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Rating the Old, White Men I’ve Read in SOSC Based on Their Abilities to Make a Woman Orgasm
"My vagina is not the Leviathan; stop trying to take up the sword against my clitoris. Trust me, that’s not how you do it. "
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Local Business Spotlight: Looking for a Cheap Coat? This Entrepreneur Has a Large Selection That Is Definitely Not Stolen from Alpha Delt
“I swear, this is my coat. I remember it got bleach all over it at the last party, but for some reason the tag is removed? Who knows though? I liked the coat…
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Review: Locking Your Belt Closed With a Padlock (Then Forgetting Its Combination)
Before you ask, and I know you’re thinking it already, no this isn’t a sex thing. I mean, it’s about keeping your pants on, so it’s more like the opposite of a sex…
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UChicago Admissions Requires That Applicants Shove Squirrels up Their Asses
“The requirement not only allows us to admit only the most dedicated students out there – it also will ensure incoming students are better adjusted to the difficulties they will undergo within our…
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Five Ways to Avoid the Mysterious Wizard Who Wants to Turn You Into a Dove
It’s the quintessential UChicago experience: there’s a scary wizard staring at you from the topmost window of the I-House tower. He leaps out of the window and chases you across the quad on…
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Allen Sanderson Becomes Sociologist by Light of Full Moon
As the full moon emerged, economics professor Allen R. Sanderson was seen declaring himself a sociologist on the quad for no explicable reason.
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After Years of Confusion, PSI Decides to Just Become a Frat
The new frat, officially named “PSI, no, not that one”, will begin recruiting in April in honor of Earth Day.
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Why is the Trolley Problem On My Econ P-Set, and What Did Y’all Get?
On the one hand, 40 minutes is a lot of time, time that could be spent improving the PowerPoint I’m gonna use to fire my unpaid intern Jenny.
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3 Sex Poems from My Poetry Workshop That Scream “I’m a Virgin”
When I signed up for this poetry workshop, I had no idea that the people in it would be so horny — or so repressed. Somehow, every single poem submitted has been explicitly…
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Heartbreaking: Child in Mongolia Doesn’t Know Who Nestor Is
The University of Chicago community was shocked Monday after reports surfaced that a six-year-old child from a village in northern Mongolia is unaware of the existence of Nestor the Midway Cat. Nestor the…
