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How To Get This Quarter’s Existential Crisis Over With Early
As winter quarter begins and your courses kick into high gear, it's once again time to face the fact that at some point between now and finals, you’ll inevitably break down. But can…
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Ranking All the Friends I Made During Autumn Quarter
Due to COVID-19 restrictions, this has been a difficult time for first years to make friends. Social gatherings and many activities usually seen as a way to establish connections have either been cancelled…
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Conspiracy Theory: First Years Aren’t Real
In recent news, the life (of the mind) at the University of Chicago has been brought to a startling halt after rumors began circulating that Administration forwent accepting ACTUAL students for the class…
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UChicago to be Film Location for New ‘Community’ Documentary
Universal Pictures has just announced plans to release a Community Documentary in early 2023. The President of Universal Pictures, Peter Cramer, said his team made plans to the put the movie in production…
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Math Department Discovers New Highest Number
A team of mathematicians at the University of Chicago have discovered a new highest number, a new paper reveals. That number, 87382, is nearly 2 higher than the previous highest number, 87381.
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The Top 4 Chicago Thinkers: Number 3 Will Shock You!
The Chicago Thinker thinks their writers do the best thinking out of anyone. Today we pay homage to The Chicago Thinker and its team of Thinkers™, by honouring some of their influences --…
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Sorority Girl Accidentally Summons Satan During COB Event
Gracie, a prospective classics major, had accidentally gotten her copy of Dante’s “Divine Comedy” mixed up with the 666-page New Member Education booklet distributed to the girls the week before.
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Phil the Phoenix Eats Child
In an unwelcome addition to an already stressful week of exams and papers, beloved UChicago mascot Phil the Phoenix is reported to have recently eaten a child.
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In Bid for Respectability, Theta Becomes Cult
Following years of racism and discrimination, this UChicago sorority is shaking things up. In their most recent grab for respectability, Kappa Alpha Theta has decided on a bold new direction for their sisterhood:…
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Zoom Host Drunk with Power
In a shocking turn of events, Carl Shelton, Zoom host of his chemistry study group’s meeting this week, has become inexorably drunk with power.
