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Citizen App Provides Notice About Hyde Park Crimes: Dog Poop on Sidewalk, Premarital Handholding
Throughout the day, Hyde Park residents were notified of further incidents such as “group of preteens in park,” “car playing rap music,” and “student 3 minutes late to return charger to Regenstein Tech…
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Harper Releases New Specialty Drinks
#2 - Indie Street Cred: a pressed vinyl copy of MJ Lenderman’s Manning Fireworks ground up and blended into a cappuccino. Choke it down like the cool guy you are.
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New Printing Software Tells You Exactly How Many Trees You Killed, You Fascist
The Dealer interviewed the new printing software, PaperCut MF (PaperCut, MotherFucker). “That SOSC assignment? The one that’s only a few pages? BAM! That’s 0.0003% of a REAL TREE, you MONSTER!”
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Update: President Trump Places 35% Tariff on Water; Aquaman Responds
Economists were befuddled, given that there is no known trade between Atlantis and the United States. In fact, the U.S. is still unsure exactly where Atlantis is.
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Oops! Your Participation Grade Is Actually 99%, and You’ve Barely Gone to Class! 5 Tips to Gaslight Your Instructor
The soon-to-be defunded research and development team of the Shady Dealer is here with some helpful advice to save your grade! Please use these tips responsibly and under no circumstances tell anyone where…
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Utah Replaces All Water Supply With Electrolytes, ‘Cause That’s What Plants Crave
“I, brought to you by Carl’s Jr., am happy to announce that our great state’s water supply is no more!" Governor Cox announced.
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[Redacted] is the Best Fucking Frat at UChicago, in a Tolstoyan Sense
If you ask me, if we were characters in Leo Tolstoy’s 1878 classic novel Anna Karenina, all of those guys in the other frats would 100% be Alexei Vronsky.
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Non-political Maroon Article Gets View
“We are asking around to make sure the click didn’t come from one of our staff, and so far, it hasn’t.”
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OpenAI Unveils New Model of ChatGPT Capable of Developing Anxiety Disorders
According to OpenAI, the updated ChatGPT will be able to ruminate obsessively about its shortcomings in a completely spontaneous manner, without any input from a human programmer.
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Jason Momoa Rocks the Minecraft Movie, Brings in 2000% More Hot Moms than Predicted
The Minecraft movie, originally predicted to cater to 6-to-12-year-olds with an unhealthy obsession for pixelated dirt, has become a cultural phenomenon among 30-to-45-year-old women who "just thought it looked like something the kids…
