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LEAKED: Valerie Jarrett’s Class Day Speech
By None May 25, 2018 I can almost see itThat dream I’m dreaming butThere’s a voice inside my head sayingYou’ll never reach it,Every step I’m taking,Every move I make feelsLost with no…
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Student Government: U-PASS to Be Replaced by U-BER
By Ella Hester May 25, 2018 Starting in the 2018-2019 school year, students in the College will have the option of choosing an alternative to the U-PASS: the U-BER. This new program…
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Discreet Mathematics Course To Be Held at 3 A.M. in Undisclosed Parking Garage
By Reed Thurston May 25, 2018 According to anonymous sources within the University’s Math department, a new listing has been added to the graduate-level course catalogue for the autumn quarter of 2018. It…
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Off-Campus Apartment Fails Health Inspection
By Clarence Burrough May 25, 2018 The residents of 5743 South Cornell awoke to a health inspector knocking on their door this past Tuesday. Working quickly, the inspector documented eighteen violations, three of…
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Uh Oh! That Kid Just Made a Good Point for Once
By Noah Goodman May 25, 2018 THURSDAY 2:00 pm — It appeared to be a typical day in Professor Jones’s section of Self, Culture, and Society. Half the class hadn’t done their reading,…
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A Farewell Letter
By The Editors May 25, 2018 Dearest Reader(s), Over the past year, we have had the humbling, back-breaking honor of serving as Editors-in-Chief for the Chicago Shady Dealer, and we want…
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Alumni Association Hastily Shuts Down DMT Garden Following Mass Vomiting, Hysterical Preaching
By Nik Varley May 25, 2018 University administrators reportedly shut down the Alumni Weekend DMT Garden following reports of mass vomiting and hysterical preaching. The garden, initially intended as a relaxed environment in…
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An Ode to Our Only Reader
By Ella Hester May 25, 2018 Hey Ed Zamb You’re the manb You have a son named Teddy And a heart that’s ready To ‘like’ our pieces Your support never ceases Never leave…
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Two Second Years in Trench Coat Caught Sneaking into Alumni Beer Garden
By Breck Radulovic May 25, 2018 The Alumni Weekend Beer Garden is a tantalizing, esoteric myth among the University of Chicago’s undergraduate student body. The garden baffles college students, who do not yet…
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Op-Ed: Bill Gates, Support Journalism On-Campus by Setting Up a Trust Fund For Us
By Ella Hester May 25, 2018 Dear Bill Gates, Thank you so much for buying property near our storied university. We have no clues as to your motivations, so we’re hoping you just…
