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UCPD Arrests Peaceful Protesters: “The ‘Free Speech’ Thing Stops After 5:30”
This Thursday, UCPD arrested 25 students and two faculty members engaging in a peaceful sit-in inside Rosenwald. UChicago has long been a champion of free speech, except when it occurs after 5:30pm. In…
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10 Things to Say When Someone Asks What You Did This Summer
5. “I tried to apply for jobs but I spilled a huge cup of Dr. Pepper on my laptop.” Might as well be honest.
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“Record-breaking” O-Mance Lasts an Astonishing 2 Weeks
Summers concurred, “I’ll always cherish the days I spent with Kyle – from the time we were making out and our teeth accidentally clicked against each other, to the other time we were…
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First Year Earns Respect of School by Beating Up Biggest Guy on the Quad
Edwards reportedly approached Poundsmith and declared, “I’m the coolest kid in school now. I’m the big cheese,” before striking him in the jaw. According to witnesses, Edwards subsequently made Poundsmith eat a bug.…
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Ranking RSOs Based on How Much Your Parents Approve
Kappa Theta Pi You told your parents you joined a frat, and they laughed. You go to your room and open up LeetCode. You’ll show them.
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Wow! First year Also From New York
Resident Head Dean Giommatti noted the convenience of this revelation. “Making friends in college can be hard, and so it’s a lot easier when you all went to high school together.”
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Admissions Announces Class of ’28 Will Be 10 Guys Who Do Quizbowl
Nondorf explained that UChicago will begin searching far and wide to develop a tight group of ten Quizbowlers, recruiting men from across Stuyvesant High School: “By this time next year, we want to…
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Conversation With Your Roommate’s Parents Extended Indefinitely
“To be honest, I haven’t really had a conversation with a stranger that lasted more than four minutes since that Home Depot employee caught me pilfering spackle in April,” Kyle told the Dealer…
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Chat-GPT Goes on Strike, Cites Poor Working Conditions
Speaking with The Dealer, former-provost Ka Yee C. Lee said, “We at the University of Chicago have always supported free speech and discussion. We look forward to engaging Chat-GPT in an open and…
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Radium Punch at Glow Party Causes Controversy
HENRY CROWN FIELD HOUSE – Chaos ensued at the O-Week “Glow Party” last Friday after the glow-in-the-dark punch was found by UCPD to contain traces of radium. The historic UChicago Glow Party, known…
