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RFK Jr. Declares That Snow Can Cause ADHD
According to new directives, parents can help keep their children healthy by melting all the snow outside of their homes first thing in the morning and wrapping their kids in tin foil whenever…
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“Could You Clarify What You Mean by That?” Asks Professor Who Hates You
“I’m such a fucking idiot,” you told the Dealer. “I’m so fucking stupid and she knows it, and she wants me to know that she knows it, because she hates me. She hates…
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5 Things to Bean at Your Frat Pledges Instead of Eggs
Grocery prices have risen over the past few years, and thanks to a smidgen of bird flu, eggs are more expensive than ever, at almost $5 a dozen in Illinois. Scandalous! If you’re…
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UChicago Acceptance Rate Falls Below 0%, Current Students Must Reapply
When you think about it from a mathematical standpoint, the hyperbolic decay function tells us that the shift into negative numbers was inevitable,” explained Ethan Chu, who majored in Applied Mathematics before he…
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Trump in Talks to Buy Atlantis from Aquaman
“Arthur Curry, we call him ‘puny fish-man.’ What a loser! Your tremendous President is here to make a promise: once we have bought it, Atlantis shall be named ‘America in Water.’ America in…
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Scientists Admit Smoking Not Actually Bad for You: “We Just Wanted Attention”
"We made it up whole cloth, because we wanted to feel important, and to have people tell us how important we were, and how smart we were at science."
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Another Woke Liberal Lie, Dining Hall French Fry Not Actually French
Some students demand the return of real fries, while others argue sweet potato fries are a gateway to dark cults like veganism.
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People Names Luigi Mangione Sexiest Assassin of the Year
University of Alabama Professor of Sexiness Studies Jenna Hottz concurred with the committee’s decision: “Luigi is on the Mount Rushmore of hotness for murderers, if I may say so myself. Luigi, if you’re…
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Donald Trump Signs Executive Order Directing Economy to Be “Good” Instead of “Bad”
The other executive orders signed today include a variety of measures that Donald Trump has been hoping to enact for a long time, including Executive Order 14185: “Bring us more jobs”, and Executive…
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UChicago Accidentally Sugars Campus Sidewalks Instead of Salting Them
When confronted with our discovery, Bob Frost, a spokesperson for the task force, apologized for the mix-up. “Don’t be salty about it,” he pleaded. “If I gave you two buckets of white granular…
