Campus Life

Dispelling Fears about Age, Joe Biden Kills Moose with Bare Hands

WASHINGTON– President Joe Biden has put to rest any doubts about his fitness to serve by killing a moose, with his bare hands on the White House front lawn.

In a primetime ceremony on Friday, Biden, 81, subjected Elbridge the Moose to the full force of his raw masculine power. After eight minutes of brutal combat that left the president with three shattered ribs, Elbridge finally succumbed to the commander in chief’s deadly chokehold. 

At a press conference after his triumph, a grinning Biden told reporters, “Look, the fact of the matter is, I still got it, Jack. I’ve been hearing a lot of chatter lately about whether I’m too old for this job. Well, I’m happy to set things straight tonight: it’s a bunch of malarkey. It’s like my high school football coach always told me: if the axe still finds the tree, don’t trade it for a lawnmower. Lemme give it to you straight: there hasn’t been a more virile man in the White House since Andrew Jackson killed that guy.”

When asked whether he would be seeking medical attention for his broken ribs, Biden popped on a pair of sunglasses and said, “I’m from Delaware, kid.”

The killing could have profound implications for the 2024 presidential election, experts told the Dealer. “I think it’s safe to say that this will play very well in the Midwest, particularly in the key states of Michigan and Wisconsin,” said political science professor Abigail Marmaduke of Northwestern University. “Voters in those states have always liked a man who can slaughter a woodland beast unarmed. The other thing to keep in mind is that Elbridge was extremely unpopular in North Carolina, and that’s going to be an important factor as the president tries to flip the state this year.”

Other analysts agreed. “Republicans have consistently hammered Biden on his age, but it’s hard to see those attacks landing after today,” said CNN’s Jerry Oakeshott.

“We’re so fucked,” said a Republican congressman who wished to remain anonymous. “God, we’re so fucked. It’s so over, man.”

The ceremony was not entirely without its critics, however. “What did that moose know about Hunter Biden’s business deals in Ukraine?” asked Kevin McCarthy, a Republican voter from California. “Let’s not allow the president’s ultra-badass displays of strength and courage cloud our ability to see what’s going on here. It wouldn’t surprise me if that moose worked for Burisma, or if that moose sold crack to Jill Biden, quite frankly. Let’s get to the bottom of this.”

Former President Donald Trump, the Republican frontrunner for president, also expressed criticism of the broadcast. “It’s disappointing to see the president indulging in such gratuitous displays of violence. It reinforces an ideal of leadership based in outmoded, hyper-aggressive models of masculinity. In perfect candor, I think it demeans the office of the presidency, and I truly worry about the message it sends to young men and boys across this country, who ought to be encouraged to embrace a more compassionate, thoughtful version of manhood.”