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Masthead

Editors in Chief

Griffin Bonnin Jones, Andrea Zhou

Managing Editor

Katherine Reynolds

Deputy Managing Editor

Vivian Psylos

Layout Editor

Justin Bilenker

Photo Editor

Zayna Cheema

Copy Editors

Nik Ochoa, Chase Teichholz

Disclaimer

Did we hurt your feelings, or say something that “rings untrue” in your soft ears? Well you’re paying too much attention to what we said, and not enough attention to what we meant. God is God, the river is swift, and we don’t give a fuck.

Any complaints can be emailed to [email protected].

Campus Life, Favorites

Kid Makes Anaphylactic Shock All About Himself

Joseph Silverstein, a member of Johnson’s house, said, “Yeah, so while John went to the bathroom, I swapped his muffin with one that had peanuts, and, gosh, after hearing that…

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January 5, 2023
Chicago Shady Dealer, Favorites

Visiting Parents Worried about the Cost of Three Weddings after Seeing Son Talk to Three Different Girls in His House

While parents Michael and Jessica Trout carefully budgeted for their son Timothy’s college expenses along with a single wedding, they were abruptly reminded that some costs simply cannot be anticipated…

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October 24, 2021
Chicago Shady Dealer, Favorites

OI Renamed “Indiana H. Jones Institute of Academic Grave-Robbing”

In an effort to promote diversity, the Institute will showcase numerous artifacts looted and pillaged from cultures around the world.

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November 30, 2022
Campus Life, Favorites

University Introduces New Way to Get Downtown: “Walk, Motherfuckers”

This option has been poorly received by undergraduates, as several would-be ‘motherfuckers’ told the Dealer.

read more
December 6, 2022
Chicago Shady Dealer, Favorites

UChicago Student Running From College Council

While the beginning of Spring Quarter has marked numerous announcements of ambitious students running for College Council, one student has decided to rival this long-standing tradition by running from College Council. Simon Jorgensen, a second year…

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April 19, 2021
  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    New Admissions Flowchart Announced

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Morgan Pantuck July 7, 2016 In addition to Regular Decision and Early Action, the University of Chicago recently decided to add Early Decision 1 and 2 to it’s list of application options.…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    We Fucking Hate Pandas

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By University Administration July 8, 2016 Over the past few years, the UChicago Office of Sustainability has worked with campus and community partners on several important projects, including ventures to improve waste reduction…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Help! The Moldy Banana I Accidentally Left in Storage Has Achieved Sentience

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Jacob Johnson July 23, 2016 Look, we’ve all been there. You open one of the boxes you stored before you left last June, and your nose is suddenly met with the pungent…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    A Letter from the Editors

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Matthew Goldenberg and Walker King Aug. 17, 2015 Dear Members of the UChicago Community, It’s with a heavy heart that we announce the return of the Chicago Shady Dealer for another year…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Op-Ed: Porn is Worse Here

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Ryan Fleishman July 25, 2016 op-ed: porn is worse here Porn. I love it, you love it, we all love porn, but especially me. I love porn the most, so I am…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Omance Goes Oorly

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Daniel Ruttenberg July 31, 2016 A recent Omance between Benjamin Brooks and Cate Preston has gone Oorly, according to anonymous Ources. The Ources say Brooks and Preston Oth live in Ony Island…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Naughty: Venn Diagrams With a Third Circle

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Daniel Ruttenberg July 31, 2016 Thanks for reading this issue of ThanksThanks for reading this issue of the Shady Dealer! You all deserve a surprise… a sexy surprise: Hide that from your…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    We ‘Ship Shipping Interns With Shipping Internships

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Daniel Ruttenberg July 31, 2016 Internships for shipping interns, shipped in turn: Chip “Whip” Kipp with Ship Shipping An internship that ships a ship? That ‘ship’s so hip for Chip “Whip” Kipp,…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Top Five Reasons to Sleep with Me

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Liam Coles Aug. 1, 2016 I want to first preface this with the fact that there are many more reasons to sleep with me. These are just the top. I can last…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Op-Ed: I’m Already Annoyed by My Roomate’s Laugh Track

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By David North Aug. 1, 2016 I’ve been sharing a studio apartment with Todd Henderson for a couple of weeks now. I am writing this op-ed to recount my experiences living in this…

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 Older Posts
Newer Posts 

Read It and Weep

  • University to introduce affirmative action for guys named Sean (Shaun and Shawn excluded)
  • In his second memoir, “Ignore My First One,” Vance reveals that the root of his anger toward Zelensky was his thick lashes.
  • 12 Days of UChicago Finals
  • LA Dodgers Fan finds out the Dodgers are a Baseball team and not a Hat Company
  • 5 Movies to Reject the Christmas Spirit while still saying you’re watching a Christmas Movie
  • Catholic Family Realizes They’re Nation’s Last Practitioners of the Advent Wreath; Experts Confirm the Three Kings Are “Not Coming, Don’t Wait Up”
  • UChicago Tour Guide Fired after Confirming “Where Fun Goes to Die” Culture on Tour
  • Air Force Forms Task Force of Skydiving Spiders
  • 10 Things To Do on Campus This Fall That Feel Almost As Good As Being Loved
  • Trump claims to have discovered “Constitution 2” allowing him to do whatever he wants

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