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Joe Biden May Have Won the 2020 Election, but I’m Still Addicted to Porn
I know that we can all rest our hopes in Kamala and Joe. But, I also know I still struggle with pornography addiction.
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The Top 4 Chicago Thinkers: Number 3 Will Shock You!
The Chicago Thinker thinks their writers do the best thinking out of anyone. Today we pay homage to The Chicago Thinker and its team of Thinkers™, by honouring some of their influences -- the greatest Chicago thinkers to ever have existed.
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Sorority Girl Accidentally Summons Satan During COB Event
Gracie, a prospective classics major, had accidentally gotten her copy of Dante’s “Divine Comedy” mixed up with the 666-page New Member Education booklet distributed to the girls the week before.
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Op-Ed: Does Anyone Have Any Tips or Tricks?
Hey guys, just wondering if anyone had a tip or trick I could use. Could be both (a tip and trick), but certainly not neither. I read the other day that you can use shaving foam to clean up spaghetti stains, that was a neat one. Maybe one of you knows how to use a quarter as a lighter or how to use a blade of grass to open a bottle?
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Phil the Phoenix Eats Child
In an unwelcome addition to an already stressful week of exams and papers, beloved UChicago mascot Phil the Phoenix is reported to have recently eaten a child.
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In Election Day Twist, Texas Turns Blue
November 3rd, 2020 has been a historic day for many reasons, not least because of a historic break with conventional election wisdom. For the first time since 1976, Texas has voted blue. A Pew Research Poll conducted this week found that 52% of Texans now consider “Cool Blue” their favorite Gatorade flavor, up from only 43% in 2016. This represents a dramatic shift from previous elections, in which the clear favorite has generally been “Fruit Punch.”
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In Bid for Respectability, Theta Becomes Cult
Following years of racism and discrimination, this UChicago sorority is shaking things up. In their most recent grab for respectability, Kappa Alpha Theta has decided on a bold new direction for their sisterhood: worship to the Great God Cthuhlu.
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Top 10 Things Economists Think the Economy Is
Recent reports have found that most economists believe that the economy will recover quite strongly following the world-ending novel coronavirus. While this sounds like good news, it should also be mentioned that these same economists do not believe that wages or employment rates will recover, which really makes you wonder what economists think the economy is.
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Have You Voted Yet, You Fucking Bastards?
You miscreants, you fucking econ majors -- you haven’t fucking voted yet have you. I bet you dick breathed, ass brained nut-rags haven’t even looked up your polling places. You disgust me.
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CANDIDATE Wins Presidency
The Dealer decision desk has a projection to make: NAME was elected ORDINAL NUMBER President of the United States last night, winning NUMBER electoral votes, compared to NUMBER votes for NAME.
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