Chicago Shady Dealer

UChicago Clarifies That Indoor Mask Policy Does Not Apply to Hot People

This week, the UChicago Student Wellness Center released a statement clarifying that the university’s indoor mask policy did not apply to people who are “hella cute.”

“After carefully reviewing the current medical situation surrounding COVID-19, we have decided to grant mask exemptions to all the hotties of the university,” said Dean Boyer, in a statement to the whole school. Under the updated policy, perfect 10s at UChicago would be free to go maskless in dorms, classrooms, and athletic facilities so that the rest of the student body may admire their features and perhaps learn from their example.

Some have raised concerns that the lack of masks on hot people would encourage the spread of COVID. The administration has sought to assuage critics by stating that less than 1% of the students at UChicago would be eligible for the exemption.

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Jacob Halabe is a pseudonym of famously reclusive author JD Salinger. Despite reports that he died in 2010, Salinger is actually alive and well, posing as a second year History major at the University of Chicago. Jacob (ie: Salinger) is a big fan of The Shady Dealer and also serves as a co-copy editor. When not penning satire, you can find him working on his forthcoming novel The Catcher in the Rye 2: This Time It's Personal

[Note: He assumes no legal liability if -- upon reading this bio -- you are filled with the uncontrollable urge to kill John Lennon]