Campus Life

Hallowed Replaces Decadent Pool Tables With Wholesome, Edifying Billiards Tables

REYNOLDS CLUB– UChicago students were delighted on Wednesday as Hallowed Grounds replaced its decadent, licentious pool tables with wholesome, edifying billiards tables.

Students cheered as the pool tables, monuments to man’s bottomless depravity which had so long polluted the University’s moral atmosphere, were at last removed. As men with large, shapely arms tossed the tables into a raging bonfire outside Hutchinson Commons, onlookers broke into shouts including, “The wages of sin is death!” and “Hie thee to hell, Satan!” and “About time, I say!”

“It’s really great to see the student community taking a stand against this kind of hideous moral corruption,” said third-year Sylvia Wadsworth. “People try to downplay the dangers of pool, but it’s a real gateway. I know at least twenty people who started out playing pool and wound up selling ouija boards and heroin to troubled youths. Hopefully the new billiards tables will get them back on the path of God.”

“I really think you’re going to see a more virtuous, God-fearing student body from now on,” said fourth-year Ezekiel Splunk. “There is nothing that delights the Devil more than a group of young people gathered around a pool table, and nothing that fills him with more terror and fury than to see those same young people joined in righteous communion around a billiards table. Those six pockets in that old pool table were his hiding place, and I can tell you right now, there’s no hiding anymore.”

Riding a wave of elation following their triumph over the forces of debauchery, the students brainstormed other ways of cleansing Hallowed of the stench of iniquity, such as banning card games, discontinuing the sale of iced beverages, and purchasing a set of of boys’ marching band equipment from a fast-talking traveling salesman from Gary, Indiana.