Man Sues the Sun for $385 Million in Cancer Settlement

By Jacob Johnson

Sept. 24, 2018

In an unprecedented legal action, Bay Area resident Thomas Harshburger filed a complaint today against none other than the Sun, the well-known star orbited by planet Earth. In a formal statement submitted to the courts, Harshburger cited numerous grievances, including sunburns, freckling, and darkening of the skin as evidence that the Sun’s activities ultimately caused his basal cell carcinoma to develop.

The Sun, a 4.6 billion year old ball of hydrogen and helium weighing nearly 2*10^30 kilograms, has conducted its nuclear fusion operations largely unregulated for the majority of its lifetime. While credited with sustaining much of life on its third planet, Earth, the Sun has also fallen under harsh criticism in the past.

“That guy’s unstable, I tell ya,” said Harshburger, shaking his fist at the bright circle in the sky, which presumably would not see the gesture for another eight minutes. “Sure, it makes the grass grow and the birds fly, but what about those hurricanes, huh? Or the solar flares? How do ya think those got here? The moon? Not likely.”

Astrophysicists who spoke to the Dealer have voiced their tentative support for Harshburger, calling his grievances “conceptually pretty dumb, but technically accurate.”

In the face of recent victories over Monsanto, found guilty of failing to inform customers of carcinogens in RoundUp, Harshburger believes his case has plenty of legal precedent. As demands for the Sun to adopt safer, healthier regulations on its energy production grow louder, legal teams are moving to put the matter to rest in a court of law.

“My client has been a proud, faithful member of the community since before there were communities, and has always done its absolute best to provide its planets with a clean, renewable source of energy,” said solar representative Apollo Parker in an official press statement. “It will defend itself to the utmost against these ridiculous allegations.”

The Sun could not be reached for comment, but did tweet about the allegations this morning, writing “FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.”

“Mr. Harshburger has suffered along with millions of others as a consequence of the Sun’s total disregard for anything other than converting hydrogen into helium,” said prosecuting attorney Diana Galilei in her own press statement. “To blatantly deny these complaints against the testimonies of so many is complete and utter lunacy.”

This celestial scandal also follows a court hearing from earlier this month in which the planet Mercury was forced to defend itself after thousands of citizens blamed their strange behavior on its being in retrograde.