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How to Maximize Your O-Week Merch Haul
By Claire Holland Sept. 24, 2018 Hello, first years! We’re going to start the year with an important lesson: Contrary to what others may tell you, the goal of O-Week is not…
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America’s Most European Supermarket, Indeed: Treasure Island Files for Bankruptcy
By Chicago Shady Dealer News Desk Sept. 29, 2018 Treasure Island, a Hyde Park grocery store that touts itself as “America’s Most European Supermarket” took its emulation of Europe a step further…
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Richard Thaler Depressed After No Longer Being the Center of Attention
By JJ Zheng Oct. 8, 2018 Credit: Getty Images Dr. Richard Thaler, recipient of the 2017 Nobel Prize in Economics, is reportedly feeling depressed after news of the 2018 recipients broke this morning.…
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Ariana Grande Add/Drops Pete Davidson
By Diego Matamoros Oct. 15, 2018 After weeks of sleepless nights, emotional highs and lows, and one pet pig, the predictions of her academic advisor finally came to fruition: pop star Ariana…
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Second Year Attempts to Leave Class for Bathroom, Several Hundred Grad Students Join
By Olivia Reeves Oct. 18, 2018 At 11:03 this morning, second year Callie Plimmer found more support than she anticipated behind her choice to leave Gender Civ to use the bathroom, when…
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“Wait, That’s Where UChicago Is?” Exclaims Gleacher Center Student
By Thomas Noriega Oct. 22, 2018 Economics M.A. Mathis Birman collapsed this week upon hearing that UChicago is actually on the South Side of Chicago, not nestled in the gleaming utopia of the…
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Bill Clinton Spotted Fighting with FIJI Bouncer
By Diego Pedulla-Smith and Wesley Adams Oct. 22, 2018 Students enjoying a lively Saturday night may have gotten a little more excitement than they had anticipated after President Bill Clinton got into…
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This Was Never Our Intention: An Official Statement from Quizlet
By Breck Radulovic Oct. 22, 2018 To the University of Chicago community, We at Quizlet would like to express our deepest apologies for the vile content hosted on our site in recent…
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Blue Chips Disbands to Better Maintain Its Exclusivity
By Rahul Gupta Oct. 26, 2018 In the logical conclusion of a prolonged struggle over the core values of the University of Chicago, the Blue Chips announced their dissolution late last week. The heads…
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Ghosts of Friedman, Stigler Moan in 4th Circle of Hell as Ominous Trumpet Announces Entry of New Damned Soul
By Tsing Sum Lo Oct. 26, 2018 Infernal sources from the 4th Circle of Hell report that the spirits of George J. Stigler and Milton Friedman let out soul-splitting moans from their…
