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Masthead

Editors in Chief

Griffin Bonnin Jones, Andrea Zhou

Managing Editor

Katherine Reynolds

Deputy Managing Editor

Vivian Psylos

Layout Editor

Justin Bilenker

Photo Editor

Zayna Cheema

Copy Editors

Nik Ochoa, Chase Teichholz

Disclaimer

Did we hurt your feelings, or say something that “rings untrue” in your soft ears? Well you’re paying too much attention to what we said, and not enough attention to what we meant. God is God, the river is swift, and we don’t give a fuck.

Any complaints can be emailed to [email protected].

Chicago Shady Dealer, Favorites

UChicago Student Running From College Council

While the beginning of Spring Quarter has marked numerous announcements of ambitious students running for College Council, one student has decided to rival this long-standing tradition by running from College Council. Simon Jorgensen, a second year…

read more
April 19, 2021
Chicago Shady Dealer, Favorites

OI Renamed “Indiana H. Jones Institute of Academic Grave-Robbing”

In an effort to promote diversity, the Institute will showcase numerous artifacts looted and pillaged from cultures around the world.

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November 30, 2022
Campus Life, Favorites

Math Department Discovers New Highest Number

A team of mathematicians at the University of Chicago have discovered a new highest number, a new paper reveals. That number, 87382, is nearly 2 higher than the previous highest…

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November 16, 2020
Chicago Shady Dealer, Favorites

Visiting Parents Worried about the Cost of Three Weddings after Seeing Son Talk to Three Different Girls in His House

While parents Michael and Jessica Trout carefully budgeted for their son Timothy’s college expenses along with a single wedding, they were abruptly reminded that some costs simply cannot be anticipated…

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October 24, 2021
Campus Life, Favorites

University Introduces New Way to Get Downtown: “Walk, Motherfuckers”

This option has been poorly received by undergraduates, as several would-be ‘motherfuckers’ told the Dealer.

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December 6, 2022
  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Why Hillary Is Just Like You #Swag

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Liam Coles May 13, 2016 Hillary Clinton recently has gotten a bad rap about being “cold” and “unhip” with young people, but I am here to remind you that she is just…

    read more
  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Murdered Statistician Found Normally Distributed

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Nico Aldape May 13, 2016 In a recent study published by multiple members of the University of Chicago Department of Statistics, recently murdered deceased statistics professor Angelino Drinkwater has been found uniformlynormally…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Malia Obama receives Honorary University of Chicago Degree to Counteract Harvard Admittance

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Adam Lowinger May 13, 2016 In response to the Nnews that President Barack Obama’s eEldest daughter, Malia, will be attending Harvard after taking a gap year, the University of Chicago has decided…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Horribly Misguided Sign Tells Drivers To “Stop”

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Ryan Fleishman May 13, 2016 Having driven along Wabash AvenueCrabapple Road multiple times in the last 2 weeks, residents of Chicago have unhappily realized that some absurd new sign in the road…

    read more
  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    University of Chicago Campus Temporarily Relocated to Rural Illinois after Muggings

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Willamina Groething May 13, 2016 The University of Chicago campus will be moved to the University of Chicago’s Center in Wynoose, IL for the 2016-2017 academic year after several armed robberies in…

    read more
  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    U of C Professor Publishes Breakthrough findings in Human Knot Theory:

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Alek Binion May 13, 2016 The University of Chicago mathematics department was abuzz this past Saturday after peer review determined the validity of faculty member Paul Phillips revolutionary findings in the already…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Memorial Day 2016: Honoring Our Fallen Drones

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By David North May 13, 2016 For 14 years, the drone program has given the Ppresident of the United States the ability to execute surgical, extrajudicial, and often political murder from the comfort…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Local Couple Announce Relationship has Been Cancelled

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Katie Zellner May 13, 2016 Jen Karamchandny and Joe Gaddis have announced that they are discontinuing their relationship after a successful three season run. Mutual friend and self-described producer of the relationship,…

    read more
  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    My Liberal Arts Education Has Been Incredibly Useful

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Katie Zellner May 13, 2016 Since the dawn of man, there has been debate about the value of a liberal arts education, and, as a UChicago aAlumnaus, I just want to say…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    White Male Econ Major from New York Goes Missing, No One Notices

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Liam Coles May 13, 2016 First year and prospective economics major Bret Nicholson from New York went missing last week. No one noticed. Of the hundreds of other straight, white males from…

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Newer Posts 

Read It and Weep

  • University to introduce affirmative action for guys named Sean (Shaun and Shawn excluded)
  • In his second memoir, “Ignore My First One,” Vance reveals that the root of his anger toward Zelensky was his thick lashes.
  • 12 Days of UChicago Finals
  • LA Dodgers Fan finds out the Dodgers are a Baseball team and not a Hat Company
  • 5 Movies to Reject the Christmas Spirit while still saying you’re watching a Christmas Movie
  • Catholic Family Realizes They’re Nation’s Last Practitioners of the Advent Wreath; Experts Confirm the Three Kings Are “Not Coming, Don’t Wait Up”
  • UChicago Tour Guide Fired after Confirming “Where Fun Goes to Die” Culture on Tour
  • Air Force Forms Task Force of Skydiving Spiders
  • 10 Things To Do on Campus This Fall That Feel Almost As Good As Being Loved
  • Trump claims to have discovered “Constitution 2” allowing him to do whatever he wants

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