-
Acronym Majors on the Rise, New Report Says
Third-year Elena Cooperington agreed: “I told employers at job interviews that I was majoring in REES and SALC with minors in CMST, CRES and CEGU and they had the gall to question my…
-
“Mountain” of Scratch Offs Found Under University Administration Offices
To find out what this could possibly mean, we arranged a video call with Robert Solis, financial analyst and University of Chicago alum. “They’re doing a good job of diversifying their assets. In…
-
Midwave Radio Devastated at a Somehow Negative Listener Count
“It doesn’t make any sense at all,” said Midwave station director Katherine Perth, “There’s no glitch in our analytics software. Somehow, in real life, the opposite of 4 people are listening to our…
-
UChicago Football Loses to Club Rugby
Will Tackleman, club rugby’s fourth-year captain, said, “Most of us have never played football before, but we thought this would be a good team-building event for the guys.”
-
UChicago’s Most Eligible Bachelor Found to be “Escaped Specimen” From UChicago Medicine
The women of UChicago were in for a sexy surprise Thursday when “Dangred McPhee,” a human-like bird, escaped from his research enclosure.
-
EPIC NEW FRESHMEN CHARTER NEW FRAT OMEGA OMEGA OMEGA
Anyways, me and my boys are buying this apartment in Solstice cause we don’t like living in I-House and we thought it would be really cool to cram as many people in there…
-
University Initiates Book Drive for Local Elementary School
When asked about the book drive program, one parent responded, “Wait, they’re selling the books, right? For money? And then they’re giving us the money. Right?” The parent expressed disappointment upon being provided…
-
Disaster Strikes! Kid You Hate Still Goes Here
Realistically, the dream that he would leave the school, or at least get thrown out the door of a plane, was unlikely. But did he really have to spawn right here, right now?…
-
First Year Really Wants You to Know She Also Got into Yale
The announcement, which takes place during an entirely unrelated conversation about Hum classes, sends ripples through the cafeteria. Some express shock that a person admitted to an elite university like Yale deigns to…
-
Op-Ed: You’re Doing Everything Wrong Already
Sure, you attended the RSO fair, but what are you doing standing there reading satirical articles? Whatever you think we said in the app, don’t forget that our real job is getting you…
