Chicago Shady Dealer

University Announces New Dorm to Be Located in the Cayman Islands

By Deblina Mukherjee
Feb. 20, 2018

Architectural Mockup of the New Dorm

An email from Dean John “Jay” Boyer confirmed what Dealer investigators have long suspected: the University’s newest residence hall will be located safely off-shore in the Cayman Islands. Architectural plans obtained by the Dealer also show that it will house approximately 1,200 undergraduate students and resident staff in 11 three-floor Houses, along with a new dining commons and community amenities for each House, such as lounges, study rooms, outdoor spaces, and one highly secure titanium vault guarded by a giant named Brewster. 

Boyer elaborated on the plans, writing: “The College’s newest dormitory and dining hall will indeed be located in the Cayman islands, and it will be the first of several offshore dorms that will be built to house students from former satellite dorms.”

“This new development will not only contribute to the expanding and inescapable domain of housing culture, but also will provide some much needed investment and development to the economically-blighted Cayman Islands,” Boyer wrote. “The dorm will also offer more community resources in a high quality enviornment designed to foster intellectual exploration, financial development, and above all, security and privacy.”

A leaked draft of the email obtained by the Dealer clarified that “Brewster isn’t gonna let anyone in who isn’t supposed to be there; our investments and students will be completely safe.”

Construction is slated to begin in the summer of 2018 and be completed in advance of the 2020-2021 academic year, following the College’s Initial Public Offering. However the construction team already has a head start—since the titanium vault has already been built.