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Masthead

Editors in Chief

Griffin Bonnin Jones, Andrea Zhou

Managing Editor

Katherine Reynolds

Deputy Managing Editor

Vivian Psylos

Layout Editor

Justin Bilenker

Photo Editor

Zayna Cheema

Copy Editors

Nik Ochoa, Chase Teichholz

Disclaimer

Did we hurt your feelings, or say something that “rings untrue” in your soft ears? Well you’re paying too much attention to what we said, and not enough attention to what we meant. God is God, the river is swift, and we don’t give a fuck.

Any complaints can be emailed to [email protected].

Campus Life, Favorites

Math Department Discovers New Highest Number

A team of mathematicians at the University of Chicago have discovered a new highest number, a new paper reveals. That number, 87382, is nearly 2 higher than the previous highest…

read more
November 16, 2020
Campus Life, Favorites

Kid Makes Anaphylactic Shock All About Himself

Joseph Silverstein, a member of Johnson’s house, said, “Yeah, so while John went to the bathroom, I swapped his muffin with one that had peanuts, and, gosh, after hearing that…

read more
January 5, 2023
Chicago Shady Dealer, Favorites

UChicago Student Running From College Council

While the beginning of Spring Quarter has marked numerous announcements of ambitious students running for College Council, one student has decided to rival this long-standing tradition by running from College Council. Simon Jorgensen, a second year…

read more
April 19, 2021
Campus Life, Favorites

University Introduces New Way to Get Downtown: “Walk, Motherfuckers”

This option has been poorly received by undergraduates, as several would-be ‘motherfuckers’ told the Dealer.

read more
December 6, 2022
Chicago Shady Dealer, Favorites

OI Renamed “Indiana H. Jones Institute of Academic Grave-Robbing”

In an effort to promote diversity, the Institute will showcase numerous artifacts looted and pillaged from cultures around the world.

read more
November 30, 2022
  • Historical Issue

    Say It With Me: Zero-Hours Contract is the Best Contract!

    Chicago Shady Dealer / July 3, 2025

    Every morning, you all crowd down to Canary Wharf to look for work, and often, you are offered a job. And what a job it is! Unburdened by skill, or artisanship, you can…

    read more
  • Historical Issue

    Automated Bobbin-Changing Equipment Threatens Job Security of 9-Year-Olds

    Chicago Shady Dealer / July 1, 2025

    “There’s no way one of those dastardly machines can replace one o’ us!” said Johnny Cross, a ten-year-old orphan in the workhouse.

    read more
  • Historical Issue

    Wilhelm Crashenblimpen Appointed Captain Of The Hindenburg

    Chicago Shady Dealer / June 30, 2025

    “Zis is zee greatest honor a man can be given,” said Crashenblimpen, “I am compliment zat zis vill not be an ironic coincidence years on.”

    read more
  • Historical Issue

    Alexander Hamilton Reviews Hamilton: “Wait, they did what?”

    Chicago Shady Dealer / June 29, 2025

    “Why a musical? I’m a serious historical figure, and you guys are just dancing around the stage rapping. Oh dear, please tell me you didn’t include the affair… oh yes, yes you did."

    read more
  • Historical Issue

    After Success Of First Novel, George Orwell Announces Publication Of “1984 2: This Time It’s Personal”

    Chicago Shady Dealer / June 27, 2025

    The text reportedly opens five years after the events of the first book, and follows Jorge Jorwell, karate master and secret revolutionary leader who’s also really hot and has a lot of sex.

    read more
  • Historical Issue

    Stephen Cole Kleene Invents Formal Languages, Causing War

    Chicago Shady Dealer / June 26, 2025

    Kleene has already had an established career inventing mind-boggling mathematical concepts to demonstrate his non-existent narcissism, such as the Kleene closure, and Kleene algebra.

    read more
  • Campus Life

    UChicago Admin in Panic Mode After Mysterious Disappearance of the Vitality Crystals

    Griffin Bonnin Jones / June 12, 2025

    When asked to comment on the reported theft, President Paul Alivisatos told The Dealer, “No! No! No! No! No! No! Leave me alone! Leave me alone! I can’t hear you, leave me alone!”

    read more
  • Politics

    White House Rushes to Explain Correlation Not Causation Following JD Vance Pope Visit

    Pauline Singer / June 10, 2025

    In response to the rumors, President Donald Trump tweeted: “Vance is FINE! We threw some Trump Holy Water™ on him. Trump Holy Water™ is on sale now! 10% off with a special code…

    read more
  • Campus Life,  Politics

    Interview: Debate Over Politics Blossoms Into Lifelong Friendship

    Justin Bilenker / June 9, 2025

    "Our argument was full of gotchas and strawmen and random factoids that could plausibly be traced to some website or social media post we looked at. There were no contentions, structure, rebuttals, or…

    read more
  • Campus Life

    Citizen App Provides Notice About Hyde Park Crimes: Dog Poop on Sidewalk, Premarital Handholding

    Natalie Floreancig / June 8, 2025

    Throughout the day, Hyde Park residents were notified of further incidents such as “group of preteens in park,” “car playing rap music,” and “student 3 minutes late to return charger to Regenstein Tech…

    read more
 Older Posts
Newer Posts 

Read It and Weep

  • In his second memoir, “Ignore My First One,” Vance reveals that the root of his anger toward Zelensky was his thick lashes.
  • 12 Days of UChicago Finals
  • LA Dodgers Fan finds out the Dodgers are a Baseball team and not a Hat Company
  • 5 Movies to Reject the Christmas Spirit while still saying you’re watching a Christmas Movie
  • Catholic Family Realizes They’re Nation’s Last Practitioners of the Advent Wreath; Experts Confirm the Three Kings Are “Not Coming, Don’t Wait Up”
  • UChicago Tour Guide Fired after Confirming “Where Fun Goes to Die” Culture on Tour
  • Air Force Forms Task Force of Skydiving Spiders
  • 10 Things To Do on Campus This Fall That Feel Almost As Good As Being Loved
  • Trump claims to have discovered “Constitution 2” allowing him to do whatever he wants
  • Pumpkin Spice Adderall® now available from your local dealer for your fall-themed 9 hour cram session in the Reg

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