Campus Life

So You Have a Big Dick? Here Are 6 Better Ways to Prove It Than Going to a Gun Range With the College Republicans

So you’re well-endowed and you subconsciously want to prove it. Understandable. But instead of proving your worth by joining the College Republicans and attending their yearly gun range trip, here are a few alternatives:

  1. Name-drop your Senator dad

Mention that your dad is a Senator. It doesn’t matter that he’s just a state senator, say “senator.” If his net worth is over $25 million, then that’s just icing on the cake. Everybody knows that big dick energy is genetic, so if your dad’s a senator, it’s safe to assume that he, and by extension you, is sporting a humongous Richard Nixon (R-CA).

  1. Wear two Canada Goose jackets at once

Nothing shows well-endowedness like the time-honored tactic of flaunting your wealth. While you’re at it, maybe just kill a goose in front of your frat house. That seems like a masculine thing to do. 

  1. Wear really big shoes

You get it, right? Right?

  1. Major in Biz Econ

What better way to prove your one-eyed trouser snake is well above average than by playing with coloring books all day? By joining the ranks of the UChicago econ department, you will follow in the footsteps of Milton Friedman, Douglas W. Diamond, and Big Dick Brad from your SOSC.

(The Dealer would like to note that Saieh Hall is vaguely phallic, so maybe there’s something there, too.)

  1. Don’t join in the first place

Everyone already assumes that members of the College Republicans joined the club to compensate for something, whether it be a life spent without parental affection, or just plain-old micropenis syndrome. What better way to demonstrate your endowment than to not join the group where membership screams “my pocket rocket hasn’t grown since birth”?

  1. Just wear a t-shirt that says “I Have a Big Dick”

No need for subtle gestures.