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Masthead

Editors in Chief

Lena Birkholz, Jacob Halabe, Maisie Thompson

Managing Editor

Andrea Zhou

Deputy Managing Editor

Griffin Bonnin Jones

Layout Editor

Abby Beckler

Deputy Layout Editor

Katherine Reynolds

Photo Editor

Zayna Cheema

Copy Editors

Justin Bilenker, Katherine Reynolds

Disclaimer

Did we hurt your feelings, or say something that “rings untrue” in your soft ears? Well you’re paying too much attention to what we said, and not enough attention to what we meant. God is God, the river is swift, and we don’t give a fuck.

Any complaints can be emailed to [email protected].

Chicago Shady Dealer, Favorites

Visiting Parents Worried about the Cost of Three Weddings after Seeing Son Talk to Three Different Girls in His House

While parents Michael and Jessica Trout carefully budgeted for their son Timothy’s college expenses along with a single wedding, they were abruptly reminded that some costs simply cannot be anticipated…

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October 24, 2021
Campus Life, Favorites

Kid Makes Anaphylactic Shock All About Himself

Joseph Silverstein, a member of Johnson’s house, said, “Yeah, so while John went to the bathroom, I swapped his muffin with one that had peanuts, and, gosh, after hearing that…

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January 5, 2023
Chicago Shady Dealer, Favorites

UChicago Student Running From College Council

While the beginning of Spring Quarter has marked numerous announcements of ambitious students running for College Council, one student has decided to rival this long-standing tradition by running from College Council. Simon Jorgensen, a second year…

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April 19, 2021
Campus Life, Favorites

University Introduces New Way to Get Downtown: “Walk, Motherfuckers”

This option has been poorly received by undergraduates, as several would-be ‘motherfuckers’ told the Dealer.

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December 6, 2022
Chicago Shady Dealer, Favorites

OI Renamed “Indiana H. Jones Institute of Academic Grave-Robbing”

In an effort to promote diversity, the Institute will showcase numerous artifacts looted and pillaged from cultures around the world.

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November 30, 2022
  • Campus Life

    Dealer Investigates: Harper Elevator Actually Works, “Out-of-Order” Sign Revealed to be Performance Art

    Chicago Shady Dealer / April 4, 2024

    An investigation recently conducted by both the Dealer and seven TAPS majors concluded that the east tower elevator in Harper actually works, and the “Out of Order” sign outside is an elaborate piece…

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  • Campus Life

    Dispelling Fears about Age, Joe Biden Kills Moose with Bare Hands

    Griffin Bonnin Jones / April 4, 2024

    WASHINGTON– President Joe Biden has put to rest any doubts about his fitness to serve by killing a moose, with his bare hands on the White House front lawn.

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  • Campus Life

    Confused First-Year Found Doing Work in Coffee Shop

    Justin Bilenker / April 3, 2024

    Several upperclassmen were shocked to witness a visibly confused first-year doing schoolwork in Hallowed Grounds.

    read more
  • Campus Life

    With New ‘Feudal Peasant Deal’, Mac Properties Begins Renting Barren Fields to UChicago Students

    Chicago Shady Dealer / April 3, 2024

    Mac Properties has recently announced its new Feudal Peasant Deal, allowing UChicago students to live out their dreams of being medieval farmers legally tethered to a patch of barren land.

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  • Campus Life

    New Website Offers Bookings for North Apartments 15 Years in Advance!

    Lydia Osborn / April 2, 2024

    On Tuesday, second-year bizcon students Bryan Johnson and Ryan Johnston launched their new website Futurismo, an advance booking system for apartments in Campus North.

    read more
  • Campus Life

    “You Should Write an Article about Bartlett Pizza,” Says My Friend Todd

    Griffin Bonnin Jones / April 1, 2024

    The second-year Business Economics major insisted that an article on the pizza of Bartlett Dining Commons would captivate the readership of The Shady Dealer. “Dude, people would love that shit,” he explained.

    read more
  • Campus Life

    Wow! Guy in Your CIV Class Really Can’t Solve That Crossword

    Maisie Thompson and 1 more / April 1, 2024

    Last Wednesday, students in Jewish Civilizations II observed an anonymous second-year working on a crossword for what can only be described as an extraordinary amount of time.

    read more
  • Campus Life,  Chicago Shady Dealer

    Uchicago Football Loses to Club Rugby

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 31, 2024

    UC Men’s Rugby managed to kick a field goal and win the game 3-0. A wide receiver, who wished to remain anonymous, blamed varsity football’s multitude of dropped passes on the fact that…

    read more
  • Campus Life

    UChicago Gambling Club Wins Big

    Vivian Psylos / February 19, 2024

    “It’s well known that 99% of gamblers quit right before they win big. $10,000 is quite big, but $10,000,000 is even bigger”, UChicago Gambling Club president, Adam Rouletteman, stated after the victory.

    read more
  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Acronym Majors on the Rise, New Report Says

    Chicago Shady Dealer Newsdesk / February 19, 2024

    Third-year Elena Cooperington agreed: “I told employers at job interviews that I was majoring in REES and SALC with minors in CMST, CRES and CEGU and they had the gall to question my…

    read more
 Older Posts
Newer Posts 

Read It and Weep

  • SSRIs Cure Great Depression
  • Say It With Me: Zero-Hours Contract is the Best Contract!
  • Automated Bobbin-Changing Equipment Threatens Job Security of 9-Year-Olds
  • Wilhelm Crashenblimpen Appointed Captain Of The Hindenburg
  • Alexander Hamilton Reviews Hamilton: “Wait, they did what?”
  • After Success Of First Novel, George Orwell Announces Publication Of “1984 2: This Time It’s Personal”
  • Stephen Cole Kleene Invents Formal Languages, Causing War
  • UChicago Admin in Panic Mode After Mysterious Disappearance of the Vitality Crystals
  • White House Rushes to Explain Correlation Not Causation Following JD Vance Pope Visit
  • Interview: Debate Over Politics Blossoms Into Lifelong Friendship

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