While parents Michael and Jessica Trout carefully budgeted for their son Timothy’s college expenses along with a single wedding, they were abruptly reminded that some costs simply cannot be anticipated when they watched him engage in conversation with three women over the course of Parents’ Weekend. Timothy was seen confidently saying “Hi” to Sally Jenkins in the hallways of Renee Granville-Grossman on Saturday October, 23, before causing her to giggle as he referenced how much work he has this weekend. Timothy was then spotted this morning telling Ella Hill the readings for HUMA in Cathey Dining Hall. Her roommate, Martha Stuart, stood by as they talked. All three women are…

Though I’m still an undergrad, I recently applied to an assistant professorship at Booth, for one reason: to fight for what I know is right. It is grossly inequitable that graduate students are able to teach undergraduate courses, but undergraduate students cannot teach graduate courses. It’s probably unconstitutional, too. In such a system, we must ask ourselves: quis custodiet ipsos custodes? Who watches the watchmen? Or, indeed, who grades the graders? The professors? A third group, beholden to neither party, nor, indeed, subject to any oversight? That’s even more iniquitous, and there is only one remedy: we need to make undergraduates full professors in the university’s graduate schools. This would…

Let’s face it. The Blue Chips is one of the only organizations on campus actually worth being a part of. Doing any other RSO is a waste of time, which is why your lesser peers won’t be the ones that get that Goldman internship. To be fair, neither will you – unless you heed this advice carefully. It’ll only determine the trajectory of your entire life, no biggie. Make a sacrifice to the botany pond ducks. You must acquire three seeds of a kumquat, an ounce of your own blood, one feather from Phil the Phoenix, and a doritos locos taco. Present these to the botany pond ducks on a…

When local father Mike Jones said that he would be doing his own research on vaccination, his small suburban town thought they had heard it all before. “I thought he was just going to email me some PragerU infographics until he got aggravated or until I turned on the Bears game,” remarked his wife, Carol. “I didn’t think he would actually go out and get an NIH-funded project in infectious disease.”

Now, we understand, you might be thinking: what do you need my credit card number for? What could my credit card number possibly have to do with some definitely pre-existing jetski? What a stupid-ass question. Listen, buddy: it’s a jetski. It goes really, really fast. On the water! And it’s red. Red! Isn’t that dope?

“How cute,” thought Jeff Herbert, a second year living in Campus North Residential Commons, as he overheard the music coming from the room over. “They really let anybody play in these practice rooms nowadays.” It was clear to Herbert that the novice pianist beside him had not taken their craft as seriously as himself and was simply utilizing the room to either insult Mozart personally or bolster the ego of every other piano protege who happened to be waiting for the elevator — a number ranging from 10 to 50 at any given time. “I mean, who do they think they are?” Herbert asked when reached for comment. “I could play…

This just in: Nicholas Romanov, the longtime Wellness Czar of Salisbury House in Burton-Judson, has been unseated by an anonymous group gaining traction on campus: “The Wellness Bolsheviks”. According to our sources, the transit of power came about via “a messy health food fight” in the house lounge, rather than an adequate democratic procedure. Some students believe the former WellCzar has made an undercover escape to International House. Resident Assistant of Salisbury House Gregory “RA” Sputin, who reportedly suffered a mild food poisoning amid the coup, declined to comment.  The Wellsheviks’ political platform centers on socialized healthcare. “You can’t spell ‘Well’ without ‘We’,” opined one of the rebellion leaders, “If…

Books are teachers, and very patient ones, for that matter. The lesson that all the books in the Regenstein bookstacks collectively taught me is that sometimes I should trust the posts on UChicago Secrets.  Teaching this unlikely truth certainly requires patience, but bear with me. Before arriving on campus, I was prone to brush off all the ‘sex in the stacks is great’ discourse on Secrets as another local meme. After all, who actually has sex in a library? It’s dusty, the aisles are narrow, and the odds to be heard or seen are just too high. Placed into a dorm room with another straight girl, I did not have…