Sorry! We’ll Get ‘Em This Time

Muslim forces have occupied OUR Holy Lands for too long. It’s been an arduous two hundred years but I’m pretty confident we’ll be able to reclaim it this time. We, three monarchs of Europe, have assembled an army of the best-trained Christian soldiers in the history of the world, and they are beginning their steady march to Jerusalem as we speak.

“Now, three monarchs,” you might say, “that’s insane. Christian forces have never won a single crusade for the Holy Lands!” Well, this crusade is different. This time, we will have the full might of the one true God on our side. Sure, past crusaders thought they did too, but they were wrong about one obscure element of theology and that’s why they had spears shoved through their torsos.

If you follow me thousands of miles away from your homeland, I personally promise that together we’ll put the fear of God into the heart of countless infidels and definitely not run out of supplies and starve.