A recent survey of University of Chicago Greek life has revealed that every single fraternity brother since 1920 was born under the astrological sign of Scorpio, and is therefore a totally irredeemable trash human being. So far, the University community has reacted with little surprise. “Anybody who’s willing to get peed on, so THEY can pee on somebody four years later? Yeah, that’s a Scorpio,” said Bert Talleyrand, a third-year student and pee expert. “I just wish they’d pee on me,” he said, beginning to cry. Campus astrology expert and first-year humanities major Bathilda Trelawney was also consulted on this matter. “Scorpios are typically secretive and distrustful,” Trelawney said, “which…

It was a dark Friday night, and Zakry Gaylord Beta, a second-year Economics major, had just returned home after a long, arduous day of solving Lagrangians. Naturally, he was tired, so he did what any tired college student would do: he hung up his Canada Goose and fired up his laptop to watch funny videos on YouTube. However, when he clicked on Fail Army One Hour Fail Compilation, he saw not bicycle fails and drunk brawls, but rather a message from Geico to save $100, a tip on how to find work on Fiverr, AND a plea from Apple to buy the newest iPhone. This experience of big business shoving…

Hey! Thanks for agreeing to get coffee. I know you’re busy, but I’ve got 20 meetings today and a p-set due tomorrow after my 4 interviews, so I could only just squeeze you in today. Thanks again. (I stand up and shake your hand.) (You try to end the handshake but I prolong it a few more seconds.) Ha-ha! That’s the stuff, a good firm grip will take you anywhere, y’know. Anyway, I wanted to let you know that I, an economics major, am passionate about finance. I know! Wild, huh? Me, a 21-year white guy wearing a ghastly salmon shirt I paid too much for, passionate about finance? Bet…

I see you. You’re the one walking across the Quad without a glazed look in your eyes. I see you with your hand not raised in HUM discussion because you recognize that perhaps your comments aren’t all genius and that other people can contribute. I see you going to bed without crying yourself to sleep. There’s something I want you to know. I hate you. When I was in middle school, I was showered with compliments. “Sam, you’re so smart!” “Sam, you’re the best!” “Sam, you can do anything!” And those lies made me who I am today: an emotionally unstable underachieving piece of shit. And that’s ok. But you.…

One campus tour was turned upside-down yesterday after Scott Madden, a second-year tour guide, passed through Hull Gate and moved his group of bright-eyed high school seniors in front of the Reg. All was well as he chattered about collaborative learning and the A-level–that was, until it appeared. Madden watched in horror as a pale apparition emerged from the Reg, coughing and muttering about his thesis. “Oh geez, and to think I was gonna make the ‘where fun goes to thrive’ joke,” Madden commented. “I don’t think that any tour guide could come back from that one.” The zealous parents faces distorted as fourth year Walt Wiseman pulled a pack of Marlboro menthols from…