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IOP Announces New Fellow, Former Governor Andrew Cuomo
The Institute of Politics at the University of Chicago has announced that former governor of New York Andrew Cuomo will join the Institute as a fellow for the 2021-22 academic year. In an official statement from the University, Cuomo was said to have accepted the offer immediately — one second after asking the caller what the IOP was. Seen as a real catch by many IOP staffers, Cuomo is one of many high profile politicians to enter the fellowship, joining the ranks of Steve Bannon, Mikhail Gorbachev, and a George Bush Sr. impersonator who is rumored to be in contract negotiations. The IOP has seen a dip in campus popularity…
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Heartbreaking: Child in Mongolia Doesn’t Know Who Nestor Is
The University of Chicago community was shocked Monday after reports surfaced that a six-year-old child from a village in northern Mongolia is unaware of the existence of Nestor the Midway Cat. Nestor the Midway Cat is a current resident of the Netherlands and beloved University mascot.
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Yay for the Youth! CDC Finds New COVID Vaccine Side Effect To Be “Just Like Getting High on LSD”
The Center for Disease Control (CDC) released a statement last night stating that in addition to the flu-like symptoms, COVID vaccines can also lead to feelings of complete ecstasy and otherworldliness.
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Pluto Becomes Planet Again after Quarantine Weight Gain
After a long stint of exclusion from planetary classification, Pluto has finally put on enough weight to qualify as a planet. Its weight gain results largely from a breakdown of daily habits and a sweet tooth in quarantine.
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Mad-Libs: Write a Thinker Article!
On campus, I was “cancelled” by my so-called “tolerant” peers for [VERB ENDING IN -ING] a(n) [SINGULAR NOUN] at Cathey Dining Commons. Under the Reagan administration, such a display would have been welcomed, if not revered.
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Coronavirus isn’t a big deal, it’ll be gone by Easter, I’ll be right eventually, it is what it is; Trump Contracts Coronavirus
Administration Partners with Laundry Machines to Steal Socks from Students
Data Driven Analysis of the Most Likely Wars Dean Boyer Will Liken to Getting into the University of Chicago at Convocation
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New Admissions Essay Prompts To Produce the Worst Roommates You’ll Ever Have
“We were a little disappointed with last year’s haul,” admitted Jim Nondorf, Dean of Admissions. “This time, I know we’ve got it right. These prompts are specially designed to find the people who will ruin your everyday life,” he announced in an email to the student body.
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In Protest of Care Not Cops Strike, UCPD to Go on Strike
By refusing to do their jobs, UCPD hopes to get CNC to stop demanding that they not do their jobs. “It’s foolproof,” Car Searle State, the current Chief of the UCPD, said in a statement to the Dealer.
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The Shady Dealer Interviews the Thrive Slate
Two weeks after the Student Government election, we sat down with Parul Kumar and Natalie Wang of the Thrive slate to determine if they were worthy of our endorsement.
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Ranking All the Friends I Made During Autumn Quarter
To Combat Talks of a Meatless Future, Undergrads Create Culinary Magazine The Chicago Carnivore, Promise to Uphold Chicago Principles of Slaughtering Cattle by the Millions
UChicago to Establish New Pritzker School of Molecular Engineering to Develop Condom that Will Fit on Your Dick
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Oscars Nominate Viewers Like You for Best Actor
Many have lauded your ability to persevere through our host’s lousy jokes and fake interest in the boring shit as you patiently await the actually relevant parts of the ceremony (you know, the actual awards). Many have also highlighted the raw passion of your angry outbursts whenever your top pick gets snubbed, bringing forth so much intensity that you've stirred up the emotions of even your most cynical critics.
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To Combat Talks of a Meatless Future, Undergrads Create Culinary Magazine The Chicago Carnivore, Promise to Uphold Chicago Principles of Slaughtering Cattle by the Millions
Everyone on campus has been talking about the future of meat in our food - Burger King’s Impossible Whopper is now a mainstay item on their menu, Taco Bell serves a Beyond Sausage Breakfast Sandwich, and McDonald’s recently announced it will be offering a McPlant Burger at select locations in the near future.Some students feel that all this talk has been drowning out the voices of meat eaters on campus. In an effort to prop up these marginalized consumers, a group of first and second years have taken the initiative to found a new culinary magazine, The Chicago Carnivore, that is being published online with a monthly print version additionally mailed…
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