Chicago Shady Dealer

FDA Recommends Dinosaur Egg Oatmeal for Daily Nostalgia Needs

Long recommended by the Food and Drug Administration (FDA) as a fuel for one’s morning and a buffer from coffee acidity, breakfast is a very important meal. However, according to new research, the recommended daily value of nostalgia for adults can be up to 60% less than necessary. Today, FDA spokesman Ainsley Krieger recommended eating dinosaur egg oatmeal regularly to help combat this gaping void.

“Many breakfast cereals are just like Chocolate Frosted Sugar Bombs from Calvin & Hobbes, but real,” said Krieger. “Dinosaur egg oatmeal has the same amount of sugar, don’t get me wrong, but who doesn’t want to wake up by thinking about the old times? I just wanna be a three-year-old kicking a soccer ball in my backyard, with two trees as the goals, and my parents letting me win so I feel like the toddler version of Messi.”

Krieger continued discussing the joys of childhood naiveté before complaining of the burdens of being an adult. During one of his many tangents, he spent four minutes solely on the irony of his hatred of taxes, which fully pay for his salary. He then expressed excitement at finding a green Stegosaurus because it “tastes the best.” After cognitively regrouping, Krieger then pulled a bowl of oatmeal from his pants to drive home the main point (how his pockets were not drenched is still unknown) and began eating it, continuing between mouthfuls as oatmeal periodically dribbled from his mouth.

“Helping America get healthier and supporting America’s breadbasket? It’s a win-win,” said Krieger around mouthfuls of oats.

“The FDA is working, uh… on, oh, ‘with,’ that says – with the Department of Agriculture to ensure our farmers can meet – uh… demand,” Krieger stuttered as he motioned for a paper towel to clean some mouth spillage off his prepared remarks.

Nico Aldape

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