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Congress Announces Long Term Plan to Create More Fossil Fuels by Fast Tracking Anthropogenic Extinctions
“We see and hear our plants and animals around us going extinct: we’re going to accelerate that, so that our grandchildren and their grandchildren can have what we have today.”
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Coming to Disney+ in 2027: The Unbelievable True Story of the Man Who Trained Birds to Sell Opioids
Disney+ has yet to release the series, but the Washington Post has already called it “unexpected” and “probably a financial disaster,” adding that “the line of McDonald’s Happy Meal toys containing actual opioids…
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Pope Francis Considering a 2024 Bid for Dalai Lama
"Honestly, he’s tired of dealing with all of the minute Priest stuff. Being the Pope is a lot more giving out the eucharist and wearing a little hat and a lot less having…
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Breaking: Your New Student Government
The Student Government elections are over, and the Shady Dealer has the scoop on the winners! In other news, we got arrested for breaking into the office of the Elections and Rules committee,…
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Night Owls: Will It Be Cold This Winter?
In exclusive, never before seen footage, the Dealer sits down with Agnes Callard to discuss whether or not we can expect it to be cold this Winter, among other things.
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Data Driven Analysis of the Most Likely Wars Dean Boyer Will Liken to Getting into the University of Chicago at Convocation
It’s that time of the year again: back to school sales are starting, temperatures are cooling, and college students across the country are preparing to return to campus for what they hope may…
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Op-Ed: Does Anyone Have Any Tips or Tricks?
Hey guys, just wondering if anyone had a tip or trick I could use. Could be both (a tip and trick), but certainly not neither. I read the other day that you can…
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Top 10 Things Economists Think the Economy Is
Recent reports have found that most economists believe that the economy will recover quite strongly following the world-ending novel coronavirus. While this sounds like good news, it should also be mentioned that these…
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Romans So White They Only Salted Carthage
CARTHAGE, CARTHAGINIAN EMPIRE, 146 BC – Romans have finally conquered the city of Carthage in North Africa following a siege lasting over two years. Although a peace treaty was signed between the two…
