Editor

Zayna Cheema

Copy Editors

Justin Bilenker, Katherine Reynolds

Disclaimer

Did we hurt your feelings, or say something that “rings untrue” in your soft ears? Well you’re paying too much attention to what we said, and not enough attention to what we meant. God is God, the river is swift, and we don’t give a fuck.

Any complaints can be emailed to [email protected].

Campus Life, Favorites

Kid Makes Anaphylactic Shock All About Himself

Joseph Silverstein, a member of Johnson’s house, said, “Yeah, so while John went to the bathroom, I swapped his muffin with one that had peanuts, and, gosh, after hearing that…

read more
January 5, 2023
Chicago Shady Dealer, Favorites

OI Renamed “Indiana H. Jones Institute of Academic Grave-Robbing”

In an effort to promote diversity, the Institute will showcase numerous artifacts looted and pillaged from cultures around the world.

read more
November 30, 2022
Chicago Shady Dealer, Favorites

Visiting Parents Worried about the Cost of Three Weddings after Seeing Son Talk to Three Different Girls in His House

While parents Michael and Jessica Trout carefully budgeted for their son Timothy’s college expenses along with a single wedding, they were abruptly reminded that some costs simply cannot be anticipated…

read more
October 24, 2021
Campus Life, Favorites

University Introduces New Way to Get Downtown: “Walk, Motherfuckers”

This option has been poorly received by undergraduates, as several would-be ‘motherfuckers’ told the Dealer.

read more
December 6, 2022
Campus Life, Favorites

Math Department Discovers New Highest Number

A team of mathematicians at the University of Chicago have discovered a new highest number, a new paper reveals. That number, 87382, is nearly 2 higher than the previous highest…

read more
November 16, 2020
  • Campus Life

    International House Students Steal Thousands of Maroon Dollars from University Dining

    Evan Avery / February 23, 2023

    Our sources have already received rumors of an underground Maroon Dollar trading poker ring operating under the Regenstein Library…

    read more
  • Campus Life

    UChicago Course Catalog Includes New Devil’s Advocate Class

    Justin Bachner / February 22, 2023

    Typical texts include some combination of Shapiro, Davis, Reich, and Owens."

    read more
  • Arts & Culture

    Op-Ed: I Just Completed This Century’s Mona Lisa in the 1st Floor Harper Women’s Bathrooms

    Anonymous / February 21, 2023

    Years from now, art history students will take treks to the 1st Floor Harper Women’s Bathrooms to study my seminal painting.

    read more
  • Politics

    Kevin McCarthy Secures College Council Speakership After 14 Ballots

    Chicago Shady Dealer Newsdesk / February 20, 2023

    I really just wanted to put ‘Speaker of College Council’ on my LinkedIn.

    read more
  • Campus Life

    Why Unions Are Bad Actually (Not Sponsored by University of Chicago)

    Paul A. Realperson / February 17, 2023

    Unions are the only group which can negotiate for you: if you’re represented by a union, you’ll only have negotiating power as a collective rather than a super cool, maverick, lone wolf individual…

    read more
  • Campus Life

    Top Twenty Things on Other People’s Laptops You Can Pay Attention to Instead of Your Bio Topics Lecture

    Lena Birkholz / February 16, 2023

    Youtube fan edit for the 90s classic Y Tu Mama Tambien.

    read more
  • Sex and Love

    Top Ten Most Romantic Days in February

    Barnabas Spunk / February 16, 2023

    My uncle Fred’s birthday is February 6.

    read more
  • Campus Life

    Heartbreaking! DU Invested Entire Fund Into FTX

    Andre Dang and 1 more / February 14, 2023

    Reports show DU members begging for Maroon Dollars outside the Reg to repay their debt, although no member responded to our request for comment.

    read more
  • Literary Happenings

    How to Read Chicago Shady Dealer Headlines Like a Horoscope

    The Dealer's Psychic On Call / February 13, 2023

    They definitely thought about this one specific problem in their lives for at least two weeks before they brought it up at a pitch meeting and then the week that they wrote it.

    read more
  • Campus Life

    Dean Boyer Snubbed by Popular Clique of Ivy League Provosts

    Jacob Halabe / February 10, 2023

    “I try to sit with them at lunch but they’re always, like, so mean to me."

    read more
 Older Posts
Newer Posts 

Read It and Weep

  • Union Army Morale Skyrockets After President Lincoln’s Stunning Kazoo Solo
  • New Whig Political Party Objectively Has Stupidest Name
  • This Snake Oil Stuff Is So Good! Really Delicious You Should Try It I’m Climbing The Walls
  • Five Romantic Poets Who Definitely Fucked Your Wife
  • SSRIs Cure Great Depression
  • Say It With Me: Zero-Hours Contract is the Best Contract!
  • Automated Bobbin-Changing Equipment Threatens Job Security of 9-Year-Olds
  • Wilhelm Crashenblimpen Appointed Captain Of The Hindenburg
  • Alexander Hamilton Reviews Hamilton: “Wait, they did what?”
  • After Success Of First Novel, George Orwell Announces Publication Of “1984 2: This Time It’s Personal”

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