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Masthead

Editors in Chief

Lena Birkholz, Jacob Halabe, Maisie Thompson

Managing Editor

Andrea Zhou

Deputy Managing Editor

Griffin Bonnin Jones

Layout Editor

Abby Beckler

Deputy Layout Editor

Katherine Reynolds

Photo Editor

Zayna Cheema

Copy Editors

Justin Bilenker, Katherine Reynolds

Disclaimer

Did we hurt your feelings, or say something that “rings untrue” in your soft ears? Well you’re paying too much attention to what we said, and not enough attention to what we meant. God is God, the river is swift, and we don’t give a fuck.

Any complaints can be emailed to [email protected].

Campus Life, Favorites

Kid Makes Anaphylactic Shock All About Himself

Joseph Silverstein, a member of Johnson’s house, said, “Yeah, so while John went to the bathroom, I swapped his muffin with one that had peanuts, and, gosh, after hearing that…

read more
January 5, 2023
Chicago Shady Dealer, Favorites

OI Renamed “Indiana H. Jones Institute of Academic Grave-Robbing”

In an effort to promote diversity, the Institute will showcase numerous artifacts looted and pillaged from cultures around the world.

read more
November 30, 2022
Campus Life, Favorites

Math Department Discovers New Highest Number

A team of mathematicians at the University of Chicago have discovered a new highest number, a new paper reveals. That number, 87382, is nearly 2 higher than the previous highest…

read more
November 16, 2020
Chicago Shady Dealer, Favorites

UChicago Student Running From College Council

While the beginning of Spring Quarter has marked numerous announcements of ambitious students running for College Council, one student has decided to rival this long-standing tradition by running from College Council. Simon Jorgensen, a second year…

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April 19, 2021
Campus Life, Favorites

University Introduces New Way to Get Downtown: “Walk, Motherfuckers”

This option has been poorly received by undergraduates, as several would-be ‘motherfuckers’ told the Dealer.

read more
December 6, 2022
  • Campus Life

    UChicago Sends Melina Hale to Scope Out Northwestern for Potential Takeover

    Elliot Florack / May 1, 2025

    Hale’s actions have spurred rumors that UChicago is trying to take over a school with fewer Big Ten football wins than it (UChicago 7, Northwestern 0). 

    read more
  • Campus Life

    Phoenix AI to Stop Saying Key Words Like Bankruptcy or Debt

    Edward "Snowman" Snowden / April 30, 2025

    “Letting Phoenix AI tell the few students who didn't know about the University’s debts would’ve killed the last bit of fun they had left. Come on, let ‘em live a little.”

    read more
  • Off-Campus Life

    Five Caricature Artists to Befriend if You Want to Make it in This Town

    Griffin Bonnin Jones / April 29, 2025

    “Wait, Mitt Romney is a caricature artist?” Yes, and he’s very good.

    read more
  • Arts & Culture

    Joe Rogan to Star as Catherine Earnshaw in New Wuthering Heights Adaptation

    Katherine Reynolds / April 27, 2025

    Fans of the book have praised the casting of Rogan, 57, especially following the leakage of set photos showing Rogan frolicking on the moors with Jacob Elordi’s Heathcliff. 

    read more
  • Politics

    Elon Musk Announces New Ninja Branch of DOGE

    Jake Felsen / April 13, 2025

    Musk unveiled the ninjas during a ceremony on Thursday, during which he dramatically ripped back a curtain to showcase an empty stage, which he implied was actually filled completely with ninjas trained in…

    read more
  • Politics

    America Withdraws Support for South Korea in Exchange for Golf Course in Pyongyang

    Vivian Psylos / April 12, 2025

    Following the announcement, Trump immediately lifted the travel ban on North Korea, and signed an executive order renaming it “Best Korea.” 

    read more
  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Recent Study Shows Ominous Whistling in Hallway Growing Steadily Closer

    Jake Felsen / April 11, 2025

    A group of expert scientists using audio equipment, strict observance, and double blind studies have confirmed that the whistling we first reported on only a few minutes ago is indeed getting steadily closer. 

    read more
  • Campus Life

    Point: Your Argument Isn’t Supported in the Data/ Counterpoint: I Know So Many More Latin Phrases than You

    Griffin Bonnin Jones / April 10, 2025

    It seems to me you still have a highly a posteriori frame of mind. But fiat justitia ruat caelum, nevertheless.

    read more
  • Campus Life,  Scientific Excellence

    Quantum Mechanics Final to Be Held in One of Seven Locations

    Alasdair Greenland / April 9, 2025

    "Due to the quantum uncertainty principle, because we know exactly when the exam will be, we are unable to determine exactly where the exam will be until it happens and is observed."

    read more
  • Politics,  Scientific Excellence

    Supreme Court Overturns Measles Vaccine v. Measles

    Alasdair Greenland / April 8, 2025

    "Writing for the Court’s conservative majority in Super Measles v. Measles Vaccine, Chief Justice John Roberts said 'it is the opinion of this court that despite persuasive arguments by the Measles Vaccine, we…

    read more
 Older Posts
Newer Posts 

Read It and Weep

  • Automated Bobbin-Changing Equipment Threatens Job Security of 9-Year-Olds
  • Wilhelm Crashenblimpen Appointed Captain Of The Hindenburg
  • Alexander Hamilton Reviews Hamilton: “Wait, they did what?”
  • After Success Of First Novel, George Orwell Announces Publication Of “1984 2: This Time It’s Personal”
  • Stephen Cole Kleene Invents Formal Languages, Causing War
  • UChicago Admin in Panic Mode After Mysterious Disappearance of the Vitality Crystals
  • White House Rushes to Explain Correlation Not Causation Following JD Vance Pope Visit
  • Interview: Debate Over Politics Blossoms Into Lifelong Friendship
  • Citizen App Provides Notice About Hyde Park Crimes: Dog Poop on Sidewalk, Premarital Handholding
  • Harper Releases New Specialty Drinks

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