Chicago Shady Dealer

Grimes Rebounds with Sosc Professor

Grimes and Elon Musk recently split after 3 years, and the Canadian songstress is handling it with nothing but grace and class… consciousness? Grimes, 33, was recently spotted on the streets of LA, dressed as an elven warrior, seemingly engrossed in Karl Marx’s The Communist Manifesto. She was drawn to the text after her highly publicized breakup with the second-richest man in the world. In her own words, the singer details how one of the most foundational texts in economic, social, and political thought is helping her move on from her ex: “Elon is just so out of touch with the common man. I needed someone who is a true person of the people.” Grimes found one such man communing with the proletariat at the University of Chicago. In this relatable and accessible ivory tower, Grimes has found her rebound in the Sosc department. 


“Dating a Sosc professor is great. He’s everything Elon could never dream of being,” she gushes. Unlike Elon, her new beau is not only underpaid but is also, as Grimes puts it, “easily understood and approachable to Middle America.” The singer explains how attractive it was when her boyfriend told their Uber driver that the arc of the moral universe is long but it bends towards justice. She teared up at the driver’s response of, “I hope you’re leaving a good tip then because the arc of the moral universe would bend quicker if I could get my AC fixed.” 


Grimes details how she’s brushing up on her Marxist theory for their date later in the week: she’s planning on a romantic afternoon of auditing his class to listen to his students, self-proclaimed socialist, Hunter Davenport, future head of a nonprofit, and unapologetic capitalist, Ava Fortenberry, daughter of a Goldman Sachs executive, debate the central tenets of communist praxis — which, of course, has no impact on either of their trust funds.


Grimes says she has “never been happier.” She praises her Sosc professor boyfriend, revealing, “He’s always so supportive of me and encourages me to put my career first. Unlike Elon, he’s constantly saying things like ‘Babe, you have to release an album because I’m never getting tenure.’” Her new man also reportedly loves baby X Æ A-12. The singer cherishes how her new love interest is always complimenting her child, and saying how much smarter he is than the students in his Sosc class because he doesn’t talk. 


Sounds like the pair are having a blast getting to know each other, and we wish them well in their budding romance!