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Jason Momoa Rocks the Minecraft Movie, Brings in 2000% More Hot Moms than Predicted
The Minecraft movie, originally predicted to cater to 6-to-12-year-olds with an unhealthy obsession for pixelated dirt, has become a cultural phenomenon among 30-to-45-year-old women who "just thought it looked like something the kids…
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Major League Baseball Removes Retired Number 42 After Trump Calls Out DEI Agenda
“In keeping with the President’s wishes for us, we have also decided that Roberto Clemente Day will no longer be celebrated,” the statement continued.
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Study Finds Jesus’ Crucifixion Likely Hurt a Lot
Flangle explained that while it is difficult for the layman to understand exactly why crucifixion is so painful, it has a lot to do with nails being driven into the hands and feet.
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UChicago Booth School of Business Suggests University Impose Tariffs on International Students
The recommendation, published in a 300-page working paper entitled “Invisible Hands, Visible Fees,” outlines a dynamic pricing model in which students from abroad would pay additional “access tariffs” to enroll in classes, attend…
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“The More I See The Kendrick Lamar Halftime Show, The More I Like It!” Says My Aunt Laura
The post featured a Facebook avatar of Laura doing two thumbs up with a cornfield in the background. Some have speculated that the cornfield is a nod to her hometown of Corn City.
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Eric M. Heath Accidentally Sends Safety Email to Hyde Park Crooks, Ne’er-do-wells
The message included a coded map to the location of the spare key to the administration building—guided by a limerick written by Former Dean John Boyer—and the fact that UChicago blue lights are…
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JD Vance Chased By Pitchfork-Wielding Mob for Three Weeks Before White House Comments
The Dealer was witness to the tail end of the chase, which came to a stop when Vance finally managed to contact the White House, who had previously placed his call on hold.
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Rockefeller Chapel to Get Sleek, Cool Upgrade Once They Figure Out Who Put That Scaffolding Up There.
University leadership admitted in a press conference Tuesday that the scaffolding was not actually theirs. When asked how this could have happened, University President Paul Alivisatos dabbed his forehead with a gold monogrammed…
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Pete Hegseth Accidentally Challenges Houthis to Game of iMessage Cup Pong
In what a spokesman for the Department of Defense is calling, “a completely understandable and tactically secure wrong-number mix-up,” Hegseth reportedly attempted to challenge Secretary of State Marco Rubio to a friendly game…
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Huzzah! Progressive Parent Pledges to Merely Threaten Queer Kid Instead of Denouncing Them This Year
Needless to say, Jade was still viscerally disgusted at their father’s comments. While The Shady Dealer initially attempted to reach Jade for comment, the paper was informed that quoting them could be construed…
