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People Magazine Reports No Celebrities Have Drama This Week
"Celebrities have altogether stopped cheating on each other, getting caught in embarrassing moments with paparazzi, or even making mildly controversial clothing choices on the red carpet."
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“A Confusing Day for the Truth” – Shady Dealer Bid to Purchase The Thinker Put on Hold
Previously, the Dealer, the only source of legitimate news in this hemisphere, had been declared the winner of an Eka House-sponsored auction to acquire the Thinker, its erstwhile competitor, beating out shadowy shell…
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UChicago Student Devastated By “A” Grade
“The once-sacrosanct standards of academic rigor at this university have catastrophically declined. I made several trivial blunders while formulating my final essay, and yet I still received an exemplary grade in Power.”
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NYT Releases Crumbl: “The Game Where You Watch Your Life Crumble Away”
"We wanted to provide our loyal subscribers a one-of-a-kind experience: the chance to pinpoint the exact second where their life turned to shit."
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Two-Factor Authentication Taking Too Long? Here Are Some Alternatives
Is all this security really necessary? For your convenience and my sanity, we propose some reasonable alternatives to DUO two-factor authentication.
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Five Things to Spend Your Money on Besides Blu-ray Copies of Ghost Rider 2
Unfortunately, all those boxes of Blu-ray can fill up your attic shockingly fast.
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Supreme Court Rules Fourth Amendment Intended Ironically
“A careful study of the debates surrounding the drafting of the Fourth Amendment reveals that the Framers of the Constitution wrote that particular provision in a bitingly sardonic mood,” Justice Clarence Thomas wrote.
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Student Tour Guide Fired for Just Making Shit Up About Gargoyles
In an exclusive interview, Myers told The Dealer, “I got tired of walking backwards, wildly gesticulating, explaining that I personally picked this school because my dad went here, and telling prospective students that…
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UChicago Med Vows to Speed Up Cancer Growth Unless $100 Million Is Donated to Free Speech
When pressed for comment, the Free Speech program's director offered a cryptic defense. "Cancer grows, just like ideas. It’s a metaphor. Or maybe it’s not. You decide—that's free speech in action.”
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UChicago Establishes Center for the Investigation of the Pursuit of Knowledge, Happiness and Success
Using empirical methods and qualitative analysis inspired by the teachings of Aristotle, a team of researchers will determine the best, most virtuous way to live.
