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President Alivisatos found drunk at frat party after US news report
After the University of Chicago rose to sixth place in the US News & World Report’s college rankings, newly re-elected President Paul Alivisatos was found at Phi Gamma Delta’s house Thursday morning passed…
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Secretary of War Pete Hegseth Announces New Military Uniform Deal
These outfits are reportedly “sleek,” “intimidating,” and “super cool, dude.” They will be a slimming black color, as Hegseth has realized since his speech that “getting rid of all the fatties” was a…
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Top 5 Places for Dads to Sulk During O Week
Orientation Week (O-Week) has come and gone, not unlike a high school boyfriend, and has prompted, much like a high school boyfriend, an extraordinary level of fatherly sulking.
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Societie of Loyale British Subjekts Seen Counter-Protesting “No Kings” Rally
Asked to explain the Societie’s political principles, chapter leader Thomas Galloway responded, “We believe that the American founding wast an act of treason against our most benevolent and gracious monarch, King George III.
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Northwestern University Kidnaps Phil the Phoenix as “Revenge” for US News Ranking
Last Tuesday, Phil the Phoenix was reported missing after failing to show up for a photo shoot with the badminton team. The cause of his disappearance was soon revealed to be the vengeful…
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House Council Begs First Years to Carry On Legacy
“Please join!” the House Council President begged on his knees at the mandatory house meeting, as students shifted uneasily while waiting to be let out. First-years report door-knocking at midnight, creepy voices whispering…
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First Year accidentally goes to bed before 3 AM, profusely apologizes
“I swear I won’t let this happen again,” he sobbed. Tragically, at this point in the interview, a ray of sunshine came through the windowblind and fell upon Jasonson’s face, leading him to…
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Op-Ed: My mom had one Tylenol, my dad is circumsized, and I really like trains
I found out that my mom took one Tylenol when she was pregnant with me. This raised concerns, given that the Department of Health and Human Services has linked Tylenol during pregnancy to…
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“Yes, I’m a Baller” Says Mamdani After Cuomo Accuses Him of Being LeBron James in Disguise
Mamdani proceeded to step from behind his podium, take a basketball from one of the moderators, and shoot from his spot on the stage all the way to the other side of the…
