Breaking News
By Bryan Tallman and Sandra Rice May 5, 2012
Point counterpoint is back! This time with an in depth discussion of campus parties!
lysses Francis Johnson-Matova, age 5, was reported missing from his Seattle-area Montessori kindergarten last Wednesday and discovered, after two days of frantic searching, aerial dancing to Enya at a rehearsal with the world-renowned circus company, Cirque du Soleil. Little Ulysses’ kindergarten teacher, Rainbow Harris, reported him missing when she noticed his organic heirloom jicama and cilantro-infused hummus untouched at the end of snack time. According to Harris, the kindergartner must have made his escape between 10 and 11 am, since he was present during morning sessions of Bikram yoga, ukulele mindfulness, and artisanal abacus trigonometry.
Derrick Tranlin, a senior at Area High School, showed an unsettling amount of enthusiasm last Tuesday when he came across a brief reference to the upcoming release of the latest Magic the Gathering expansion.
Tranlin was alone on his computer Tuesday when the barest hint of a smile crossed his face. No one could possibly have witnessed the embarrassing moment, but that doesn’t change the fact that it was there. Years of showing no emotion were immediately undone.
Derrick’s mother explained, “He was a quiet child. Is a quiet child. He just never gets too excited about anything.”
Residents of nearby Morris, Illinois were disappointed to discover last week that the cows in their area were not as easily impressed as they had anticipated.
The disheartening discovery came when a few residents approached a small herd of Scottish Black Angus cattle, a common breed in American beef production, and attempted to wow them with ostentatious displays of skills and abiliities that “only humans could do.”
The World Wildlife Fund (WWF) announced today that the previously “hungry hungry” hippos have been officially downgraded to “peckish” status. This represents a significant improvement on the WWF’s Population Satiety Index, putting the hippos just one step above “Yeah, I could eat,” and two steps above “God, I feel so fat,” the lowest risk rating. WWF officials cite new conservation techniques and advances in synthetic marble production as essential in this improvement.
In a move that has surprised the Nation as well as political leaders around the globe, Juliet has renounced her Throne as Queen of the Milky, Cream-based, and Often Frothy Dairy Dominions. The decision came in the form of a written declaration issued yesterday to the Dairy Parliament and witnessed by Her Majesty's siblings, the Duke of Soy and the Prince of Ice Creams.
This week’s topic: The Howler Cockroach
Today, we turn our attention to one of the most pressing threats threateningly threatening our ecosystem: the threat of the Howler Cockroach.
I’m sure you have all already watched the PBS documentary and the multitude of news reports on the subject, so I won’t bore you with the details of how this disgusting freak of nature came about. I won’t repeat the details of how the mad scientist Dr. Nikolai Kremsky, working under the regime of Joseph Stalin, forced a howler monkey to mate with a hissing cockroach in an attempt to create a weapon to rival the American atom bomb. Nor will I tell you about the failed CIA raid on the laboratory, which resulted in the accidental release of these mutants.
Point counterpoint is back! This time with an in depth discussion of campus parties!