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Masthead

Editors in Chief

Lena Birkholz, Jacob Halabe, Maisie Thompson

Managing Editor

Andrea Zhou

Deputy Managing Editor

Griffin Bonnin Jones

Layout Editor

Abby Beckler

Deputy Layout Editor

Katherine Reynolds

Photo Editor

Zayna Cheema

Copy Editors

Justin Bilenker, Katherine Reynolds

Disclaimer

Did we hurt your feelings, or say something that “rings untrue” in your soft ears? Well you’re paying too much attention to what we said, and not enough attention to what we meant. God is God, the river is swift, and we don’t give a fuck.

Any complaints can be emailed to [email protected].

  • Off-Campus Life

    Oregano Prices Skyrocket as Americans Simultaneously Hit with Overwhelming Craving for Oregano

    Lena Birkholz / April 6, 2025

    On the oregano craze, Napervillian and mother-of-four Rosemary Bayleaf told the Dealer, “There’s no reason for it–I just realized that oregano was what I was missing my whole life.” 

    read more
  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    “Practicals” and Other Words to Say at Your House Table So People Know You’re Cool

    Lena Birkholz / October 15, 2024

    Practicals: This apparently has something to do with the biz-econ major. Hopefully, people will think you’re a third year in disguise and not just stressed about getting into a club.

    read more
  • Campus Life

    Precocious First-Year Starts College with Opps Pre-Established

    Lena Birkholz / October 7, 2024

    Remaining ahead of the curve, Foggarty has also made sure to develop more serious feuds in order to pre-empt any post-O-week enmity. According to an exclusive interview with the Dealer, Foggarty revealed that…

    read more
  • Campus Life

    House Misses Apple Season, Forced to Go Rutabaga Picking

    Lena Birkholz / December 6, 2023

    As the RA Bob McSchmob explained in his introductory email, this is “the Disneyland of Rutabaga picking in Wisconsin! We’ve got Alta-Sweet, Improved Long Island, and even some Granny Jones Rutabagas! Even though…

    read more
  • Campus Life

    What Your Favorite Coffee Shop Says About You

    Lena Birkholz / March 2, 2023

    Hallowed: Your last date looked like the girl from Jean-Luc Godard’s Breathless.

    read more
  • Campus Life

    Top Twenty Things on Other People’s Laptops You Can Pay Attention to Instead of Your Bio Topics Lecture

    Lena Birkholz / February 16, 2023

    Youtube fan edit for the 90s classic Y Tu Mama Tambien.

    read more
  • Campus Life

    Op-Ed: Hey Stacy, Bring Your Mom to the Party Tomorrow

    Lena Birkholz / January 24, 2023

    I know you’ve been wanting to get drinks with me for a while, so like, you should totally come to the party with your mom ‘cause we’ll definitely have drinks. 

    read more
  • Off-Campus Life

    Trader Joe’s Introduces New Pumpkin-Spiced Toilet Bowl Cleaner

    Lena Birkholz / November 2, 2022

    Customer response has already been overwhelmingly positive. “I always try to get into the mood of the season,” said one customer sporting a plaid shirt, a corduroy jacket, another corduroy jacket, rain boots,…

    read more
  • Campus Life

    “Don’t Go Outside:” UCPD Releases Official Transportation Policy for First Years

    Lena Birkholz / October 25, 2022

    We have the second largest private police force in the world, but until we have the largest it’s really not safe to go outside. 

    read more
  • Campus Life

    Local Business Spotlight: Looking for a Cheap Coat? This Entrepreneur Has a Large Selection That Is Definitely Not Stolen from Alpha Delt

    Lena Birkholz / August 31, 2022

    “I swear, this is my coat. I remember it got bleach all over it at the last party, but for some reason the tag is removed? Who knows though? I liked the coat…

    read more

Read It and Weep

  • Oops! Your Participation Grade Is Actually 99%, and You’ve Barely Gone to Class! 5 Tips to Gaslight Your Instructor
  • Utah Replaces All Water Supply With Electrolytes, ‘Cause That’s What Plants Crave
  • [Redacted] is the Best Fucking Frat at UChicago, in a Tolstoyan Sense
  • Non-political Maroon Article Gets View
  • OpenAI Unveils New Model of ChatGPT Capable of Developing Anxiety Disorders
  • Jason Momoa Rocks the Minecraft Movie, Brings in 2000% More Hot Moms than Predicted
  • Major League Baseball Removes Retired Number 42 After Trump Calls Out DEI Agenda
  • Study Finds Jesus’ Crucifixion Likely Hurt a Lot
  • UChicago Booth School of Business Suggests University Impose Tariffs on International Students
  • “The More I See The Kendrick Lamar Halftime Show, The More I Like It!” Says My Aunt Laura

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