So first they roast a turkey, right, and then sometimes they put other birds inside the turkey and roast those too, and they call it a turduckoose or a turchicken or something. And then they get in line with all their cousins from Arkansas and wait to cut pieces out of this wobbly cranberry jello from a can, and then they cover the turkey with the jello and eat it all together. Also, you’re not supposed to season the turkey when you roast it because then the seasoning will overpower the taste of the jello.  The goal is to make the turkey as dry as possible so that the jello…

  Aries (3/21 – 4/19) Consider that due to that projection of  planet you always think is a star on to the star that you always think is the northern star but actually is not, as the angle of a perception is just slightly too small to be considered far too big. But as long as your follow these instructions you will be okay. Taurus (4/20 – 5/20) Typical Taurus you’re going to experience some taurus shit this week.  Gemini (5/21 – 6/20) Congratulations! According to the weather report, if you’re a Gemini, you’re about to get a brand-new twin! The electricity in the air will cause all of your…

Students interested in joining the UChicago chapter of Phi Delta Gamma, colloquially known as FIJI, were surprised to find John Boyer, Dean of Students for the College, sitting on a sofa in the fraternity’s house during a pledge event last Friday. Dane Phrumph, a first year from Sugarbarn, WI, reportedly recognized Boyer from a number of memes, and asked his pledge leader, fourth-year Chud Junkley IV, what the Dean was doing there. Junkley seemed confused, simply answering “Well, why wouldn’t he be here?” As the night went on and the pledges got to know the fraternity better, several pledges inquired about Boyer’s presence at the event, and none of them…

UCPD officers heroically drove around the block yesterday, according to multiple eyewitness statements. One witness praised when asked for comment: “Yeah, they just make me feel safe. I honestly don’t know what I would do without them. I had to walk from Max P to the Reynolds Club at 11:30 in the morning by myself yesterday, and I was pretty nervous, but I was put at ease by the six UCPD cruisers I saw on my way over. I’m just so thankful for everything they do!” This is not the first time that UCPD has driven around the block. Many students have reported increased sightings in the past few weeks,…

To our dozens of readers, both old and new, Welcome, we’re glad to have you. Ernest Hemingway once said “There is nothing to writing. All you do is sit down at a typewriter and bleed,” and oh how heavy our flow has been Mr. Hemingway. So pass us a tampon and call us Bloody Mary, because we’ve got some quality writing inside these here pages. We realize that there are lots of places on campus you could have chosen to get a much needed dopamine hit after a long day, and we’re glad that we, your ever-loyal Dealer, still have your business.  Speaking of business, a new school year is…

First years, welcome to UChicago! We can’t wait to have you and hope that the next four to six years of your life will be as enlightening and exciting as ours have been. Before you get ahead of ourselves, we wanted to take a moment to recognize how far you guys have come since your acceptance. To that end, we’re going to where it all started: awkward Facebook intros. Luckily, one of you was kind enough to volunteer your intro to us, so read on and get to know one of your fellow classmates!  “Hey guys what up, my name is Sauron and I’m so excited to be joining the…

It’s 2019 and Ash has finally became the champion of the Pokémon League, but the University of Chicago has once again been denied the coveted title of the #1 ranking among U.S. universities. We, the crack-fueled investigative staff here at The Shady Dealer, have set out to determine why UChicago could not be the very best, like no one ever was. Here are our findings. Some people interviewed by Shady Dealer staff cited outlandish reasons for UChicago’s loss, chief among them the frantic desire to increase selectivity and a system that fails to adequately staff counseling services despite placing students under a huge amount of mental and emotional pressure. However,…