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Masthead

Editors in Chief

Kelly Lo

R.E Stern

Managing Editor

Kate Kaplin

Deputy Managing Editor

Andre Dang

Layout Editor

Abby Beckler

Copy Editors

Jacob Halabe

Maisie Thompson

Merrin Seegers

Photo Editor

Emilio Rosas Linhard

Disclaimer

Did we hurt your feelings, or say something that “rings untrue” in your soft ears? Well you’re paying too much attention to what we said, and not enough attention to what we meant. God is God, the river is swift, and we don’t give a fuck.

Any complaints can be emailed to [email protected]

Favorites, Politics

Sosc Class Definitively Solves Israel-Palestine Conflict

At a press conference following this monumental discussion section, leaders of Israel and Palestine were observed slapping their foreheads and continuously muttering, “Why didn’t we think of that?”

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December 9, 2022
Campus Life, Favorites

Kid Makes Anaphylactic Shock All About Himself

Joseph Silverstein, a member of Johnson’s house, said, “Yeah, so while John went to the bathroom, I swapped his muffin with one that had peanuts, and, gosh, after hearing that…

read more
January 5, 2023
Campus Life, Favorites

Math Department Discovers New Highest Number

A team of mathematicians at the University of Chicago have discovered a new highest number, a new paper reveals. That number, 87382, is nearly 2 higher than the previous highest…

read more
November 16, 2020
Campus Life, Favorites

University Introduces New Way to Get Downtown: “Walk, Motherfuckers”

This option has been poorly received by undergraduates, as several would-be ‘motherfuckers’ told the Dealer.

read more
December 6, 2022
Chicago Shady Dealer, Favorites

OI Renamed “Indiana H. Jones Institute of Academic Grave-Robbing”

In an effort to promote diversity, the Institute will showcase numerous artifacts looted and pillaged from cultures around the world.

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November 30, 2022
  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    “Adderall Bear” Attacks Class, Destroys Curve

    Justin Banks / March 19, 2023

    When asked how harmful the dose was, Argonne Laboratory head physicist commented that it was “roughly enough speed to stretch from San Francisco to New York City.”

    read more
  • Campus Life

    Professor Allen Sanderson Makes Inspiring Debut at UChiCon

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 18, 2023

    Sanderson also shocked attendees by taking home the grand prize of the Cosplay competition.

    read more
  • Campus Life

    “Perspective for Difficult Times”: An Oral History of UChicago’s Most Infamous Administrative Email

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 17, 2023

    Three years ago today, admin sent an email entitled “Perspective for Difficult Times” into the university community’s inbox. Granted unprecedented access, we spoke to the people involved in creating the infamous email on…

    read more
  • Sex and Love

    Self-Proclaimed World’s Tallest Man Just Matched with You on Tinder

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2023

    Disappointed friends reported Monday that you’ve probably hit the high point of your Tinder career and it’s all downhill from here.

    read more
  • Campus Life

    Reg to Introduce Death Penalty for Overdue Books

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 15, 2023

    Effective immediately, students found to have one or more books overdue from the library will be shot on sight by a “state of the art automated weaponry system” installed at the building’s front…

    read more
  • Sex and Love

    Area Parents Contemplating Eighth Divorce

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 14, 2023

    The pending divorce proceedings are reportedly being handled by Looke, Hughes, Bach, and Egen, a Chicago-based law firm specializing in ‘high-numbered’ divorces.

    read more
  • Campus Life

    Nuclear Reactor Found in Rafters of Harper Memorial Library

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 13, 2023

    Students studying for their midterms did not look up when warned “there’s a nuclear reactor,” only speaking up to respond that Harper Memorial Library is a no-talking zone, and would you please kindly…

    read more
  • World Affairs

    UChicago Startup Awarded Polsky Prize for ‘Best Middle-East Weapons Deal’

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 12, 2023

    “They buy anything over there — ship shells, tank shells, gun shells, crab shells. We sell it all. Mostly we sell bullet shells, though.”

    read more
  • Scientific Excellence

    UChicago Researchers Invent Quantum Blockchain NFT A.I. Natural Language Processing

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 11, 2023

    Dealer reporters found the project leads furiously consulting a thesaurus for more words to describe their ‘indescribably advanced’ breakthrough. At press time, the researchers had added “machine learning”, “crypto”, and “gigahertz” to their…

    read more
  • Arts & Culture

    Grammy Award Given to My Beautiful Grandma

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 10, 2023

    “I thought they gave these awards to musicians or Presidents that record audiobooks,” said my clearly stunned grandmommy.

    read more
 Older Posts
Newer Posts 

Read It and Weep

  • Wow! First-Year in SOSC Sure Knows a Lot about Hunter Biden’s Laptop
  • University to Open “Dumb Museum” in Interest of Hearing Both Sides
  • Econ Department Scraps Plans to Include ‘Compassion’ Requirement in Business Track
  • Landmark Study Finds You Responsible for 80% of Global Carbon Emissions
  • Obama to Appear in Kent 107 for Guest Organic Chemistry Lecture
  • Third-Year Admitted to Prestigious No-Fly List
  • Candace Owens Spotted Outside Reg Begging for Male Validation
  • UChicago Reluctantly Agrees to Stop Holding Arson Classes
  • “How Much Worse Could It Get?” Baker and Cathey Dining Commons to Close
  • Area Sim Starts Fire by Making Salad

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