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University Indicts Itself in College Admissions Scandal, Insists It’s Desirable Enough For People to Pay to Get Into
In a bizarre admission of guilt, University of Chicago officials confirmed that they were also involved in the admissions scandals surrounding such schools as USC, Georgetown, and Yale in a campus-wide email on Monday. President of the University Robert ZimZam-Babam wrote, “It is with great regret that we join our prestigious colleagues in this disastrous, horrific scandal that has plagued the most elite universities in the world.” The President continued: “Students and parents are so determined to enjoy all the benefits of a UChicago education including our excellent undergraduate teaching, amazing weather and location, quality inexpensive food and housing, and healthy social and mental environment that they are willing to…
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Dean Boyer’s Cover Band to Play Seals and Crofts’ “Summer Breeze” on Endless Loop in the MAB Beer Garden
Ahead of announcing this year’s Summer Breeze lineup, MAB has revealed that Dean Boyer’s Seals and Crofts cover band will be headlining the beer garden, exclusively playing their hit “Summer Breeze” on repeat throughout the day. Boyer has learned how to play the guitar just for the occasion and is very excited to show off his new skills. According to Boyer’s assistants, the song has been stuck in his head for months and he has gradually transitioned to communicating solely by using lyrics from the piece, which reached No. 6 in the charts in 1972. Boyer’s office rightly believed that the only way to save face was to form a…
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Shady Classifieds: Cobb Cafe
Have you ever wanted to work at the most deeply unsettling coffee shop on campus? Are you not beautiful enough to dare step foot behind the bar at Harper? Have you always dreamed of being a bridge troll, confined to the dark damp subterranean world and asking riddles of those who cross your path? Perhaps Cobb Café is your place. Many students seeking employment on campus are confused as to how they can get a coveted coffee shop job. With your useless degree and overall unemployability, why not build skills for your future career as an assistant manager at a local Caribou Coffee? Here’s how to become a “barista” at…
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Admissions Allows Fraternities to Host for April Overnights
In response to rising acceptance rates, the Office of Admissions has had to search far and wide in search of new places to host prospective students. In a show of goodwill and philanthropy, the fraternities of UChicago have graciously opened their doors to the Maroons of the future, offering them a unique, vaunted perspective on student life at the University. A provisional class of prospies has been flown out to test the program and have been paired with hosts in AEPi, FIJI, and Sig Chi. The Dealer spoke with FIJI’s prospie rep, Chud Junkley IV, about how the fraternity’s prospies were adjusting to the frat house. “They’ve had an excellent…
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Survey Reveals Frats Suck Because They’re All Scorpios
A recent survey of University of Chicago Greek life has revealed that every single fraternity brother since 1920 was born under the astrological sign of Scorpio, and is therefore a totally irredeemable trash human being. So far, the University community has reacted with little surprise. “Anybody who’s willing to get peed on, so THEY can pee on somebody four years later? Yeah, that’s a Scorpio,” said Bert Talleyrand, a third-year student and pee expert. “I just wish they’d pee on me,” he said, beginning to cry. Campus astrology expert and first-year humanities major Bathilda Trelawney was also consulted on this matter. “Scorpios are typically secretive and distrustful,” Trelawney said, “which…
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FDA Recommends Dinosaur Egg Oatmeal for Daily Nostalgia Needs
Long recommended by the Food and Drug Administration (FDA) as a fuel for one’s morning and a buffer from coffee acidity, breakfast is a very important meal. However, according to new research, the recommended daily value of nostalgia for adults can be up to 60% less than necessary. Today, FDA spokesman Ainsley Krieger recommended eating dinosaur egg oatmeal regularly to help combat this gaping void. “Many breakfast cereals are just like Chocolate Frosted Sugar Bombs from Calvin & Hobbes, but real,” said Krieger. “Dinosaur egg oatmeal has the same amount of sugar, don’t get me wrong, but who doesn’t want to wake up by thinking about the old times? I…
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“We Need Communism” Says Econ Bro After Being Forced to Watch 3 Consecutive YouTube Ads
It was a dark Friday night, and Zakry Gaylord Beta, a second-year Economics major, had just returned home after a long, arduous day of solving Lagrangians. Naturally, he was tired, so he did what any tired college student would do: he hung up his Canada Goose and fired up his laptop to watch funny videos on YouTube. However, when he clicked on Fail Army One Hour Fail Compilation, he saw not bicycle fails and drunk brawls, but rather a message from Geico to save $100, a tip on how to find work on Fiverr, AND a plea from Apple to buy the newest iPhone. This experience of big business shoving…
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Op-Ed: That’s Right, I’m Passionate About Finance
Hey! Thanks for agreeing to get coffee. I know you’re busy, but I’ve got 20 meetings today and a p-set due tomorrow after my 4 interviews, so I could only just squeeze you in today. Thanks again. (I stand up and shake your hand.) (You try to end the handshake but I prolong it a few more seconds.) Ha-ha! That’s the stuff, a good firm grip will take you anywhere, y’know. Anyway, I wanted to let you know that I, an economics major, am passionate about finance. I know! Wild, huh? Me, a 21-year white guy wearing a ghastly salmon shirt I paid too much for, passionate about finance? Bet…
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Some of Y’all Were Never Told You Were Gifted as a Child and It Really Shows
I see you. You’re the one walking across the Quad without a glazed look in your eyes. I see you with your hand not raised in HUM discussion because you recognize that perhaps your comments aren’t all genius and that other people can contribute. I see you going to bed without crying yourself to sleep. There’s something I want you to know. I hate you. When I was in middle school, I was showered with compliments. “Sam, you’re so smart!” “Sam, you’re the best!” “Sam, you can do anything!” And those lies made me who I am today: an emotionally unstable underachieving piece of shit. And that’s ok. But you.…
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Guide Laughs Nervously as Sick, Decrepit Fourth Year Passes Campus Tour Group
One campus tour was turned upside-down yesterday after Scott Madden, a second-year tour guide, passed through Hull Gate and moved his group of bright-eyed high school seniors in front of the Reg. All was well as he chattered about collaborative learning and the A-level–that was, until it appeared. Madden watched in horror as a pale apparition emerged from the Reg, coughing and muttering about his thesis. “Oh geez, and to think I was gonna make the ‘where fun goes to thrive’ joke,” Madden commented. “I don’t think that any tour guide could come back from that one.” The zealous parents faces distorted as fourth year Walt Wiseman pulled a pack of Marlboro menthols from…
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