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Joseph Malaria Hopes They Don’t Name Anything Bad After Him
Joseph’s friends have expressed concern that his name might become associated with a terrible malady. “Just look at what they did to me,” said Joseph’s neighbor, Anthony Human-Papillomavirus. “One day you’re sitting around…
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Incredible New Horse Breed Runs at 1.5 Horsepower
CHURCHILL DOWNS, KENTUCKY – Premier horse breeders Hoofington & Hartford have announced the successful breeding of their fastest horse yet. Darling Daisy Withers Wild, a Thoroughbred-Arabian-Akhal-Teke-Morgan-Appaloosa stallion, stands seventeen hands high at the…
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An Interview with the First Person to Ever Fall for the Oldest Trick in the Book
MESOPOTAMIA – Thomas Gully, a twenty-three year old farmer in Mesopotamia, was recently tricked into giving away a sheep and receiving nothing in return. He described the experience as “chastening,” saying, “This guy…
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JFK Gets Named After Famous Airport
June 21, 1961 NEW YORK – On July 1st, 1948, the first flight flew out from JFK Airport. To express his appreciation for the renowned airport, our 35th president has officially changed his…
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Nepo Baby Alert! King’s Son Is Named New King
“Everyone knows the Prince got where he is because of his dad,” said one peasant, who asked for anonymity lest he be arrested and hung upside down by his ankles in the town…
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UChicago Gifts Chilean Government With Giant Wooden Horse as Token of Friendship
This past Monday, the University of Chicago gifted the nation of Chile a token of friendship and goodwill, a giant wooden horse. The so-called “Friedman-Becker Memorial Horse of Democracy and Free Trade” will…
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Hallowed Replaces Decadent Pool Tables With Wholesome, Edifying Billiards Tables
UChicago students were delighted on Wednesday as Hallowed Grounds replaced its decadent, licentious pool tables with wholesome, edifying billiards tables.
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Cardboard Cutouts to Replace Contestants in New, Alternative Beauty Pageant
Visionary Mark Knockoff has recently invented the newest, hottest form of beauty pageants: Cardboard Pageants. The new pageant is designed to challenge traditional notions of beauty, like the norm around not being made…
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Report: Human Nature Primarily Driven by Love, Not Fear
A recent study published by Dr. Sarah Whippoor has reached a fascinating conclusion: the human soul is controlled by love rather than fear.
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Op-Ed From Dean Hale: UChicago Launches Study Abroad Program in I-House
I, Dean Hale, have decided to extend your Core Curriculum requirements by adding a mandatory quarter abroad. It is therefore my great pleasure to announce UChicago will offer a study abroad program at…
