-
Tired of Seeing His Ads, Mark Zuckerberg Blocks Bloomberg from Facebook Feed
Mark Zuckerberg is just like us! After years of speculation, we finally have substantive proof that he is not a robot sent from Mars to kill us all. He is, in fact, human: he too is completely fed up with seeing Michael Bloomberg all over his Facebook feed. Unlike the hilarious memability that is Bernie’s ads or the tangible desperateness in Elizabeth Warren’s ads, Bloomberg has tight, well formatted advertisements which makes them annoying and no fun. Like a Progressive commercial without Flo or a Pepsi commercial without Cardi B, Bloomberg ads are just not enjoyable to watch. I know that I for one have seen them too many times,…
-
What Happens Between Pre-Reg and Schedule Release
To the chagrin of unsuspecting students who were already grappling with running complicated game theory calculations in their heads to determine how to rank their classes, pre-registration resolution is now a week longer than normal. This recent change has provoked an outpouring of frustration, with students blaming the malfeasance and incompetence of the computer science department for yet another of their woes. Intriguingly, an investigation by the Shady Dealer has revealed that the computer science department is not to blame. We would never stoop so low as to absolve the administration of blame for its misdeeds, however, and the results of our research have only confirmed our resolve. Continuing our…
-
Point/Counterpoint: 11 Things UChicago Students Think They’re Doing Right Now versus 11 Things UChicago Students Are Actually Doing Right Now
Point: Solving the mystery of what happened to the missing sock in the laundry Counterpoint: Watching Sherlock for the 4thtime Point: Supporting local businesses and restaurants Counterpoint: Being too lazy to cook for myself Point: Practicing social distancing Counterpoint: It’s raining outside and too gross) Point: Reading a book Counterpoint: Reading the subtitles of the news) Point: Texting friends to keep in touch Counterpoint: Easier than actually talking to people Point: Wearing gloves to stop the spread of Covid-19 Counterpoint: It’s still somehow cold in April, and did I mention that it’s raining? Point: Calling it Covid-19 to sound fancy and thinking that it…
-
Area Man Cooks with Street Salt
Its been a long and fruitful winter for one local man who now as all he needs for these upcoming months. Each day Rolley drives around and when he spots his special blue/purple rocks strewn about streets and sidewalks, he steps out and collects them. For the upcoming spring, he now has more salt than ever before, greedily filling each and every closet in his apartment. His “special spice” brings a special bite to his cooking that his friends describe as “unmistakable” and “definitely something else”. Before I left his home, I was provided with a special omelet to try it for myself. The light purple tint made it all…
-
“Where is everyone?” Asks Student Who Just Finished Load of Laundry
After two months, Owen Davis had finally figured it out. On the morning of Januray 20, 2020, the RGG resident looked in his dresser only to realize that he had run out of clean clothes. He pulled the cleanest-smelling shirt from his laundry basket and went commando in jeans to his 2 classes that day. He then forgot about his laundry until 10:30 pm that night. “It’s fine,” he figured. “I’ll be done in an hour and a half. A half hour for washing, and an hour for drying, right?” Owen did not emerge from the laundry room until the morning of March 23. I had the opportunity to interview…
-
How the Lockdown Helped Me Bond With the Ghost That Lives In My Apartment
When I first moved into my apartment on Dorchester, seeing the apparition of a Victorian girl in the middle of the night was an unwelcome and gut-wrenching experience. However, in the wake of the stand-in-place implemented by Governor Pritzker, I’m learning to bond with the ghost that haunts my apartment. Eleanor and I have grown quite close and she’s only tried to suck out my life force through my eyeballs twice. Here’s how I took this time to bond with the ghost in my apartment. Eleanor and I have had our disagreements in our time together as housemates. She likes things on the cold, clammy, and dark side, while I…
-
With University Moving Online, Dealer To Publish Issues Via Fax
CHICAGO, IL – Representatives for the Shady Dealer announced today that, despite the University of Chicago’s move towards online classes, the paper would keep publishing, albeit in a different format. Effective immediately, new issues of the Dealer will be distributed by fax. “With the University moving classes to Zoom, we figured it was finally time to embrace modern technology,” noted the paper’s editors in a statement released Friday. “The coronavirus crisis has forced us to think creatively about how we distribute our issues, and we think we’ve hit upon a solution that will finally bring the Shady Dealer into the 20th century.” Among other factors, the Dealer touted convenience as…
-
What Happens Between Pre-Reg and Schedule Release
To the chagrin of unsuspecting students who were already grappling with running complicated game theory calculations in their heads to determine how to rank their classes, pre-registration resolution is now a week longer than normal. This recent change has provoked an outpouring of frustration, with students blaming the malfeasance and incompetence of the computer science department for yet another of their woes. Intriguingly, an investigation by the Shady Dealer has revealed that the computer science department is not to blame. We would never stoop so low as to absolve the administration of blame for its misdeeds, however, and the results of our research have only confirmed our resolve. Continuing our…
-
35 Ways to Spend Your Extra Daylight Savings Hour This Weekend:
Bungee jumping, Having sex Having more sex Having even more sex because you really don’t take that long to have sex Calling your mother and apologizing for everything, Finally visiting the Art Institute Touring Evanston to feel slightly better about your decision to come here PLEIN AIR, finally finishing the long-overdue HUM paper you had all those ideas for when you started (applies to all years), Breathing because you forget how you breathe all the time and it’s amazing, Mountain biking, Going camping for one complete hour, Apologizing to your mother again, Going on a date with a real human being who is real, definitely, and totally human, starting books…
-
The Worst Part of MODA Was Having to Put the Models Down after the Show
People say to us all the time, “MODA is so great,” “MODA is so original,” “You’re so brave for designing clothes,” “We could never wear clothes like you do” — we know. But so much more goes on behind the scenes. You’ve got your typical fashion show rituals, like eating paper and water for two days before the event. You’ve also got some more progressive traditions, like sacrificing a male virgin as opposed to a female one. But, at the end of the day, the most harrowing thing we have to do as the MODA board is put down all of the models at the end of the show. You…
The Only Intentional Humor Publication of the University of Chicago
