-
Jeb Bush Suspends Campaign to Become Inflatable Man outside Car Dealership
By Breck Radulovic Feb. 18, 2016 Former Florida Governor John Ellis “Jeb” Bush has announced he plans to droppped out of the race for the presidency after weak performances in early primaries.…
-
9 Things You Should NEVER Say to a Pre-Med
By Nik Varley Feb. 18, 2016 9. If your GPA drops below 3.5, will you be incinerated by a bolt of lightning? – This one’s actually a common misconception. The bolt of lightning…
-
Area Man Loses Control of Sandwich
By Nik Varley Feb. 18, 2016 In a display that eyewitnesses called “devastatingdevasting” and “jaw– dropping”, area student James Wilbur lost control of his sandwich earlier this afternoon. The sandwich, which contained a…
-
Apathetic Area Man Actually Just Pathetic
By Nico Aldape Feb. 18, 2016 After a careful, objective investigation, sources close to the Shady Dealer are reporting that apathetic area man Stanley Novovoselic is actually just pathetic. “I mean, I thought…
-
This Twelve-Year-Old Played Blindfolded Simultaneous Chess Against Six Grandmasters And Got Slaughtered by All of Them
By Daniel Ruttenberg Feb. 18, 2016 Kyle Jacoby is only in the fifth grade, but already he thinks he’s some sort of chess prodigy. To test his mettle, he challenged six grand–masters to…
-
An Open Letter to My House Wellczar
By Abigail Fitsworth Feb. 18, 2016 Dear Sir or Madam: Upon moving into residential housing as a first year, I was delighted to learn about the existence of “Wellczars,” such as yourself, whose…
-
Frat Charges Guys $5 at Door to Correct for Income Inequality
By Chase Harrison Feb. 18, 2016 Like most fraternities on campus, PsiU’s Friday night party “90’s” themed party forced guys to pay $5 at the door, while girls got in for free. Howeverver,…
-
Bernie Sanders Now 90% Meme
By Adam Lowinger Feb. 18, 2016 In light of Senator Bernie Sanders’ recent success among the younger voters demographics, High-upsenior members of the Sanders cCampaign staff have begun to notices changes in thethe…
-
Mitt Romney Still Cries Self to Sleep at Night
By Breck Radulovic Feb. 18, 2016 The 2012 election haunts many of us, but no one more so than former Massachusetts governor Willard Mitt Romney. Tormented by his loss to President Barack…
-
How to Use a Study Room You Haven’t Reserved
By Morgan Pantuck Feb. 18, 2016 Step 1: Be Confident. Using a group room for individual study is an exercise in confidence. Maybe you belong there, maybe you don’t. Fake it till you…
