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Student Naming Rights Sold
By Thomas Noriega April 20, 2017 Student Naming Rights SoldBy Arley D. Cathey In an effort to defray mounting debts, the University announced that, effective immediately, the naming rights of all current students…
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New Divinity School Dean Strings Up Sinners in the Village Square
By Nik Varley April 20, 2017 New Divinity School Dean Strings Up Sinners in the Village Square On March 28th, The University of Chicago announced that Laurie Zoloth, a preeminent religious scholar, has…
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Area Subletter Fails Turing Test
By Breck Radulovic April 20, 2017 Area Subletter Fails Turing Test Following her acceptance into a study abroad program in Vienna, University of Chicago second -year Allie Sullivan arranged to sublet her…
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North Korea Can’t Launch Missiles, But You Can’t Even Pull a B-Minus In SOSC
By Nik Varley April 20, 2017 North Korea Can’t Launch Missiles, But You Can’t Even Pull a B-Minus In SOSC Following North Korea’s disastrous missile launch last week, experts have agreed that the…
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Student Asks Mugger If He Takes Venmo
By Nik Varley April 20, 2017 Student Asks Mugger If He Takes Venmo 55th and Maryland – At approximately 8:47 PM, eyewitnesses told the Dealer that student Todd Greenblatt was mugged on his…
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Four Times the Simpsons Predicted My Uncle Frank’s Next Bout with Bloody Stools
By David North April 21, 2017 4 Times the Simpsons Predicted My Uncle Frank’s next Bout with Bloody StoolsIf there are two things I know about my Uncle Frank, it’s that he loves…
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Trump Surprises Pence, Awards him Presidential Chastity-Belt of Freedom
By Dan Lastres April 21, 2017 Trump Surprises Pence, awards him Presidential Chastity-Belt of Freedom The White House – On Tuesday evening, President Trump surprised Vice President Mike Pence by awarding him the…
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Grounds of Being Proved Logically Inconsistent
By Thomas Noriega April 21, 2017 Grounds of Being Proved Logically InconsistentBy Thomas Noriega Earlier today, students were shocked and saddened to learn thatTragic news today as Grounds of Being, the popular cash-only…
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Eight Famous Paintings I Accidentally Dropped Down The Stairs
By Ryan Fleishman April 22, 2017 8 Famous Paintings I Accidentally Dropped Down The Stairso Mona Lisa §Mona Lisa The Mona Lisa is widely considered the finest painting in all creation, so I…
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“Golly Gee Whiz, Gosh Darn It,” Says Dean Ellison as He Struggles to Stuff the Final Prospie in the Dumpster
By Jacob Johnson April 24, 2017 Jacob Johnson “Golly Gee Whiz, Gosh Darn It”, Says Dean Ellison As He Struggles to Stuff The Final Prospie in the Dumpster “Aw, shucks,.” said Dean Ellison,…
