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Masthead

Editors in Chief

Griffin Bonnin Jones, Andrea Zhou

Managing Editor

Katherine Reynolds

Deputy Managing Editor

Vivian Psylos

Layout Editor

Justin Bilenker

Photo Editor

Zayna Cheema

Copy Editors

Nik Ochoa, Chase Teichholz

Disclaimer

Did we hurt your feelings, or say something that “rings untrue” in your soft ears? Well you’re paying too much attention to what we said, and not enough attention to what we meant. God is God, the river is swift, and we don’t give a fuck.

Any complaints can be emailed to [email protected].

Chicago Shady Dealer, Favorites

UChicago Student Running From College Council

While the beginning of Spring Quarter has marked numerous announcements of ambitious students running for College Council, one student has decided to rival this long-standing tradition by running from College Council. Simon Jorgensen, a second year…

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April 19, 2021
Campus Life, Favorites

University Introduces New Way to Get Downtown: “Walk, Motherfuckers”

This option has been poorly received by undergraduates, as several would-be ‘motherfuckers’ told the Dealer.

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December 6, 2022
Chicago Shady Dealer, Favorites

Visiting Parents Worried about the Cost of Three Weddings after Seeing Son Talk to Three Different Girls in His House

While parents Michael and Jessica Trout carefully budgeted for their son Timothy’s college expenses along with a single wedding, they were abruptly reminded that some costs simply cannot be anticipated…

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October 24, 2021
Campus Life, Favorites

Kid Makes Anaphylactic Shock All About Himself

Joseph Silverstein, a member of Johnson’s house, said, “Yeah, so while John went to the bathroom, I swapped his muffin with one that had peanuts, and, gosh, after hearing that…

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January 5, 2023
Campus Life, Favorites

Math Department Discovers New Highest Number

A team of mathematicians at the University of Chicago have discovered a new highest number, a new paper reveals. That number, 87382, is nearly 2 higher than the previous highest…

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November 16, 2020
  • Lifestyle

    Five Ass Tattoos You Won’t Regret

    Breck Radulovic / March 16, 2013

    By Breck Radulovic April 23, 2016 1. An Outline of a Hheart- Turn your own ass into a dry-erase board of love!. Ask your lover to write in their initials with sharpie, and…

    read more
  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Canadians Glad Justin Trudeau Distracts from their Small Population and Cold Climate

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Nico Aldape April 23, 2016 Though he has been in office for over five months now, Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau continues to make waves through his embrace of social change and…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Inspiring: This Major League Baseball Player Uses Drugs That Make Him Play Worse

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Daniel Ruttenberg April 23, 2016 When I was a kid, I used to love baseball. Yessir, my ideal Friday was not ‘nt playing board games or running outside, it wasbut watching a…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    New Off-Ocean Program Brings Whales to UChicago

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Jacob Johnson April 23, 2016 DueAnnouncing to a new shared initiative between the SHAMU (Society for Humans Meeting Animal Undergraduates) University of Chicago and the Marine Biological Lab in Woods Hole Massachusetts,Saint…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Sexual Experimentation Fails Peer Review

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Morgan Pantuck and Reed Thurston April 23, 2016 A controversial study submitted to the New England Journal of Medicine was officially rejected for publication this past weekend following peer review. “Butt Stuff:…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    The Wiggles Pull Music from Spotify in Show of Solidarity with Taylor Swift

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Jacob Levin April 23, 2016 In a public announcement Monday, The Wiggles announced that they have decided to remove all of their music from Spotify to show solidarity with Taylor Swift and…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Student Bouncing Leg Up and Down Shows No Sign of Stopping

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Nik Varley April 23, 2016 SourcesStudents in Professor Pierce Jackson’s SOSC 113 class informed confirmed that fellow studenttThe Dealer that student Graham Larson began bouncing his right leg up and down at…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    10 Other Places The African Civ Study Abroad Program Could Be Based

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Chase Harrison April 25, 2016 On April 26, the Chicago Maroon reported that beginning in Winter 2018, the University will offer an African Civilizations program in Dakar, Senegal. At the April 15th…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    10 Species That Are Almost Horses

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Ryan Fleishman April 26, 2016 1. Zebras. With their famous black and white stripes, Zebras are essentially angsty, different colored horses. 2. Alpacas. These Peruvian beasts of burden are South America’s horse.…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Tragedy! Area Student Finishes Her Drink Before the Rest of Her Meal

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Nik Varley April 26, 2016 In an event that can only be described as a tragedy, area student Sarah McDowell finished her drink while she was only halfway through her meal. The…

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 Older Posts
Newer Posts 

Read It and Weep

  • Parents Befriend Student’s Least Favorite Professor During Model Class
  • Trump to fire all Via drivers amid government shutdown
  • CTA Transit Bill Stalls Over Whether Chartreuse or Magenta Is Better Name for Line
  • Point: I Want a Situationship / Counterpoint: I Think I’m in Love with Her
  • I only know Jeffrey, WHO THE FUCK IS MARK EPSTEIN?
  • 6 moral systems that say it’s okay for me to work for Raytheon
  • Shady Dealer Discovers The Lair
  • Point: Someday, you’ll be forgotten by history / Counterpoint: I sold some really bad copper
  • Andrew Cuomo announces 2028 presidential campaign
  • Heists are back baby! Let’s steal the haunted amulet in the basement of Mansueto

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