Don’t shower. Given that you haven’t gone outside in the past two weeks and haven’t seen anyone, this one might already be a given. Showering removes your body’s natural oils and “funk,” if you will, that signals your roommate that you are a formidable foe. Embrace your natural scent, as it will ward off predators and signal that you are a friend, not food.   Eat only raw onions: You may be thinking, what if adding onions only adds to my flavor and makes me more enticing? Indeed, in moderation, onions would be a nice marinade, but here at the Shady Dealer, we don’t believe in moderation. Shovel those layered…

Come on sweetie, you don’t look lactose intolerant! You’re not really lactose intolerant, you’re probably just faking so you get more bathroom breaks. Your poops are liquid? Like an old Philadelphia roll from Shinju, this too shall pass. Just let it go. Just lift your chin up, smile, and peel your ass off the toilet.  Don’t take Lactaid, that changes the chemistry of your digestive system! You want to go see a gastroenterologist?  Just snap out of it! Everyone struggles with gastrointestinal problems in their life, but you have to power through like everyone else! Do you think you have it bad? There are people out there who don’t even have a…

“This is the first good decision he’s made on behalf of the black community,” said longtime Hyde Parker Marshall Jackson. “Now that he’s out of the race, I could see myself giving him a second chance.”   Controversy in his home city of South Bend, Indiana for his firing of a black police chief and not doing enough for the black community followed Mayor Pete.   “Maybe if he spent as much time talking about reparations and ending police violence as he did about ‘future former Republicans’, he wouldn’t have to drop out,” said fellow Hyde Parker Amisha Thompson. “Not that big a loss – he was running to be…

The Boomers say cursive is dead. The millennials say cursive is useless. But I, a lonely sapiosexual, say cursive is life.   I like imagining the way cursive was invented. One day, someone looked at text and was like, you know what? These are too many fucking letters. Everyone needs to get a goddamn grip. I’m gonna make this shit one letter. Fucking take that, atheists. You didn’t think I could turn “contrapositive” into one letter — think again.   My dedication to cursive has proved something to me that I will never forget: Words are for the strong. People look at me strangely when I’m drawing connections between the…

What happens when a girl loves America’s pastime so much she insists that all of her dates be at sporting events? Lyricist Jack Norwood and composer Albert Von Tisler give us the answer in their acclaimed single “Take Me Out to the Ball Game” (now available on iTunes for $0.99). The song is a catchy and upbeat earworm that is sure to make its way into your head, if not onto the Billboard charts, pretty soon. Granted, the single is pretty short — barely two minutes long — but that’s no reason it can’t compete for airtime with the likes of Taylor Swift or Billie Eilish. Norwood and Von Tisler,…

What had previously been considered an un-losable skill, like riding a bike or swimming, has for the first time been proven to be losable. This past Monday, Ican Add became the first person in history to lose the ability to read. “The loss of the ability to read—what our team is tentatively  terming “disreadabula”, is an incident of extreme scientific interest, a phenomenon previously only theorized,” lead investigator Ben Maxwell said. Add’s disreadabula may only be the tip of the iceberg; in the time since the discovery of the illiteracy event, evidence of further illiteracy among other Math majors has also recently been found.    “We started working with Ican…

Willy Creech, founder and CEO of “COVID CASUAL,” a West Virginia-based startup, is causing panic in the fashion world as he continues to eat up market share for streetwear. We were lucky enough to sit down with Willy for an interview. Just last week, Creech noticed a huge problem in his hometown of Volga, West Virginia, a community of 53. “Only 8 people in allllllll of Volga were aware of the Coronavirus pandemic” he said, after wiping Jack Daniels off his mouth with his hand.  Communication with mainstream society is limited in Volga as less than 4% of the residents own cellular devices. Creech, being one of the lucky 2,…

Are you a person from the “square states” who wants to show off your newfound wealth without “losing touch with your roots”? Did you just win the lottery or inherit money from your rich uncle? Have you traded in the old double-wide for a nice new fancy house in “that gated community”? Do you now find yourself in need of a coat that says “look at how much money I have” for all of your new rich friends, while saying “I’m still down-home country town” for when you come home for Thanksgiving? Then, oh boy, are these coats for you! Made out of the ducks your cousins killed last winter…

UChicago students, rejoice! Our university-wide nightmare is over. For too long, we’ve been plagued by an administration that is clearly more concerned with their bottom line than with our academic and emotional well-being. But the recent change of leadership in the provost’s office will put this to an end. Ka Yee C. Lee, who was announced in February as the replacement for outgoing provost Daniel Diermaier, will fix everything that’s broken with the administration, guaranteed. I don’t really know what a provost does, but I do know that our new one will live up to the hype. From the very first words in her introductory email to the student body…