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Point: I Wanna Step on the Reynolds Club Seal/ Counterpoint: I Want the Reynolds Club Seal to Step on Me
It’s not like I haven’t tried to make it happen, either. I’ve dropped subtle hints — every time I walk through Reynolds, I make sure I’m looking my best.
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Op-Ed: Hey Stacy, Bring Your Mom to the Party Tomorrow
I know you’ve been wanting to get drinks with me for a while, so like, you should totally come to the party with your mom ‘cause we’ll definitely have drinks.
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Point: Hey Guys! Watch Me Do an Ollie on My Skateboard!/ Counterpoint: Uh Oh!
Josh, grab my phone and text that girl I’ve been talking to. Yeah, Ashley. Tell her to get over here. Tell her it’s the hill by Alex’s house.
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“Shut the Door on Your Ex” and Other Advice From Door Etiquette for Dummies
The TA who gave you a bad grade last quarter: blockade the doorway and take a nap so they can’t get through.
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University Introduces Mandatory ‘Cool’ Nicknames for Places on Campus
By our calculations, the average UChicago student wastes three hours every day speaking out the names of various campus buildings in monotonous compliance.
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Kid Makes Anaphylactic Shock All About Himself
Joseph Silverstein, a member of Johnson’s house, said, “Yeah, so while John went to the bathroom, I swapped his muffin with one that had peanuts, and, gosh, after hearing that he went to…
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Top 5 Things That I Just Found in Your Backpack
Ever since I “stole” your “backpack” from “Calc 152” it’s been alllllll you’ve been wanting to talk about.
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Student Walks to Class with Unshakeable Gaze and Steely Resolve
Onlookers observed as Rushmore tripped several other students, reportedly shouting, “I’m a very smart UChicago student. I need to get to class.”
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University Introduces New Way to Get Downtown: “Walk, Motherfuckers”
This option has been poorly received by undergraduates, as several would-be ‘motherfuckers’ told the Dealer.
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Dealer Investigates: The Many Crimes of “Dean Boyer”
Our anonymous agent in the FBI (hey Jack!) reports that “Lee Harvey Oswald” was really a pseudonym for “Dean Boyer” all along.
