-
UChicago Clarifies That Indoor Mask Policy Does Not Apply to Hot People
This week, the UChicago Student Wellness Center released a statement clarifying that the university’s indoor mask policy did not apply to people who are “hella cute.” “After carefully reviewing the current medical situation…
-
Visiting Parents Worried about the Cost of Three Weddings after Seeing Son Talk to Three Different Girls in His House
While parents Michael and Jessica Trout carefully budgeted for their son Timothy’s college expenses along with a single wedding, they were abruptly reminded that some costs simply cannot be anticipated when they watched…
-
Grimes Rebounds with Sosc Professor
Grimes and Elon Musk recently split after 3 years, and the Canadian songstress is handling it with nothing but grace and class… consciousness? Grimes, 33, was recently spotted on the streets of LA,…
-
Op-Ed: Here’s Why I Applied to an Assistant Professorship at Booth as an Undergrad
Though I’m still an undergrad, I recently applied to an assistant professorship at Booth, for one reason: to fight for what I know is right. It is grossly inequitable that graduate students are…
-
Three Ways to Definitely Get Into the Blue Chips
Let’s face it. The Blue Chips is one of the only organizations on campus actually worth being a part of. Doing any other RSO is a waste of time, which is why your…
-
Local Dad “Doing His Own Research” on COVID Vaccination Nabs NIH Grant
When local father Mike Jones said that he would be doing his own research on vaccination, his small suburban town thought they had heard it all before. “I thought he was just going…
-
Give Us Your Credit Card Number and We’ll Tell You About Our New Jetski
Now, we understand, you might be thinking: what do you need my credit card number for? What could my credit card number possibly have to do with some definitely pre-existing jetski? What a…
-
Guy in Practice Room Humored by Neighbor’s Feeble Attempt At Music
“How cute,” thought Jeff Herbert, a second year living in Campus North Residential Commons, as he overheard the music coming from the room over. “They really let anybody play in these practice rooms…
-
Red October: Wellness Czar Overthrown by Bolsheviks in House Council Election
This just in: Nicholas Romanov, the longtime Wellness Czar of Salisbury House in Burton-Judson, has been unseated by an anonymous group gaining traction on campus: “The Wellness Bolsheviks”. According to our sources, the…
-
Op-Ed: Stext and the City: Stacks Are Not-So-Secret Haven for Desperate Undergrads
Books are teachers, and very patient ones, for that matter. The lesson that all the books in the Regenstein bookstacks collectively taught me is that sometimes I should trust the posts on UChicago…
