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Admissions Office Announces Exciting New Diversity Initiative
By Philip O’Sullivan Nov. 14, 2016 The University of Chicago Admissions Office recently announced an exciting new diversity initiative, the Opportunity Scholarship, to help increase the diversity of rich and privileged students attending…
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First Year Frantically Struggles to Acquire Phone Numbers
By Erin Horning Aug. 7, 2015 First-year Mona Everett thought she was set for college when her parents dropped her and all of her brand-new college gear off on the steps of Max…
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Well-dressed hipster in your SOSC class died in 1953
By Simon Stanco Oct. 18, 2013 Officials in the University of Chicago Supernatural Care and Radio-Ectoplasmology Department (UCSCARED), after investigating numerous reports of an almost translucently pale hipster attending SOSC classes, have revealed…
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5 Baffling Contraptions Your Roommate is Using to Hog the Outlets
By Thomas Noriega Jan. 30, 2018 1. The Glow-Box During the day, it’s just another box plugged into your shared surge protector, but at night, it radiates an eerie blue glow directly into…
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Help! The Moldy Banana I Accidentally Left in Storage Has Achieved Sentience
By Jacob Johnson July 23, 2016 Look, we’ve all been there. You open one of the boxes you stored before you left last June, and your nose is suddenly met with the pungent…
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March!
By Evan Bernstein March 1, 2015 Oh boy oh boy oh boy! Sources close to bursting from excitement report that it’s March! The sources, who wished to remain forever young and free, went…
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Animal House Wins Best Picture
By Matthew Goldenberg Feb. 24, 2013 In an absolutely stunning surprise this evening, the 1978 film Animal House won the Oscar for Best Picture in 2013. Despite the fact that the movie was…
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Letters from Home: It’s Grandpa. Do They Have Free Speech on Your Campus?
By Grandad (Sam Hoffman) Aug. 17, 2017 Hi Sweetie, this is Grandpa. I hope this letter finds you well, and I hope you’re not out there having too much fun! I hear a…
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United States Rewrites Foreign Policy In Wake Of Student Government Decision
By Ryan Fleishman April 22, 2016 Following The University of Chicago Student Government’s majority decision to support the boycott, divest, and sanction resolution against Israel, President Barack Obama and the entire United States…
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After Long Deliberation, America Chooses Greater of Two Evils
By Daniel Moattar Nov. 16, 2014 After long deliberation, informed consideration, and an even-keeled look at the issues, America has handed the reins over to the greater of two profound evils, polling organizations…
