Campus Life

What Your Favorite Coffee Shop Says About You

Ex Lib

You really like the Core because you get to have interesting conversations with people across the university. You’re a copy editor for the Maroon and the TA for a Gen Chem class. You’re majoring in psychology because you’re interested in how people think. You think Timothée Chalamet is really hot. 

Grounds of Being

You have a bunch of interesting laptop stickers that reveal an interest in folk music and saving the whales. You’ve thought of dropping out to become a farmer several times, but ultimately you don’t want to give up your art history / fundamentals double major. You’re friends with a lot of baristas and your parents are academics. 

Plein Air

You carry all your books in a leather satchel you found at a thrift store in Pilsen. You always get every reading for class as a physical book from the Reg. You’ve been reading Infinite Jest for the last year and haven’t heard of Justin Bieber


You’re studying abroad in Morocco next quarter, but you’ll miss acting in Much Ado about Nothing and cuddling with your foster cat. Your favorite movie is 500 Days of Summer, but you wish they ended up together at the end since he was so nice. Hookup culture is ruining America.


You recently got really into beat poetry. Your last date looked like the girl from Jean-Luc Godard’s Breathless. You travel around campus on a skateboard and like complaining about the fact that you live in North. You have never won a game of pool in your life. You’re majoring in history with an environmental concentration.


You’re really upset that the 51st Street Whole Foods might close. You used up all of your Maroon Dollars within the first week at Hutch but you’re still unwilling to cook in your Woodlawn apartment. You were originally going to major in Data Science and Public Policy but your current CS class is stressing you out so you’ll probably switch to Biz Econ. 


You made a YouTube video of your college decision reactions when you were a senior in high school. You’re passionate about mixology and volunteer at the IOP in your free time, though your Law Letters coursework keeps you pretty busy. Every person you have dated looks kinda like Michael Cera. 


You transferred to UChicago from your local state school, and sometimes you wish you stayed. You’re involved in Fire Escape Films and work at the OI.  You sometimes get strange looks from carrying your bike helmet into class. You don’t own a bike. During the pandemic, you got really into crocheting and hamster husbandry.


You’re a volunteer at Doc Films and really loved Slacker. Your top genre on Spotify was Britpop Indie New Wave Post Punk, and you wish your homework left you more time to make music with your band X-Seagull 512, where you play the laptop. You have several posters of East German Metal Bands in your Max P single, all from your Dad’s collector friend who worked with him at Bain Capital. Your suitemate wants you dead because of all the music you play in your room. You haven’t changed your sheets in at least six months.

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Lena Birkholz is a second-year in the College who somehow seems to be turning out exactly like her parents. When not writing biting exposes of the university for the Dealer, Lena enjoys mispronouncing the word "corps", jaywalking and taking up space in coffeeshops