In the spirit of the new school year, we at the Shady Dealer have decided to plan ahead for a change, “fall”-ing forward into the quarter’s warm embrace before “spring”-ing back into our habitual state of procrastination.* So while these obituaries might seem a bit premature, they’ve going to be relevant at some point, and we figured we’d get ahead on this curve before getting boned by several others.   In Memoriam (To-Be): Your Pinterest-Ready Indoor “Garden” You thought it would be a nice, happy garden when you first set out, but now, looking down at the barren wasteland of plant skeletons on your radiator, it reminds you more of…

Jordan Peterson, the Canadian psychologist known to roll with the likes of Ben Shapiro and Sam Harris, is a best-selling author of self-help books, the most recent of which is 12 Rules for Life. Like a lot of people, I was not aware Peterson existed until very recently. I wanted to know what all the hype was about, so I decided to take a look. You would never have guessed my surprise when I read that the first rule for life is to stick a finger up your ass! Well now I’m in a bit of a pickle because I went ahead and put my little pinky right up there…

In a bizarre admission of guilt, University of Chicago officials confirmed that they were also involved in the admissions scandals surrounding such schools as USC, Georgetown, and Yale in a campus-wide email on Monday. President of the University Robert ZimZam-Babam wrote, “It is with great regret that we join our prestigious colleagues in this disastrous, horrific scandal that has plagued the most elite universities in the world.” The President continued: “Students and parents are so determined to enjoy all the benefits of a UChicago education including our excellent undergraduate teaching, amazing weather and location, quality inexpensive food and housing, and healthy social and mental environment that they are willing to…

In response to rising acceptance rates, the Office of Admissions has had to search far and wide in search of new places to host prospective students. In a show of goodwill and philanthropy, the fraternities of UChicago have graciously opened their doors to the Maroons of the future, offering them a unique, vaunted perspective on student life at the University. A provisional class of prospies has been flown out to test the program and have been paired with hosts in AEPi, FIJI, and Sig Chi. The Dealer spoke with FIJI’s prospie rep, Chud Junkley IV, about how the fraternity’s prospies were adjusting to the frat house. “They’ve had an excellent…

By Harry Weinstein Jan. 30, 2019   Alpha Delt may have cancelled this week’s bar night because of a polar vortex, but they will not stop me from spending my Wednesday nights like I always do. They can try to remove the room, the music, and even the people from the equation, but they will never stop me from dancing alone and hating myself in a stranger’s basement. Tonight I plan to go on like usual. Dancing and drinking, and then drinking and leaning against a brick wall till someone kicks me out at four in the morning. Maybe I will find a basement below all the singles in I-House,…

By Christian Villanueva Dec. 4, 2018 On November 30, 2018, former president George H.W. Bush passed away in Houston, Texas at the age of 94. While millions across the nation mourned the death of the 41st President of the United States, high school students were unsure of who Bush was. The former president was widely known for his administration’s stance on international relations and foreign affairs, yet when questioned about Bush, local high school student Kevin Smith replied, “Is he the one who did 9/11?” It would appear current high schoolers simply don’t know anything about former presidents or the events that occurred on September 11, 2001. News outlets across…

By Cameron Edgington Nov. 2, 2018   As autumn descends upon us and temperatures lower across the nation, animals of all shapes and sizes seek warmth and cover, collecting enough food to last them through the winter. But one particular group, native to the University of Chicago’s Bartlett Dining Hall, has gone on a hunger strike until their demands are met. Indeed, the famed Bartlett Rats have unionized, inspired by the protest held earlier this month by UChicago grad students. “We’re really just looking for more variety,” said a brown-furred rodent who declined to give his name. “Not just that Kraft Singles crap, but some Muenster, maybe some Stilton every…