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Pete Hegseth Accidentally Challenges Houthis to Game of iMessage Cup Pong
In what a spokesman for the Department of Defense is calling, “a completely understandable and tactically secure wrong-number mix-up,” Hegseth reportedly attempted to challenge Secretary of State Marco Rubio to a friendly game…
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Huzzah! Progressive Parent Pledges to Merely Threaten Queer Kid Instead of Denouncing Them This Year
Needless to say, Jade was still viscerally disgusted at their father’s comments. While The Shady Dealer initially attempted to reach Jade for comment, the paper was informed that quoting them could be construed…
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Donald Trump Comes Out as Serbian Nationalist, Returns Kosovo to Serbia within 15 Days
"It’s a beautiful city, the food is great, the women are great. My wife Melania once made me a pljeskavica, it was the greatest food I ever experienced. Since I was ten, my…
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Everyone’s Talking About the Price of Eggs, but What About the U.S. Trout Population?
But what happens when egg prices get too high? People resort to other items for food. Sometimes it’s steak, sometimes it’s lentils. But in the end, some people will choose trout. This will…
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Student Disgusted by “Horripilating” Decline of UChicago’s Intellectual Culture
"I applied ED to this derelict institution under the fatuous impression that it was still a citadel of higher thought. Yet with each passing day I am compoundingly impelled to think that we…
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UChicago Sends Melina Hale to Scope Out Northwestern for Potential Takeover
Hale’s actions have spurred rumors that UChicago is trying to take over a school with fewer Big Ten football wins than it (UChicago 7, Northwestern 0).
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Phoenix AI to Stop Saying Key Words Like Bankruptcy or Debt
“Letting Phoenix AI tell the few students who didn't know about the University’s debts would’ve killed the last bit of fun they had left. Come on, let ‘em live a little.”
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Five Caricature Artists to Befriend if You Want to Make it in This Town
“Wait, Mitt Romney is a caricature artist?” Yes, and he’s very good.
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Joe Rogan to Star as Catherine Earnshaw in New Wuthering Heights Adaptation
Fans of the book have praised the casting of Rogan, 57, especially following the leakage of set photos showing Rogan frolicking on the moors with Jacob Elordi’s Heathcliff.
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Elon Musk Announces New Ninja Branch of DOGE
Musk unveiled the ninjas during a ceremony on Thursday, during which he dramatically ripped back a curtain to showcase an empty stage, which he implied was actually filled completely with ninjas trained in…
