Campus Life

Report: Human Nature Primarily Driven by Love, Not Fear

COBB CAFE— Over the course of three months, Dr. Whippoor conducted a landmark study to test whether more students would order Diesel from Cobb Cafe out of fear or out of love. In the first month—to test the baseline—Dr. Whippoor recorded a total of five (paying) customers. She acknowledges that she may have fallen asleep several times out of pure boredom, but it is unlikely that she missed anything important. 

“They’re the best control group,” explained Dr. Sarah Whippoor. “They all enjoy the exact same style of coffee, so obviously everything else about them must be the same too: emotionless, insecure, and a little psychotic.” 

During the second month, Dr. Whippoor printed several bright pink posters about love in Cobb, ranging from “Better Than Datamatch: Meet Your Soulmate Here” to “Purchase a Heart! You Need One and We Have Plenty.” A line immediately formed running from the basement to the fourth floor, with students desperately trying to order “a Diesel with a lover to-go.” Dr. Whippoor did not see anyone exiting the Cafe with a new lover, but she did record 493 students who bought coffee. 

During the third month, the scientist hired several paid assassins to wander the quad and threaten students to buy Diesel at Cobb. The scientist recorded two student customers, 1000  injuries, and five fatalities, although the scientist “disregarded the second and third number since it wasn’t relevant for the study, and was not caused by [her] actions.” 

Thus, she concluded in her published study, human nature was much more inclined to love than fear. 

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Andrea Zhou — a self-proclaimed hot chocolate fanatic — is one of our beloved staff writers as well as a deputy copy editor. She has written and edited a number of articles for The Shady Dealer, and aspires to finish college with over a hundred articles under her name.