The Chicago Shady Dealer

The Only Intentional Humor Publication of the University of Chicago

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Masthead

Editors in Chief

Deblina Mukherjee

Diego Matamoros

Managing Editor

Kelly Tsing Sum Lo

Layout Editor

Christian Villanueva

Copy Editors

Harry Weinstein

Rahul Gupta

Photo Editor

R.E. Stern

Social Secretary

Kate Kaplin

Director of Special Projects

Merrin Seegers

Disclaimer

Did we hurt your feelings, or say something that “rings untrue” in your soft ears? Well you’re paying too much attention to what we said, and not enough attention to what we meant. God is God, the river is swift, and we don’t give a fuck.

Any complaints can be emailed to [email protected]

Chicago Shady Dealer

With University Moving Online, Dealer To Publish Issues Via Fax

CHICAGO, IL – Representatives for the Shady Dealer announced today that, despite the University of Chicago’s move towards online classes, the paper would keep publishing, albeit in a different format.…

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March 31, 2020
Arts & Culture

5 Takeaways from Oscar the Grouch’s New Album: When I Get Home, to My Trash Can

In true chaos-Muppet fashion, Oscar the Grouch revealed only a small handful of clues about his new album, When I Get Home, to My Trash Can, ahead of its arrival yesterday…

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May 16, 2019
Lifestyle

I’m Lactose Intolerant, Actually Intolerant, and Afraid for My Life

I hoped that political violence would remain a buzzword or an abstract concept, but when my chauffeur Jeeves was driving me to campus this morning, I heard a horrifying news…

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May 24, 2019
COVID Special Issue

$100 Million and a Million Tests: How The NFL Played Throughout a Pandemic

The NFL spent an exorbitant amount of time and money to hold in-person activities and games in the months leading up to the season, culminating in the super bowl. If…

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February 19, 2021
Campus Life

Top 7 Things In My Room I Haven’t Made Beautiful Love To

With the COVID-19 pandemic, us first-years have had a good amount of time to explore our rooms. That being said, here’s seven things in my room I haven’t made sweet,…

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January 25, 2021
UChicago Student: “Will There Be A Curve on the COVID Test?”
UChicago Student: “Will There Be A Curve on the COVID Test?”
With University Moving Online, Dealer To Publish Issues Via Fax
With University Moving Online, Dealer To Publish Issues Via Fax
  • COVID Special Issue

    $100 Million and a Million Tests: How The NFL Played Throughout a Pandemic

    February 19, 2021 /

    The NFL spent an exorbitant amount of time and money to hold in-person activities and games in the months leading up to the season, culminating in the super bowl. If something as meaningless as football can do it, why can't UChicago?

    read more
    Chicago Shady Dealer 0 Comments

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    Changing the Script on Love at UChicago

    February 19, 2021

    Students Collect Oral History of Frontline Workers During Pandemic

    February 19, 2021

    “A Fatiguing Journey”: A Frontline Worker at UChicago Hospital Reflects

    February 19, 2021
  • COVID Special Issue

    Practicing for an Uncertain Season

    February 19, 2021 /

    "I just don't see the point of swimming back and forth alone in individual lanes in a way that in no way affects the performance of others also swimming alone in individual lanes which happen to be beside us, unless those others are there in those lanes, which happen to be beside us. I mean, what are we supposed to do -- just time ourselves and then compare results? What would the point of that be?"

    read more
    I Don’t Need My Ex-Wife Anymore 0 Comments

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    The Carillon Guild: Before and After the Pandemic

    February 19, 2021

    Changing the Script on Love at UChicago

    February 19, 2021

    9,300 Miles and 14 Hours Away, International Students Struggle With Attending UChicago Virtually

    February 19, 2021
  • COVID Special Issue

    Changing the Script on Love at UChicago

    February 19, 2021 /

    The admissions department tried to tell me that even nerds like me could get laid at UChicago. As far as I’m concerned, that’s a legally enforceable contract. The University owes me a girlfriend, preferably a cute one, or I’ll sue for false advertising. My dad’s a lawyer — he’d do it.

    read more
    Luke Hughes 0 Comments

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    9,300 Miles and 14 Hours Away, International Students Struggle With Attending UChicago Virtually

    February 19, 2021

    Practicing for an Uncertain Season

    February 19, 2021

    The Carillon Guild: Before and After the Pandemic

    February 19, 2021
  • COVID Special Issue

    Elderly Folks Show Resilience, Maintain Regular Social Interactions During Pandemic, Study Finds

    February 19, 2021 /

    Surprise, surprise — elderly folks have been doing elderly things during the pandemic, a new study from the University of Chicago’s National Opinion Research Center (NORC) finds. The study, which was conducted via faxed written questionnaires during December 2020, was released Tuesday.

    read more
    Chicago Shady Dealer 0 Comments

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    The Carillon Guild: Before and After the Pandemic

    February 19, 2021

    How UChicago’s Class of 2025 Navigated an Unprecedented Application Cycle

    February 19, 2021

    The Talker Versus the Texter

    February 19, 2021
  • COVID Special Issue

    NCAA Overlooks DIII Athletes

    February 19, 2021 /

    “D-I players are so tall that it’s hard to see over them and find the D-III players,” said NCAA President Mark Emmert. “Take basketball, for example. Your average D-I center is 6’8” or taller. I’d have loved to be able to accommodate the D-III people in the back, but we just couldn’t find them.”

    read more
    Chicago Shady Dealer 0 Comments

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    Practicing for an Uncertain Season

    February 19, 2021

    Public School During a Pandemic: CPS’ Rocky Year

    February 19, 2021

    Bummed about a Pandemic Breakup? It May Be an Opportunity for Growth

    February 19, 2021
  • COVID Special Issue

    Report: Fourth Years Graduating into the Pandemic

    February 19, 2021 /

    College graduation is one of life’s last clean transitions, a final passage from adolescence to adulthood that is predictable in ways other transitions rarely are. College is one of the only things in life that ends with a fresh start. Except when it doesn’t, because there’s a pandemic so your graduation is online and also you lost the link to join on Zoom, and more than that, you’re in the bedroom where you masturbated for the first time.

    read more
    Chicago Shady Dealer 0 Comments

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    “A Fatiguing Journey”: A Frontline Worker at UChicago Hospital Reflects

    February 19, 2021

    9,300 Miles and 14 Hours Away, International Students Struggle With Attending UChicago Virtually

    February 19, 2021

    The Carillon Guild: Before and After the Pandemic

    February 19, 2021
  • COVID Special Issue

    Public School During a Pandemic: CPS’ Rocky Year

    February 19, 2021 /

    CPS has released a daring plan to resume in-person instruction after nearly a year of online learning. The key element? Hourly COVID testing.

    read more
    Chicago Shady Dealer 0 Comments

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    How UChicago’s Class of 2025 Navigated an Unprecedented Application Cycle

    February 19, 2021

    The Carillon Guild: Before and After the Pandemic

    February 19, 2021

    During Year of Coronavirus, Local Businesses Forced to Adapt

    February 19, 2021
  • COVID Special Issue

    The Carillon Guild: Before and After the Pandemic

    February 19, 2021 /

    It was a cold morning, I remember thinking that it had probably rained last night. I’m pretty good at telling when it’s recently rained. I’m actually just pretty good at meteorology stuff in general. Anyway, Rockefeller Chapel (or, simply Rockefeller to us within the Guild) stood stoic and tall.

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    The Master Carillonneur 0 Comments

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    The Talker Versus the Texter

    February 19, 2021

    Friendship During COVID–19 Requires Communication and Consent

    February 19, 2021

    How UChicago’s Class of 2025 Navigated an Unprecedented Application Cycle

    February 19, 2021
  • COVID Special Issue

    9,300 Miles and 14 Hours Away, International Students Struggle With Attending UChicago Virtually

    February 19, 2021 /

    “It’s actually been really nice,” said third-year Fig Newton, currently located in Singapore. “Because all of my classes are from 1 a.m. to 4 a.m. my time, I barely see my family. I’ve also been able to befriend a bunch of bats who live in the tree outside my house."

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    First-Year Experiences During a Quarter of Firsts

    February 19, 2021

    How UChicago’s Class of 2025 Navigated an Unprecedented Application Cycle

    February 19, 2021

    344 Days of Isolation: The Dealer’s COVID Retrospective

    February 19, 2021
  • COVID Special Issue

    “A Fatiguing Journey”: A Frontline Worker at UChicago Hospital Reflects

    February 19, 2021 /

    “Because of COVID,” Orst said, “elevators have been at limited capacity. I’ve had to take the stairs to move my liquids from Floor 4 to Floor 5. Do you know how long it takes to just get to the stairs?”

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    Chicago Shady Dealer 0 Comments

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    Changing the Script on Love at UChicago

    February 19, 2021

    During Year of Coronavirus, Local Businesses Forced to Adapt

    February 19, 2021

    9,300 Miles and 14 Hours Away, International Students Struggle With Attending UChicago Virtually

    February 19, 2021
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Chicago Shady Dealer

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  • 8=Democracy
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