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“Narcolepsy Cookies” Opens on 55th Street to Generally Terrible Reviews
Krispy Kreme’s wildly popular Insomnia Cookies, a staple of college campuses nationwide, received word Saturday that a new sheriff was in town. Or maybe not. Sometimes, at least. He tends to sleep in.
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Administration Partners with Laundry Machines to Steal Socks from Students
Attention: if you or a loved one lives in University Housing and couldn’t find two matching socks this morning, then this message might concern you. Housing Staff were recently busted for installing laundry machines specifically designed to trap socks inside their capsules and retain them when the rest of the load is removed.
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UChicago Student Running From College Council
While the beginning of Spring Quarter has marked numerous announcements of ambitious students running for College Council, one student has decided to rival this long-standing tradition by running from College Council. Simon Jorgensen, a second year in The College, has been sprinting across the campus for over a week in hopes of avoiding the election entirely.
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Holsman and Lynch Sumer Finance Internship (Paid) – posted 2 days ago
Have you always wanted to do something charitable to benefit society? Have you dreamed of entering the nonprofit sector to use your skills for good? Me fucking neither. This is finance, BABY!
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UChicago Grad Now Boss of his Former High School Bully
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Inaugural Spring Break Activities to Attract Record Numbers
Administration initially expressed concern over students leaving campus during the week of March 22 (recently coined “Spring Break”). “To keep students here, we may have to restrict access to the Maroon to devices on campus,” announced the Chairman of the Board. “That should do it,” the board agreed.
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UChicago Ad “At the Forefront” of Carlos Rodón’s No-Hitter
Rodón’s no-hitter, and the sign along with it, served as a beacon of hope during a difficult time for the University. “We hope that Carlos’ dynamic, lockdown performance provides a great example for the University community while our stay-at-home order is still in place,” Michele Rasmussen, Dean of Students in the University, said. “Like the Cleveland hitters did on Wednesday, students should not leave home for any reason.”
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On His Last Night, Prince Phillip Spotted Playing Pong, Hitting It Off with the Bros at AEPI
Anonymous tipsters claim that Prince Phillip, Duke of Edinburgh, was seen at AEPI, a University of Chicago fraternity, during his last night on Earth. He is survived by a crumbling homeland Greek economy, good friend Lil Nas X, and his beloved cousin, Queen Elizabeth II.
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I’m an Alpha Delt Pledge and You’re a Loser
I’ve spent my life until this point looking for people as cool as me. I was the coolest kid in high school, even if no one else thought so. I had my lunch table all to myself. I even started on the football team until a better water-boy took my spot.
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Michele Rasmussen Declares That Frat Parties Are “Not Poggers” in Attempt to Connect with Youth
Michele Rasmussen, in a strange yet brave attempt to quell the spread of COVID-19, released a statement today declaring that frat parties were indeed “not poggers.”
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Frats Release Statement: “Hey Look, A Cool Bird!”
In the wake of the University’s announcement that campus would be entering a second lockdown of the quarter, a group of UChicago fraternities released a statement.
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