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How to Find True Love by Mansplaining Pool in Hallowed Grounds
Casually slip in the fact that you’re in Physics 12100 and begin to explain (in your sultriest voice possible) all about “ball collision theory,” “the sweet spot,” and “relative slipping analysis.” So sexy.
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Ethics Professor Requires Own Textbook for His Class
Professor Hartwell went on to specifically stress that no one should engage in unethical acts online, especially the piracy of copyrighted textbooks.
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Attention Professors: Best Gen Z Words to Add to Your Lectures
Your least favorite student just got something wrong on a problem set? Guess they just got “ratioed.”
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RSOs Announce New Early Decision Plans
"Early applications are one way to show commitment to an RSO, most likely mine, and boost applicants' chances–presuming you had a chance anyway.”
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Uh Oh! Frat Guy You Just Met Knows a Little Too Much About Title IX
“William is a pretty quiet guy, except when our Self class starts talking about gender inequality. He sure has a lot of thoughts about gender inequality.” When pressed for details, second-year classmate Elizabeth…
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Review: UChicago Student Bookstore’s New Chastity Belt
Consumers should be aware that they are not suitable for those with plastic allergies, leaving rashes in awkward areas.
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To Prevent Theft of Silverware, Dining Halls Implement Body Cavity Search
President Alivisatos announced at a press conference, ''We implemented this policy to protect our utensils. As a side benefit, we’re saving so much money on replacing lost silverware. Now, my giant mound of…
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Op-Ed: Sharknado Was the Last Great Literary Achievement
This may sound like a baseless claim, but the numbers back it up. Literally everybody we surveyed (which was a lot of people, by the way) said they’d rather watch all of the…
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Rockefeller Chapel Bells Now Exclusively Play for When BeReal Notification Is Sent
In a recent statement, Dean of Students Michelle Rassmussen wrote, “I’m sick and tired of students posting their BeReals hours after when the notification was sent out. Students are disobeying the purpose of…
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Mansueto Finally Hatches
Already, some students are petitioning for “Babysueto” (as they’re calling it) to become the school’s new mascot. Administrators argue that Babysueto’s limbs are too complicated to fit on the academic crest, but this…
