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South to Install New “Vibe-Based” Fire Alarms
After two recent false alarms, Renee Granville-Grossman Residential Commons will be replacing all current motion-based fire alarms with new “vibe-based” models.
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UChicago to Pay All Employees in Maroon Dollars
In an attempt to reduce costs, the University of Chicago has taken a page from George Pullman’s book and will pay all faculty in Maroon dollars.
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Kamala Harris Fights Fire with Fire; Works at a Wendy’s
Democratic vice presidential nominee Tim Walz, the token white guy of the campaign and grill master of the day, also made burgers, commenting, “At least I don’t use charcoal. Jeez Louise, let’s Pop…
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Harris and Trump Unveil Matching Tattoos in Show of Bipartisanship
In a dramatic display of national unity and bipartisanship, Vice President Kamala Harris and former President Donald Trump announced on Monday that they had gotten matching tattoos.
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Top 5 Most Eligible Bachelors at UChicago
2. Eric M. Heath – Security Alert: Love! Some people may know Eric M. Heath as UChicago’s Associate Vice President of Safety and Security, but did you know that he’s also a sensitive…
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Shortened Quarters
Dear University of Chicago students and faculty members: We are pleased to inform you that, beginning in the 2025-2026 academic year, quarters will be shortened to 1 week of instruction and 1 week…
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Naive First-Year Still Thinks He Will Have Same Academic Advisor All Four Years
Pilvin first met his advisor, Justin Thum, just twenty minutes ago. “My advisor is so helpful,” says Pilvin, “He must have a great job with a lot of long-term prospects.” Pilvin was not…
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“Practicals” and Other Words to Say at Your House Table So People Know You’re Cool
Practicals: This apparently has something to do with the biz-econ major. Hopefully, people will think you’re a third year in disguise and not just stressed about getting into a club.
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First-Year’s Roommate Bears Suspiciously Striking Resemblance to D.B. Cooper
O’Higgins made the connection half an hour after meeting his roommate, who introduced himself as Brad Normal. “We were making small talk, just getting to know each other, when I thought, ‘Gee, he…
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Extra! Extra! Fresh RSO Ads Here!
#3: Light Bulbs Squad According to one of our investigators who managed to join this elite, secretive “Squad,” the members sit in a red circle surrounded by unlit light bulbs in a dark…
