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Divinity School Discovers New, ‘12% Holier’ God
Pope Francis declared the paper a work of heresy, and a Vatican spokesperson estimated the true figure at a mere 4% additional holiness.
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Local Dog Arrested for Practicing as Therapy Dog without License
“Any therapeutic benefits derived from scratching his fluffy ears, rubbing his adorable tummy, or kissing his little brown nose are wholly and entirely coincidental.”
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Missing: Half an Assistant
Last seen being sawed in half by one Harry Houdini, before announcing he would “make it disappear” to an enthralled audience.
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Op-Ed: What if We Hide in the Trees Instead of Marching in a Huge Formation?
We’re the ones defending our territory, so we know the place and everything. What if we hid everywhere and waited for them to come to us?
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Grunk Invent Weapon, Nation Frighten
“I important think to enforce natural monopoly.” Grunk threaten reporter. “Give berries or Grunk hit weapon.”
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Romanian Government Ranks Safest Campus Bathrooms
Normally known for announcing the official news of their country, this surprise list has been widely distributed throughout Hyde Park.
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Man Founds City of Pompeii in Scenic Location
“We pray that Vulcan will nourish our crops with the ash and keep us safe from any pumice-related troubles.”
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Op-Ed: This New Duke Will Fix Everything
Do you just refuse to believe that Duke Ernest August I, who interviewed and selected Duke Ernest August II, would choose someone who wanted to fix the underlying issues they’ve overlooked (and caused) for…
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Nothing Happens in Tiananmen Square
This year was a big year for nothing happening. Notably, nothing happened in Germany either, where the Berlin Wall is still standing strong.
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As Y1K Looms, Mathematicians Raise Concern About Abacus Malfunctions
As many as two goods or services are being exchanged at any given moment, taking up a majority of the abacus beads not being used to count the date.
