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Copy of USG Announces Plan to Recount All Five Votes
“We’re not sure why this happened, but we’re looking into every possibility, from illegal voting, to irregular vote counting, to a squirrel dancing on a keyboard, which is the current leading theory.”
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Model UN Becomes Too Powerful; Overthrows Real UN
Another resolution under consideration by the General Assembly proposes a battle royale between all national leaders, with the winner crowned Emperor of Earth.
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Econ Major Declares for NBA Draft, Cites Fact that Most Draftees Make Millions
The scouting report on Henderson is quite poor, calling him "the worst draft prospect in the past 50 years. He combines Shaquille O’Neal’s three-point shooting and Wilt Chamberlain’s free throw percentage."
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Breaking: Class Day Speaker Bret Stephens Discovered to Be 7 Billion Bedbugs in a Suit
The New York Times columnist rejected the claim, stating that he “would never feed on people’s blood while they sleep.” He then added, “but if I did, I think they should have to…
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A Guide to Emotionally Preparing for Canvas Notifications
Close your eyes and count to ten Whether you see, “A comment has been made on your submission,” or, “Assignment Graded: Pset 4 Gradarius,” flash on your phone, it’s best to approach it…
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Zoo Animal Productivity at Record Low
“One of the reasons our country's infrastructure is in such bad shape is because of sluggish productivity among beavers over the last few decades.”
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Senioritis Overtakes COVID as Dominant Viral Infection on Campus
Fourth-years bear higher risk of senioritis than others, though it is not uncommon to see second- and third-years experiencing similar symptoms. First-years are the least susceptible, but even they can be infected, especially…
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Divinity School Discovers New, ‘12% Holier’ God
Pope Francis declared the paper a work of heresy, and a Vatican spokesperson estimated the true figure at a mere 4% additional holiness.
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Local Dog Arrested for Practicing as Therapy Dog without License
“Any therapeutic benefits derived from scratching his fluffy ears, rubbing his adorable tummy, or kissing his little brown nose are wholly and entirely coincidental.”
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Missing: Half an Assistant
Last seen being sawed in half by one Harry Houdini, before announcing he would “make it disappear” to an enthralled audience.
