Chicago Shady Dealer

Hallowed Grounds Shift Composed of 2 People to Stand There and 1 Person to Work

GROUNDS, HALLOWED—The campus cafe is facing controversy over its alleged misuse of funds. A scathing report from the Maroon recently revealed that 66% of Hallowed Grounds’ finances are dedicated to people that “don’t do much.” The report, written by six news editors at the Maroon (who all happen to be baristas at Ex Libris) found that Hallowed Grounds has a bloated staff and is long overdue for cuts. 

The Dealer has undertaken a separate, independent investigation into the possible mismanagement. Anonymous testimony informed The Dealer that it took forty-five minutes to order and receive their iced vanilla latte, even though it was 2 PM and there were supposedly three people on shift. Another Hallowed Grounds customer did not receive their order at all, and spent 2 hours listening to Daft Punk’s Discovery on loop

When pressed about why it took so long, a Hallowed spokesperson stressed the important pool game two members of the team were engaged in, leaving only one employee to stand behind the counter and aggressively flirt with a girl in his SOSC. The employee explained, “I didn’t even know that the metal thing made coffee. I just stand around and ghost women on Hinge.”