The Chicago Shady Dealer

The Only Intentional Humor Publication of the University of Chicago

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Editors in Chief

Deblina Mukherjee

Diego Matamoros

Managing Editor

Kelly Tsing Sum Lo

Layout Editor

Christian Villanueva

Copy Editors

Harry Weinstein

Rahul Gupta

Photo Editor

R.E. Stern

Social Secretary

Kate Kaplin

Director of Special Projects

Merrin Seegers

Disclaimer

Did we hurt your feelings, or say something that “rings untrue” in your soft ears? Well you’re paying too much attention to what we said, and not enough attention to what we meant. God is God, the river is swift, and we don’t give a fuck.

Any complaints can be emailed to [email protected]

  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Booth Student Announces His Two-Week “Immersive Empathy Micro-Metcalf Retreat” on Linkedin

    October 19, 2020 /

    As I am sure that you’ve heard, Booth School of Business, where I am pursuing an MBA as an octuple legacy has gone remote for two weeks. Despite the difficult news and  I am proud and grateful to announce that I have been chosen for a highly selective immersive empathy Micro-Metcalf Retreat in Vue 53!

    read more
    Logan Todrick “Todd” Aubergine IX 0 Comments

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    Last Night’s Presidential Debate Was A Terrible Romantic Comedy

    October 1, 2020

    “Come to Us, O Ancient One, Seize Your Birthright” Chant Hooded CNN Producers, Summoning Anderson Cooper for NYE Show

    December 31, 2020

    Every Time You Say “Happy Holidays” Instead of “Merry Christmas”, Something Bad Happens, But We’re Not Sure What

    December 25, 2020
  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    New Passive Investing RSO Proves Profitable, “Incredibly Boring”

    October 19, 2020 /

    HYDE PARK – UChicago has never had a shortage of investment clubs ready to launch students towards careers in finance, high-paying jobs on Wall Street, and inevitable burnout by age 30. So it should come as no surprise this quarter that two second-year students have taken it upon themselves to found yet another finance RSO. It’s called Phoenix Indexes, and its goal is to teach students the ‘tricks of the trade’ in the world of passive investing. The club shares an origin story with practically every financial RSO. “Phoenix Indexes was founded to solve one key problem: we were rejected from the Blue Chips,” said Ian Vester, PI’s president. “But…

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    An Econ Major 0 Comments

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    College Republicans Hold “We Swear We Aren’t Evil” Party for Incoming First-years

    October 3, 2019

    Mitch McConnell rages at Hype House, looks to contract COVID-19 

    October 25, 2020

    Michael Phelps: “Therapy Helped Me Overcome My Fear of Drowning under the Weight of 23 Olympic Gold Medals”

    January 23, 2020
  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Point: 2020 Will be the Worst Year Ever. Counterpoint: 5781 Will be the Worst Year Ever.

    October 19, 2020 /

    Point: 2020 Will be the Worst Year Ever Written by Bernard Sanders   The COVID-19 Pandemic. The 2020 Presidential Election. Increased and hyper-visible police brutality. Climate change. Fires, floods, droughts, political unrest. This past year has challenged our nation and the world as a whole in ways unmatched in all of history. I personally put my faith in the American public, putting my name in the hat early on in this electoral cycle, only to be betrayed through practices of fearmongering about “socialism” and the influences of my fellow candidates. Let me be clear: I had the solutions, America. 2020 Could have been a horror story with a happy ending,…

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    Anna Katz 0 Comments

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    With University Moving Online, Dealer To Publish Issues Via Fax

    March 31, 2020

    Mitch McConnell rages at Hype House, looks to contract COVID-19 

    October 25, 2020

    Victoria’s Secret Remains Supportive despite COVID-19 Regulations

    January 13, 2021
  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Top 5 Things You Can Say in SOSC to Convince Your Professor That You Did the Readings

    October 18, 2020 /

    “Actually in another class I am taking this quarter...” This is a standard but reliable go to for students who did not want to read another hundred pages of Adam Smith talking about money or whatever. Gold medals should be given to students who can vaguely connect their Global Warming class to their Self discussion. Disclaimer: this phrase does rely heavily on the assumption that you have done the reading for another class. This might be an unrealistic expectation if you are reading this article. 

    read more
    Merrin Seegers 0 Comments

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    With University Moving Online, Dealer To Publish Issues Via Fax

    March 31, 2020

    How to Get Your Dick out of the Revolving Door of the Reg

    November 14, 2019

    Coronavirus isn’t a big deal, it’ll be gone by Easter, I’ll be right eventually, it is what it is; Trump Contracts Coronavirus

    October 3, 2020
  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Trump to Establish New Campaign Headquarters in Bagdad

    October 13, 2020 /

    After several journalists confirmed that Bagdad was indeed a mining-town in Arizona, the campaign manager clarified his previous statement and stated that the new campaign office was an attempt to reach out to Muslim voters and to show that President Trump had their interests in mind after the “Mozlem Ban kerfuffle.”

    read more
    Zakwan Khan 0 Comments

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    Mitch McConnell rages at Hype House, looks to contract COVID-19 

    October 25, 2020

    How to Get Your Dick out of the Revolving Door of the Reg

    November 14, 2019

    Night Owls Presents: Will it be Cold This Winter?

    October 28, 2020
  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Milkshake Wednesday to be Replaced with Fecal Friday

    October 13, 2020 /

     Following the University’s suspension of Milkshake Wednesday over social distancing concerns, the administration has begun using Hutchinson Commons as a center for new, rectal COVID-19 diagnostic tests.

    read more
    Edward A. Meyer 0 Comments

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    First-Year Accidentally Uses The Odyssey as a Travel Guide

    October 5, 2020
    student-laundry

    “Where Is Everyone?” Asks Student Who Just Finished Load of Laundry

    April 3, 2020

    How to Get Your Dick out of the Revolving Door of the Reg

    November 14, 2019
  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Introducing UChicago’s Thoughts and Prayers Network, By and For Enlightened Centrists

    October 13, 2020 /

    UChicago Mutual Aid has recently come under fire for using alleged leftist imagery and leftist concepts like “mutual aid.” I was shocked and appalled when I heard about this. My sister’s neighbor’s dog’s groomer is from the former USSR! And if there’s one thing I learned from my unbiased post-Cold War charter school history classes, it’s that communism is BAD! Arguably just as bad or even worse than fascism! Communism means no iPhone and therefore no mutual aid. Checkmate, leftists. Nonetheless, their ring of Antifa agitators continues in their evildoing. I even heard that they are sending operatives to people’s houses to feed people’s cats and probably give them feline Marxist…

    read more
    Drew Landrowski 0 Comments

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    35 Ways to Spend Your Extra Daylight Savings Hour This Weekend:

    March 9, 2020

    The Bachelor Final Rose to Go to Living Windmill That Speaks Exclusively in Plane Puns

    January 18, 2020

    How to Prep for Civil War

    January 6, 2021
  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Point: the English Department’s Requirement that Ph.D. Students be Interested in Taking Anti-Racist Coursework Excludes Conservatives Counterpoint: Conservatives can’t read

    October 13, 2020 /

    Point: the English Department’s Requirement that Ph.D. Students be Interested in Taking Anti-Racist Coursework Excludes Conservatives. By: University of Chicago Thinker The English department has recently mandated that prospectives students for their Ph.D. program have an interest in Black Studies and commit to collaborating with the Black Studies department. There are a few problems with this, namely that it is a litmus test for conservatism. You might be saying, “How is asking students to demonstrate a commitment to anti-racism exclusionary?” This statement effectively screams “Those not in agreement with anti-racist principles need not apply.” You may be saying, “Okay, but how does needing to be anti-racist make this policy exclusionary…

    read more
    Drew Landrowski 0 Comments

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    Booth Student Announces His Two-Week “Immersive Empathy Micro-Metcalf Retreat” on Linkedin

    October 19, 2020

    How to Write the Republic Using Your Excess Plastic Silverware

    November 23, 2020

    Let’s Face It: God is not a Good Writer

    January 19, 2020
  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Finance Module Teaches First Year Students How to Set Up Tax Havens

    October 8, 2020 /

           As part of their digital O-Week, the University of Chicago has introduced a virtual orientation module about finance taught by an Econ bro. The course’s instructor — rising third-year economics major, Bryce McKinsey III — sporadically appears in the corner of the screen to help students throughout the module, in a manner vaguely reminiscent of Microsoft 1997’s Clippy. Using colorful graphics and lighthearted YouTube videos, McKinsey gives incoming students advice on a variety of topics in personal finance, such as whether they should set up their first tax haven in Liechtenstein or the Cayman Islands.            The Module also includes an Enron simulation game. Students get to…

    read more
    Merrin Seegers 0 Comments

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    Last Night’s Presidential Debate Was A Terrible Romantic Comedy

    October 1, 2020

    College Republicans Hold “We Swear We Aren’t Evil” Party for Incoming First-years

    October 3, 2019

    FDA Recommends Dinosaur Egg Oatmeal for Daily Nostalgia Needs

    May 16, 2019
  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    UChicago Conversations: First Year Impressions vs. Fourth Year Realities

    October 7, 2020 /

    The First Year Version: Scene: Anywhere in Hyde Park, yet somehow always walking towards the Reg Person #1:       Hi!    Person #2:      Hey!   #1:                    What’s up?   #2:                  Nothing much… It’s just that it’s (some number between 3rd-9th) week and I’m completely swamped!   #1:                   [must one-up previous stress level by at least a factor of 3] yeah, no kidding! Plus have you seen (insert news article                         to make him…

    read more
    That Artsy Kid Who's an Econ Major "Just in Case" 0 Comments

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    Godot? I’m Still Waiting

    April 4, 2020

    Dean Nondorf Returns to Cryo-Freezer as Prospie Season Ends

    May 16, 2019

    First-Year Accidentally Uses The Odyssey as a Travel Guide

    October 5, 2020
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Chicago Shady Dealer

  • Home
  • 8=Democracy
  • About Us
  • Previous Issues
  • Our Greatest Hits
  • Submissions

Read It and Weep

  • Victoria’s Secret Remains Supportive despite COVID-19 Regulations
  • How to Prep for Civil War
  • The Dealer’s Georgia Runoff Election Forecasts
  • “Come to Us, O Ancient One, Seize Your Birthright” Chant Hooded CNN Producers, Summoning Anderson Cooper for NYE Show
  • Every Time You Say “Happy Holidays” Instead of “Merry Christmas”, Something Bad Happens, But We’re Not Sure What
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