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Now That It’s Spring, I Should Probably Shave My Three Meters of Armpit Hair
By Breck Radulovic May 13, 2016 Hello, spring, and goodbye Old Man Winter! It’s been a long one, and so I haven’t touched a razor since mid-October. But now that it’s over…
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Pro-Israel and Pro-Palestinian Students Agree on Two Campus Solution
By Chase Harrison May 13, 2016 Citing “irreconcilable differences,” Pro-Israel and Pro-Palestinian groups on campus have agreed to split the campus territory between each other. In a rare joint statement, leaders of the…
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Retired Kentucky Derby Runner-Ups: Where are they now?
By Adam Lowinger May 13, 2016 Bluegrass cat (2006) – Fallen out of use and relevance in recent years. An appointment scheduled for Glue factory. Hard Spun (2007) – Used his fame and…
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First Year Clearly Faking Hickey
By Daniel Ruttenberg May 13, 2016 It is pretty damn obvious to all bystanders that first year Jack Rowler showed up toat Professor Hills‘’ Reading Cultures class with a fake hickey. “I think…
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Area Man totally would have gotten that Goldman Sachs Internship had he applied
By Liam Coles May 13, 2016 Today at around 5PM CST Second Year Economics Major Kenneth Moore was seen overtly lying about his marketability and desirability in the A level of the Regenstein…
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North Residence Hall Renamed Following Donation From Dickwad Fuckwit
By Morgan Pantuck May 13, 2016 The University of Chicago released an official statement this morning confirming that famed alumnus and billionaire philanthropist Dickwad Fuckwit will be donating nearly $70 million to the…
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Late University Hieroglyph Researcher Leaves Extremely Confusing Will
By Ryan Fleishman May 14, 2016 After a 5-year-long struggle against prostate cancer, University of Chicago hieroglyphics expert Canute Erickson finally overcame his often lethal illness. However, he wasgot hit by a red…
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Campus Circles of Hell
By Nico Aldape and Teddy Zamborsky May 14, 2016 First Circle (Limbo): Your Room Technically, yYour humble abode, ayet another reminder of both sleep and toil, your room cannot be pinned down as…
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Jeb and Hillary Launch New Line of Cooking Utensils
By Paul Alves May 14, 2016 Jeb! and Hillary Clinton have announced a joint effort to stop the political momentum of Donald Trump: a brand new campaign cooking line. This line of accoutrements will help…
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Mansueto Pregnant
By Morgan Pantuck May 14, 2016 The University is extremely pleased to announce that the Mansueto Library is currently expecting her first child. Rumors have been circulating for some time about Manseuto’s “[baby]…
