NETHERLANDS–Unless you have decided to establish your domicile under some sedimentary formation, you may have turned your ear to our own fair tulip market. The most popular varietal at this time has been the Semper Augustus, an exquisite strain with red and white stripes. Recently, the price has decreased by nearly ten whole guilders! Fear not, for this intrepid reporter has found that this price decrease is in fact fallacious, for the man providing his stock of the Semper Augustus was found painting the flowers himself! He was recently arrested on multiple counts of tulip espionage and racketeering. Citizens of the Netherlands may rest assured that the price is back up to four thousand guilders, as it should be.

Pauline Singer

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• Pauline Singer

  Point: Dining halls should strive to incorporate healthier cereals. Counterpoint: You can pry the Lucky Charms out of my cold, dead hands, bitch!
• Pauline Singer

  Woodlawn to host a bake sale to raise money for new carpet! Cupcakes $20,000 each
• Pauline Singer

  Wet Socks Make Students More Productive, Says Designer of the Sidewalk Outside Cobb Hall
• Pauline Singer

  Alivisatos to Demolish the “bad parts” of Harper Library for a square-dancing arena