Are you a person from the “square states” who wants to show off your newfound wealth without “losing touch with your roots”? Did you just win the lottery or inherit money from your rich uncle? Have you traded in the old double-wide for a nice new fancy house in “that gated community”? Do you now find yourself in need of a coat that says “look at how much money I have” for all of your new rich friends, while saying “I’m still down-home country town” for when you come home for Thanksgiving? Then, oh boy, are these coats for you! Made out of the ducks your cousins killed last winter…

UChicago students, rejoice! Our university-wide nightmare is over. For too long, we’ve been plagued by an administration that is clearly more concerned with their bottom line than with our academic and emotional well-being. But the recent change of leadership in the provost’s office will put this to an end. Ka Yee C. Lee, who was announced in February as the replacement for outgoing provost Daniel Diermaier, will fix everything that’s broken with the administration, guaranteed. I don’t really know what a provost does, but I do know that our new one will live up to the hype. From the very first words in her introductory email to the student body…

Another $300 million down the drain, and the big question that remains is this: whose idea it was to care for a dying phoenix in a bustling hospital? (It’s almost as if nobody watched Harry Potter or took a class on mythical beasts.)   UChicago Medicine nursing staff had hoped that Phil would make a full recovery after his illness earlier this year. He even attended some of the sports games in the spring, determined to raise school spirit. However, this was not to be the case. When Phil chose to drink like a first year one fateful bar night, he was taken into the hospital for alcohol poisoning and…

Following the tragic cancellation of  Pet Love for the second quarter in a row, the Hyde Park community pulled through to make their own crowdsourced Pet Love. Tens of Hyde Park residents brought their furry friends to the quad to help students de-stress. Due to the overwhelming success and support of the event, the organizers opted to take on another project: crowdsourcing student counseling services. Local organizer Martha Mason wrote in an email to the Dealer that “There have not been adequate student counseling for 5670 consecutive quarters, so naturally we wanted to help. With the long wait times, and lack of support offered by existing SCS, we knew our…

Mark Zuckerberg is just like us! After years of speculation, we finally have substantive proof that he is not a robot sent from Mars to kill us all. He is, in fact, human: he too is completely fed up with seeing Michael Bloomberg all over his Facebook feed. Unlike the hilarious memability that is Bernie’s ads or the tangible desperateness in Elizabeth Warren’s ads, Bloomberg has tight, well formatted advertisements which makes them annoying and no fun. Like a Progressive commercial without Flo or a Pepsi commercial without Cardi B, Bloomberg ads are just not enjoyable to watch. I know that I for one have seen them too many times,…

Point:  Solving the mystery of what happened to the missing sock in the laundry  Counterpoint: Watching Sherlock for the 4thtime   Point: Supporting local businesses and restaurants  Counterpoint: Being too lazy to cook for myself   Point: Practicing social distancing  Counterpoint: It’s raining outside and too gross)   Point: Reading a book  Counterpoint: Reading the subtitles of the news)   Point: Texting friends to keep in touch  Counterpoint: Easier than actually talking to people   Point: Wearing gloves to stop the spread of Covid-19  Counterpoint: It’s still somehow cold in April, and did I mention that it’s raining?    Point:  Calling it Covid-19 to sound fancy and thinking that it…

Its been a long and fruitful winter for one local man who now as all he needs for these upcoming months. Each day Rolley drives around and when he spots his special blue/purple rocks strewn about streets and sidewalks, he steps out and collects them. For the upcoming spring, he now has more salt than ever before, greedily filling each and every closet in his apartment. His “special spice” brings a special bite to his cooking that his friends describe as “unmistakable” and “definitely something else”. Before I left his home, I was provided with a special omelet to try it for myself. The light purple tint made it all…