The NFL spent an exorbitant amount of time and money to hold in-person activities and games in the months leading up to the season, culminating in the super bowl. If something as meaningless as football can do it, why can't UChicago?

"I just don't see the point of swimming back and forth alone in individual lanes in a way that in no way affects the performance of others also swimming alone in individual lanes which happen to be beside us, unless those others are there in those lanes, which happen to be beside us. I mean, what are we supposed to do -- just time ourselves and then compare results? What would the point of that be?"

The admissions department tried to tell me that even nerds like me could get laid at UChicago. As far as I’m concerned, that’s a legally enforceable contract. The University owes me a girlfriend, preferably a cute one, or I’ll sue for false advertising. My dad’s a lawyer — he’d do it.

Surprise, surprise — elderly folks have been doing elderly things during the pandemic, a new study from the University of Chicago’s National Opinion Research Center (NORC) finds. The study, which was conducted via faxed written questionnaires during December 2020, was released Tuesday.

“D-I players are so tall that it’s hard to see over them and find the D-III players,” said NCAA President Mark Emmert. “Take basketball, for example. Your average D-I center is 6’8” or taller. I’d have loved to be able to accommodate the D-III people in the back, but we just couldn’t find them.”

College graduation is one of life’s last clean transitions, a final passage from adolescence to adulthood that is predictable in ways other transitions rarely are. College is one of the only things in life that ends with a fresh start. Except when it doesn’t, because there’s a pandemic so your graduation is online and also you lost the link to join on Zoom, and more than that, you’re in the bedroom where you masturbated for the first time.

CPS has released a daring plan to resume in-person instruction after nearly a year of online learning. The key element? Hourly COVID testing.

It was a cold morning, I remember thinking that it had probably rained last night. I’m pretty good at telling when it’s recently rained. I’m actually just pretty good at meteorology stuff in general. Anyway, Rockefeller Chapel (or, simply Rockefeller to us within the Guild) stood stoic and tall.

“It’s actually been really nice,” said third-year Fig Newton, currently located in Singapore. “Because all of my classes are from 1 a.m. to 4 a.m. my time, I barely see my family. I’ve also been able to befriend a bunch of bats who live in the tree outside my house."

“Because of COVID,” Orst said, “elevators have been at limited capacity. I’ve had to take the stairs to move my liquids from Floor 4 to Floor 5. Do you know how long it takes to just get to the stairs?”