By Hakim Lahlou Oct. 9, 2016 In a shocking turn of events, a prospective Student Council member had to be forcibly removed from the UChicago campus, after accidentally dropping out of school. The…

By Philip O’Sullivan Oct. 10, 2016 A lLocal area Chicago nerd began his annual preparations for pretending to keep up with baseball for the upcoming World Series this year. The nerd, who earlier…

By Shira Eisenberg Oct. 10, 2016 Donald Trump Quote or Nickelback LyricSupporters of both problematic blonds are afraid to go public. by Shira Eisenberg 1. Let’s start off with an easy one: “When…

By Jacob Johnson Oct. 10, 2016 Gary Johnson (Sleepy Gary) Originally born in the far-away land of Aleppo, Sleepy Gary was cursed as a child by an evil witch from childhood to fall…

By Nico Aldape Oct. 10, 2016 After reaching the scientific conclusion that “this doesn’t look anything like the one on the box,” a University of Chicago Department of Geophysical Sciences study has found…

By Ashton Hashemipour Oct. 11, 2016 Quietly scurrying out of the communal bathroom, first-year Carl Smith was seen making his way towards his double roomm, his pockets filled to the brim with condoms.…

By Adam Lowinger Oct. 11, 2016 Does the following apply to you? You’ve just had a tragic breakup with the person you thought would be the one, and now you’re stuck with your…

By Chase Harrison Oct. 11, 2016 Well, they reimagined again. After causing a total campus meltdown last year, Packed: Dumplings Reimagined is back. The fast casual, organic, locavore, yuppie, globalist fusion restaurant caused…

By Daniel Ruttenberg Oct. 12, 2016 Well, dating just got a whole lot easier! :). Dating apps like Tinder and Coffee Meets Bagel have made it a lot easier to find your special…