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Harper Releases New Specialty Drinks
#2 - Indie Street Cred: a pressed vinyl copy of MJ Lenderman’s Manning Fireworks ground up and blended into a cappuccino. Choke it down like the cool guy you are.
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Oregano Prices Skyrocket as Americans Simultaneously Hit with Overwhelming Craving for Oregano
On the oregano craze, Napervillian and mother-of-four Rosemary Bayleaf told the Dealer, “There’s no reason for it–I just realized that oregano was what I was missing my whole life.”
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“Practicals” and Other Words to Say at Your House Table So People Know You’re Cool
Practicals: This apparently has something to do with the biz-econ major. Hopefully, people will think you’re a third year in disguise and not just stressed about getting into a club.
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Precocious First-Year Starts College with Opps Pre-Established
Remaining ahead of the curve, Foggarty has also made sure to develop more serious feuds in order to pre-empt any post-O-week enmity. According to an exclusive interview with the Dealer, Foggarty revealed that…
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House Misses Apple Season, Forced to Go Rutabaga Picking
As the RA Bob McSchmob explained in his introductory email, this is “the Disneyland of Rutabaga picking in Wisconsin! We’ve got Alta-Sweet, Improved Long Island, and even some Granny Jones Rutabagas! Even though…
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What Your Favorite Coffee Shop Says About You
Hallowed: Your last date looked like the girl from Jean-Luc Godard’s Breathless.
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Top Twenty Things on Other People’s Laptops You Can Pay Attention to Instead of Your Bio Topics Lecture
Youtube fan edit for the 90s classic Y Tu Mama Tambien.
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Op-Ed: Hey Stacy, Bring Your Mom to the Party Tomorrow
I know you’ve been wanting to get drinks with me for a while, so like, you should totally come to the party with your mom ‘cause we’ll definitely have drinks.
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Trader Joe’s Introduces New Pumpkin-Spiced Toilet Bowl Cleaner
Customer response has already been overwhelmingly positive. “I always try to get into the mood of the season,” said one customer sporting a plaid shirt, a corduroy jacket, another corduroy jacket, rain boots,…
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“Don’t Go Outside:” UCPD Releases Official Transportation Policy for First Years
We have the second largest private police force in the world, but until we have the largest it’s really not safe to go outside.
